Well Done Girls, Our Media Was Too Polite To Say This

I DESPAIR of our mainstream sports media. By a country mile, the biggest story in Scottish football in the past week was – SCOTLAND QUALIFIED FOR A MAJOR CHAMPIONSHIPS FINALS.

OK, it was “ONLY” our Women's team who did it, but, at the end of this season, when the UEFA Women's European Football Championship Finals kick-off in the Netherlands – the Saltire will be flying amongs the flags of the competing nations, and Flower of Scotland will be heard before some games. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it all our managers and players who have failed to qualify for nine successive tournaments – and counting.

Anna Signeul and her girls have done us proud, we should be celebrating their success. But, sadly, misogyny still rules in too-many sports departments, indeed, coverage of Women's Football in Scotland is virtually a one-man cottage industry. The women's game, which is, in many ways leading the men's game, is all-but-ignored when it comes to allocating column inches.

So, the girls going to the Netherlands was a feel-good story in a week when we were all down after Celtic's Nou Camp hammering, but, what was THE big story of the second half of the week – why, surprise, surprise, Joey Barton had thrown a wobbler. Well, did anyone NOT see that one coming?

Once Mr Barton signed for Rangers, it was always a case of when, not if, he had a meltdown. With Joey boy, shit definitely happens.

All we need now is for the girls to get out of the group stages and into the knock-out phase in the Netherlands in June, then it should be big reddies all round for the blazers in the Hampden corridors of power – except it won't be: they'll all be over there, enjoying the hospitality and trying to tell the stenographers they always knew our women were leading the way.

THE other bit of earth-shