A Single To The Salt Mines Please

HEARTSm Hearts, Glorious Hearts - well hardly on Saturday, when they were well and truly gone-over by Rangers, amidst suggestions that First Secretary Vlad had been faxing directives to JJ's office to keep certain players out of the game.

I never even started trying to work out Vlad's ways and means of running his club, if I want mental anguish I'll just argue with my daughters, but, clearly, he's different.

Of course Vlad comes from the continental school of club management, in which we have a near-all-powerful president, who makes all the big decisions, and a trainer or coach, whose job is to put the players the president buys on the field and winning. This flies in the face of British practice, where the manager is God, he buys the players, trains them, picks the team and dictates the tactics, with the chairman at the other end of a fairly loose long rein and brought in to share in the glory when they win things, or to do the dirty deed when the manager is considered a failure.

This clash of personalities and roles has largely been won in England, while up here, it is still to a certain extent being fought by our more-conservative/reactionary managers. I think maybe JJ did the right thing in biting his tongue and letting Vlad have his way.

I mean, if an old-school scallywag like Harry Redknapp can, as he admitted in Sunday night's Alan Sugar vanity project shown on BBC2, accept the continental way of doing things - surely it's not too-late for JJ.

WHAT a relief Craig Whyte buying Rangers has been for one section of the Scottish media - the Lap Top Loyal, those hard-pressed hacks whose job it is to get the Old Firm hordes to buy their paper.

For a couple of years now - four whole transfer windows, they've been operating with one hand tied behind their backs, since they have been unable to speculate on which player was about to jet in and sign for Rangers.

Next week, when Craig Whyte hands SuperAlly the keys to the big office at the top of the marble staircase and the new, unsullied cheque book, it will again be open silly season on the transfer speculation stories.

Sharpen your chain saws Sven, Janni and the other Scandinavian tree-fellers, you're about to get a wee bit busier; all that extra newsprint has to come from somewhere.

I KNEW this fashion for white football boots would only lead to trouble - and it has. I notice that one-off eccentric Sandy Strang: teacher, writer, after-dinner-speaker, cricketer and all-round good egg rather upset the natives at East Kilbride at the weekend, by wearing white "blades" when playing cricket.

The Torrance House groundsman isn't too pleased with Mr Strang, comments were made to the umpite and Scotland's cricketing authorities may be about to get involved, albeit reluctantly as they've been hit for six by Sandy before.

But, what does one expect, allowing Weegies, even Hutchie-educated Weegies, even Hutchie-educated Weegies with an Oxford "blue" in soccer, to play the English gentleman's summer game of choice?

Of course, Sandy is saying it was an idea he picked up from an Australian - bloody colonials what.

It's Bull Week

I KNOW, you've read the heading and are asking: What the fuck is Bull Week? Well, Bull Week is an expression I first heard while doing missionary work in England. It is apparently the week before the week at the end of which, English factories shut for the annual two-week summer holidays. Traditionally, during Bull Week, the workers, for the only time in the year, worked flat-out, to ensure they had a healthy wage packet, bolstered by bonuses, to take into their holidays.

Ergo, with the big prizes to be settled, this is the week when the Old Firm players have to find overdrive to clinch the title, and in Celtic's case a potential League and Cup double; Hearts and Dundee United have to sort out third and fourth in their clashes with the Big Two and, at the foot of the SPL table, it's survive or bust for St Mirren and Hamilton.

'Twould be nice if the whole circus was settled with a flairfest of high-tempo attacking football from everyone, but hey, this is Scotland. The betting is, it will be grim oop North.

So, just what do I see happening this week? I have a feeling Rangers will cling-on to their one point advantage and clinch title 54, while Hamilton will carry through their great Houdini act at the expense of St Mirren.

My leaning towards a Rangers title was strengthened over the weekend when I bumped into a former Scottish player and manager, of the Celtic persuasion, who fears the worst for the Hoops.

"It's Lennon," he explained. "His teams don't win the crunch games - Ross County last season, the League Cup Final, Inverness. When they HAVE to win the pressure gets to him and through him to his players: Rangers will grim it out".

IT IS certainly not grim in one part of the North of England, with a shaft of heavenly light piercing the perma-gloom around Trafford Park. Title number 19 is heading for the Theatre of Dreams and once again the Govan Godzilla has seen-off the efforts of the rest to drag him down.

SAF might not be the most gallus and gregarious guy to sally forth from the People's Republic of Govan to change the world, but he's a winner. This is certainly not the most-entertaining Manchester United team ever to be sent out, but they are winners. How does he do it - and keep doing it?

If I was a Barcelona member (I think we're nearly all fans), I'd be worried about the up-coming Wembley trip. If the Special One could de-rail them last year, what might the Extra-Special Scottish One do this year?

JUST a thought on the Scottish election and the aftermath. If the London parties do decide to organise a snap referendum on independence, I think you'd find so-many Scots would be pissed-off with them, we'd vote Yes and we would have FREEDOM!!!

This might mean, if it happened quickly enough, we could have a Scottish football team at the London Olympics - Scotland v Britain (ok England) for the gold medal, at Wembley: bring it on.

I DON'T watch a lot of TV; in fact, I tend to pick up programmes later on the BBC iplayer and it's equivalent on the other channels. Last week, browsing the iplayer, I happened across Special 1 TV - a short, Spitting Image-type programme based round the notion of Jose the Special One having his own TV station, with Wayne Rooney as his reporter in the field, and Sven Goran Eriksson as a radio dj - it's hilarious, well-worth watching.

Paranoia Plus

JUST because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you - and they, whoever "they" are, certainly appear to be out to get Celtic this week. It hasn't been the best seven days for ra Sellick family, of London Road, Glasgow.

It began brightly enough with a fairly mundane win over Dundee United, since when it has all gone downhill faster than a bobsleigh crewed by Pavarotti, Cyril Smith MP, Vanessa Phelps and Fern Britton before she had her gastric band fitted.

There was that midweek Highland hiccup, then all these weeks of: "lets all laugh at Rangers" over the takeover ended; finally, Hearts "lay down" to Rangers (official Sellick View of this afternoon's events), to leave Poundstretcher FC (great line that from a Celtic fan on Scotsman.com) four points clear at the top of the table.

But, these series of events were surely not the low point of the week for the great-grandsons and daughters of Erin - that surely came on Friday morning, on BBC Scotland's Scottish Election Round-up programme - when Paul McBride QC outed himself as a true-blue, Maggie Thatcher-adoring, pro-Unionist CONSERVATIVE, just like his fellow member of the Faculty of Advocates, Donald Findlay QC.

SO SIR David Murray has taken himself off into the sunset: Ibrox no more and all that. Just how will history treat the man who was, for 36-years, Mr Rangers?

When it comes to SDM, ah kent his faither, who was a real gentleman, but, an inveterate gambler, whose downfall was brought about by his gambling addiction. David, thankfully for him, was less of a gambler than his father - but he still took some outrageous gambles in business and in his sporting life.

I hope history looks fondly upon him, for he certainly put a lot into Scottish sporting life over the past 30 years. I first met him when he was the man behind the Murray Internaitonal Metals basketball team.

With Murray's millions behind them MIM took Scottish basketball to a new level. He spent a lot of money chasing European glory, he brought some outrageously-talented American talent to Scotland, most-notably Alton Byrd: "the best basketball player in the world under six feet tall".

MIM were the top British side, then, after David Holmes took charge of Rangers and shipped Worthing Bears, lock, stock and barrel to Scotland, MIM were for a season, second-best, before Murray bought Rangers and with no mountains left to climb in basketball, got out to concentrate on football.

There, he spent millions trying to replicate his basketball success in football. But while the team, under Graeme Souness then Walter Smith, dominated Scotland, as with basketball, real, lasting European success was beyond him. So, as with basketball, so too with football - he stopped spending.

He tried to take on the Scottish media, starting his own Sunday paper, using the same formula as he had used in basketball and football - hire the top talent and let it run. Sadly for Murray, this didn't work and he cut his losses.

Now, after spreading his wings from his original core business of steel-stockholding into property, media, hotels, and other service industries, came the crunch, the Murray magic lost its lustre and he is now re-structuring his still-considerable business interests in very difficult times.

Perhaps the magic has lost its potency, perhaps the days of the business conglomerate such as Murray International Holdings are gone, only time will tell on this. But, what is certain, the days of David Murray in football are gone - unless he finally buys Ayr United as a retirement project.

He maybe wasn't so-much of a gambler as his late father, but he was a dreamer, who made dreams come true. In basketball, he promoted Scottish talent - signing every international class Scottish player and making MIM virtually a Scottish international squad masquerading as a club side, but he also hired top overseas talent and in the process brightened-up the domestic game.

Certainly he made mistakes at Ibrox. I don't think he realised just what a giant organisation he was taking-on and he never really was at-ease with the media demands of being Mr Rangers. He enjoyed the limelight, turning him from David Who? to a national personality, but I don't think he was ever happy with the demands of the football media.

Overall, he was good for Rangers and for Scottish sport - not just Scottish football. I wish him a happy future and I for one will miss him.

ENGLISH arrogance, don't you just love it? No, neither do I.

There has been a lovely example of EA this week, surrounding the big debate in the "Best league in the world", the Premiership down south. This debate is: who will succeed Edwin Van Der Saar in the Manchester United goal next season?

He may be heading for Bayern Munich, but the English media refuses to accept this, clinging to its near-unanimous belief that Shalke's Manuel Nueur will be unable to resist the chance to play at the Theatre of Dreams.

Whoever succeeds to United's number one shirt next season - I don't see it being Nueur and while I know SAF has an apparent blind spot when it comes to the merits of Scottish goalkeepers - come on Fergie, one mistake didn't make Jim Leighton a bad keeper - if I was him, I'd be going for Allan McGregor.

You can be technically the most-gifted player in your position in the world, but, if you are playing for a small-to-middling club, even in a huge league, it is no real preparation for life in the goldfish bowl with a really huge club.

McShagger has had his spells on the front page, but, by and large he has coped well with life as Rangers' goalkeeper. He has had a major role in keeping Rangers involved in the SPL title race this season - with vital saves at crucial times, not least that penalty save from Samaras. Publicity, good or bad, has seemingly no effect on him; he has proved himself internationally; he has Champions League experience and, perhaps most-significally - he will not cost the earth to prise away from Rangers. For me, he ticks all the boxes for Man U.

THIS WEEK I've been doing some historical work on an on-going book project and in the course of this I was looking at the way the much-criticised SFA selection committee worked in the post-war years.

From 1945 to 1955 there was a Scotland team and below that the Scottish League side. It was into the League XI that promising young players were fed, more often than not to find out if they could possibly take the step-up to international level.

After the embarrassment of Scotland's no-show in Brazil for the 1950 World Cup, the SFA came up with the concept of a B team, placed somewhere between the League XI and the full team, then, after the horrendous thumping by Uruguay in the 1954 World Cup, in came the Under-23 team, which in the mid-seventies, became the Under-21 team.

This development system, perhaps by accident, worked. Today, there is no international development programme within Scottish football. Today's Under-21 squad members are, more often than not, barely-established in their club's first team, while the original Scotland Under-23 side: which gave us Alex Parker, Eric Caldow, Dave Mackay and Graham Leggat was an XI of young but established first team players.

In the fifties, the B team could contain uncapped and capped players - but these capped guys had to have less than four caps. The Scotland B team has largely been wiped from the memory banks, but of the first Scotland B team, which played France in Toulouse in November, 1952, all but goalkeeper Tommy Ledgerwood of Partick Thistle and outside right Joe Buchanan of Clyde went on to win full caps.

Tommy Docherty, Blackpool's Hugh Kelly and Bolton's Willie Moir had one cap each, Alex Parker, future World Cup captain Willie Cunningham, Thistle's Jimmy Davidson, East Fife's Ian Gardiner, St Mirren's Tommy Gemmell and Hibs' Willie Ormond, the future Scotland boss, all went on to be capped.

Ronnie Simpson, South African John Hewie, Portsmouth's Jackie Henderson, Leicester's Jock Anderson, Celtic's Mike Haughney, Willie Fernie and Neil Mochan, Burnley's Jock Aird, Hearts's John Cumming and West Ham's John Dick emerged from the 1954 B team - even if it took Simpson 13 years to make the jump to the big team, while Bill Brown's sterling Scotland career received a boost when he won his B cap in 1956.

A year later, B internationals went into abeyance until the late eighties. Since then, apart from the short-lived experiment under Berti Vogts, which saw the B team re-named the "Futures" squad, and a couple of half-hearted games since, the B team has been neglected.

Now, however, with our international ranking with FIFA determined by how we perform in every international, I feel the time is right to restore B internationals, that way Craig Levein could experiment with his formations, team units such as central defence, midfield and so on without jeopardising our international co-efficient by perhaps losing otherwise meaningless friendlies.

Who's Got The Squeakier Bum?

I WENT for this colour of font as it's the one on my palette which is approximtely half-way between green and orange. I do not wish to be accused of partisanship at this most-serious of times, as the SPL title race reaches boiling point.

I still feel the SPL are probably going to need that helicopter and there will be a few further twists and turns between now and the end of the season. Nobody should have been surprised at last night's events in Inverness. As I have said before, Celtic have the deeper squad, but Rangers have that solid cadre of playrs who have been over this course before - they have the greater experience of winning a tight title race.

You will still, however, not get me down off my fence. This race could tip either way. Nobody should, by the way, be in any dobt about how much it means to Neil Lennon; how much he cares and how deeply that desire for victory is, but I just wish someone would give this guy lessons in grace under pressure. It's a hard one to pull off, but he really has to learn how to take defeat with dignity.

THE football business is totally different from every other business and even though businessmen have always been involved in the financial side of the game for as long as football has been professional - the way things are done in business is not the same way as things are done in football.

Take this Rangers' take-over. In football terms, it has dragged-on for almost a whole season, but in business terms, things have not been going-on all that long. The guys who write on the business pages work to a totally different timeline from the guys on the sports pages. The 24-hours between one first edition and the next is a life time on the sports desk, it's a twinkling of an eye across the aisle on the business desk.

The take-over will be done, in time, probably with Craig Whyte winning - but, just ask yourself this: if you had worked for years to build-up a multi-million pound business and had to commit more than 50 million of those hard-earned pounds to buying one entity - would you hurry it up just to suir a bunch of over-paid hacks and several thousand supporters, many of whom are definitely from "the underclass"? No, me neither. I'd want all the Is dotted and the Ts crossed and I'd be making absolutely sure there were no nasty surprises which might cost me more, lurking in the small print.

Unlike Fergus McCann when he bought Celtic, Craig Whyte will not, I assume, have to toddle along to the bank and deposit a bank draft for upwards of £1 million seconds before the plug is pulled. In banking terms, Rangers are a viable entity - a household brand, with a loyal following, attracting customers and with more than sufficient assets to cover its liabilities.

The majority share owner is a willing seller, Craig Whyte is a willing buyer - the deal will be done, only not as quickly as some hysterical onlookers might wish.

And, supposing Whyte's deal breaks down - well the bank will simply impose further financial restrictions, which Ally McCoist, the fans and the Laptoployal might not like, but will have to endure, until someone else comes along.

Rangers might have to suffer a season or three of relative non-success, in reduced circumstances, but that club will survive.

I recall as a teenager reading an article in the business pages of a Sunday newspaper, which said there were four Rs in business in which it was worth having shares - Rolls-Royce, Rowntree, Reuters and Rangers. They wouldn't deliver spectacular profits, but they were gilt-edged companies which would always provided dividends on their shares.

Rolls-Royce, Rowntree and Reuters have had their ups and downs since, there have been take-overs and there has been re-organisations, but they are still big companies. Rangers have since become one-man's plaything and been, it has to be admitted, grossly mis-managed (off the field) for the past decade; but Rangers is still a brand worth buying into. Craig Whyte knows that.

I AM not holding my breath, but with the PFA and the SPL awards done and dusted there only remains the big one, the Scottish Football Writers Association's awards night and all the merit prizes will have been giv en out.

I am not a member, I was for one season, many moons ago, but on reflection didn't want to be part of a club that was more about ego massaging and brown nosing than improving the lot of football writers. So, I haven't got a vote. But, knowing many of those who do, I feat THE manager of the Year will miss out.

That man is Barry Smith at Dundee, whose achievement in sweeping-up the shit he was left to inherit by another example of the lack of direction at the top of that club, has been unsurpassed this season.

Had it not been for the 25-point penalty imposed on the 'Dee, his side would have won the First Division title. Of course, you might argue, if they hadn't had that penalty as a just cause to fight against, they probably wouldn't have won the league any way.

That's a debating point, what is beyond debate is - Dundee have had a marvellous season and Smith should win the award.

However, should Rangers win the SPL, then you can bet, the Laptoployal will vote en-mass for the other Smith as MOY.

JUST a passing mention. The SPL is still debating re-organisation. In less time than the SPL has been arguing, the Scottish Rugby Union has convened a working party - which has consulted all the clubs - has discussed what they heard - come-up with a plan and will put that plan to the vote at the SRU's annual meeting in June, for changes to EVERY league in Scottish rugby, which will introduce a revamped national league and regional league set-up from August, 2011 and a properly-constituted national pyramid system in August 2012.

Scottish football has been talking about a pyramid for at least a decade and has done nothing.

And they call the rugby players thick.

Don't Vote It Only Encourages Them

TOMORROW, Scotland goes to the polls to elect our government for the next five years. I always, at election time, marvel at the way my colleagues at the front of the papers get themselves into a lather over opinion polls, which, at the moment are all indicating Alex Salmond will be re-elected to head an SNP government.

That will, I expect, be the outcome - what will remain in doubt until the final vote is counted some time on Friday is: will Wee Eck be heading another minority administration, or will he, this time, have a working majority. The trouble with opinion polls is, they cannot fully answer this question, since pollsters' samplings only question a limited number of voters. In reality the papers should be doing, when commenting on opinion polls is putting-in the disclaimer: "such-and-such a percentage (of those polled) will be voting SNP/SLAB/Monster Raving Looney Party or whatever.

The election campaign has been a compressed SPL campaign - we know it will be one or other of two big teams which will win; we think one of them has a slight advantage as the polls open, but we are not sure if it can hold-on for victory.

Wee Eck Salmond is, I suppose, the Neil Lennon of Scottish Politics. He is now easily the biggest personality in this particular game, he's got an awful lot of enemies, but he almost revels in this hatred, doesn't give a toss what the rest think and will go his own way.

Ian Gray, sadly for SLAB is no Walter Smith, in fact I think he's more like Jim Jefferies. He has this image as a torn-faced so-and-so who is more dogged than gifted and what I understand as a good sense of humour in private never comes across in public. Also, like JJ, he has to deal with an absentee boss, who sits 400 miles away, seldom visits Scotland and pulls all the strings.

I suppose Annabel Goldie is Maw Broon, while wee Craigie in football is Paw Broon. Mind you, going by his track record, Maw fine wummin though she is, is probably 20-years too-old for Paw.

The big difference, however, between Scottish politics and Scottish football is - in football we can definitely tell the big two apart.

WELL done the SPL in voting big Mixu as Clydesdale Bank, SPL Manager of the Year - his feat in righting the good ship Killie, which was listing heavily when he took over has been a display of exceptional management and he has got his just reward in being asked to take over his national side.

I WAS speaking to one of the "names" on a national newspaper sports page this week and this writer, one of the best in the business, was telling me that, since his team is in the SFL Irn-Bru First Division, he has been watching them quite a lot, by choice, whilst duty keeps him otherwise in the SPL.

His opinion is: the First Division is the more-entertaining league. Great, I thought it was only me who thought that; I'm glad someone else has seen the penny drop.

SPEAKING of the gap between First Division and SPL - wouldn't it be great if SFL-style play-offs were intorduced and we had the possibility of two-up, two-down between the two leagues?

I wasn't a great fan of the SFL play-offs when they were first introduced, but, they have grown on me and they are now a definite cracking way to end the season. I like the format, whereby second-bottom of the upper league plays fourth in the lower league, while second and third in the lower league go head-to-head, in the play-off semi-finals. This usually means second-bottom facing second-top in the final, which is only fair, since there is seldom much between the teams finishing second and third in the lower league, or between bottom and second-bottom in the upper one.

We tend to think the SFL teams are maybe a wee bit set in their ways, sort of stick-in-the-mud outfits, but, by introducing play-offs they brightened up the end of the season.

Time to extend the fun and interest to include the SPL I think.

GREAT to see Paul Lambert's Norwich City back in the big time, with automatic promotion to the English Premiership assured. And with Delia Smith doing the purvey, they'll be welcomed back with open arms.

Good news too for Craig Levein; with the Canaries promoted, I would hope Simon Lappin begins to be spoken of as a Scotland possible. He will, hopefully increase the competition for the left back/wide left position in the national team, where his pinpoint crosses could be a potent weapon.

Bring Back Joyce Grenfell

THE late Joyce Grenfell was in some ways an acquired taste - but some of her sketches have stood the test of time and, like Del Boy Trotter falling through the bar, Basil Fawtly not mentioning the war or Captain Mainwaring saying: "Don't tell him Pike", her offerings such her exasperated nursery school teacher have proved to be timeless.

The High Heid Yins at the SFA and SPL must feel like this poor teacher, trying to see the best in her young charges, and loathe to wield the big stick, as they survey the daily tit-for-tat postings from both sides of the Old Firm divide on Scotland's football websites. It has all become too-silly for words.

That said, I did laugh at one offering I saw, which followed the assassination of Osama Bin Laden by that USA special forces unit. This suggested OBL's death promoted Neil Lennon to fifth place on the UK's "most-hated" list, behind: 1, Jose Mourinho; 2, Ashley Cole; 3, Gary Neville; and 4, the guy who is supposed to be shagging Pippa Middleton. Now that's healthy Old Firm banter.

Not so-healthy is the feigned outrage at Davie Weir's loyal message on his strip at Motherwell. The SFA's response was one of the rare cases which you see these days of Jack Mowat's advice to referee's: "There are 17 written laws in football, but the most-important one is the unwritten law 18 - 'use your common sense'".

WELL done John Higgins, putting a really hard time behind him with Snooker World Title number four.

Scotland gets a hard time sometimes, but Higgins is now accepted as a true sporting icon, alongside fellow snooker hot-shot Stephen Hendry; Olympians Sir Chris Hoy, Allan Wells, Dick McTaggart, Eric Liddell etc; world champions in diverse sports such as athlete Liz McColgan; boxer Ken Buchanan; motor sport's Jim Clark, Sir Jackie Stewart and Colin McCrae; bowlers Richard Corsie, Hugh Duff, Paul Foster, David Gourlay, Alec Marshall and Willie Wood; horseman Ian Stark and so forth.

Notice anything, all these sporting greats got to the top in individual sport, even though the petrol-fuelled "Flying Scotsman" were certainly at the sharp end of big organisations.

Why cannot Scotland produce great teams in team sports, particularly football. For all our lengthy list of footballing icons over the 130 years - apart from the Lisbon Lions, we haven't had a single team at the top of an official FIFA or UEFA pecking order. Certainly our great teams - the successive teams of the 1870s and 1880s, our great sides of the 1920s, epitomised by the 1928 Wembley Wizards, were brilliant at times when football wasn't the global game it is today.

We rested on our laurels and let the rest of the world pass us by. Isn't it time we got back to basics, re-discovered the Scottish qualities which made our football teams great and got back to the top, where we feel we belong?

I MET Willie O'Neill, who passed away last week, once or twice and he was one of life's good guys. A good, journeyman, but lacking that magical X-factor which separates the merely good from the great.

Like so many Old Firm journeymen, he could so-easily have settled for the mundane when his time with Celtic, the only team he ever wanted to play for, came to an end.

He went to Carlisle United, then a mid-table Division Two (Championship to the younger reader) English side. But, at Burnton Park, he found himself earning as much as he had at Parkhead, and playing to as good a level. He was a star there, only to see his career cut-short by injury.

His Carlisle debut was in a pre-season friendly against Celtic, which United won 1-0. The reason they won was simple, Celtic fan O'Neill had a point to prove to Jock Stein, the manager who had released him; while goalkeeper Allan Ross, brought-up in a Rangers-supporting family in Springburn, was under orders from father, mother, uncles, cousins and school friends from Albert Secondary to: "No let them Tims beat y0u".

Between them O'Neill and Ross inspired a Carlise win. And that's why Celtic and Rangers players of today keep their teams at the top. In every game they play in Scotland, Celtic and Rangers are up against an XI which probably contains a minimum of six Old Firm fans. The three Rangers ones want to either, show Rangers what they missed, or beat the other lot - the three Celtic fans, same thing, different order. No other Scottish clubs have to face this many on-field fans, determined to beat them.

Not Your Average Angel

IT is hard-enough picking a side here on earth; just be grateful, when (if) we get there, so few of us will have to pick the best-of teams from those available to the managers of the teams, playing on the Eleyssian fields of the hereafter.

If heaven really is heaven, it almost makes you want to rush up there to see real, flowing, attractive and attacking football every day. Coversely football in hell must be terrible - buses parked on both 18-yard lines, kicking matches every time - well it will make the Auchinleck and Cumnock committeemen who are sent there feel at home.

But, imagine if you were Harry Swan, or whoever was manager of the Heavenly Hibs, when, just before kick-off on Saturday, St Peter walked in with: "Your latest signing, Eddie Turnbull". It wouldn't be so-bad for Swan say, he did after all manager Hibs to three league titles and he had Ned as one of his Famous Five. But, from now on he'll be looking over his shoulder for his job and in any case, who drops out to allow the Heavenly Hibs to field four-fifths of the Famous Five? I assume up there by the way, Joe Baker is holding the number nine fort for Lawrie Reilly, still, happily, with us mortals; but who, until Saturday, was holding the 10 shirt for Eddie?

I was lucky enough to see Turnbull play and to interview him on two or three occasions - a great character and man - he will be mourned beyond the confines of Easter Road and Pittodrie.

A pal of mine who played under him at Queen's Park tells me, Eddie in full, four-lettered flow had a wondrous command of early Anglo-Saxon and could use the F word as noun, adjective, adverb, pronoun or whatever. Rest in Peace sir.

THE daily Rumour Mill on Scotsman.com is essential reading for all lovers of football banter. Invariably 99% of the posts concern the Old Firm and a large percentage of these are mutual tit-for-tat posts by wind-up merchants of both hues.

It's great stuff. Some of the posters have the ability to read sectariansim and bigotry into what seem to be the blandest of posts - Mason Boyne (Robbie Coltrane's wondrous Orangeman creation from his days with BBC Scotland's Comedy Unit) is alive and well, as is his Celtic alter ego. It just makes you fear for any end to the quasi-religion cloaked in football constituency in Scotland. But what really worries me when reading the Rumour Mill is: these guys have computers and internet access.

I WAS at the Ayr v Currie rugby match on Saturday. We've seen our football referees denigrated almost non-stop this season. We've seen decisions good and bad, right and wrong debated ad nauseum from August to now and received wisdom appears to be - Scottish fitba referees are shite.

Across the road, the Scottish guys who play with odd-shaped balls have been mounting a season-long campaign to big-up our much-maligned rugby referees, not one of whom has been considered good enough to go to the Rugby World Cup in the autumn, while some Irish and Welsh guys who are frankly, a joke, will be there.

Then, along came Peter Allen in the Wales v Ireland game, to tell a bigger porkie than even Dougie McDonald and Shug Dallas. At least Celtic won that game at Tannadice, Allen's porkie-pie cost Ireland an international and a Triple Crown.

On Saturday at Millbrae, Andrew McMenemy, a young, full-time referee, who is being fast-tracked to the top by the SRU gave a totally inept display which, had he made it during an Ayrshire junior game, somewhere like Auchinleck or Cumnock, would have kicked-off World War III and maybe earned him a nice warm bed in Ayr Hospital's A&E Unit.

He made Willie Collum look competent - honest. That said, McMenemy and his two touch judges, who were equally poor, vigorously defended their positions under fierce questioning from Ayr members in the club house after the match. This is much-more civilised than the football scenario whereby referees are smuggled into and out of grounds under security escort and much-healthier. All was resolved, even if they agreed to differ on one or two decisions, within an hour or so of the final whistle.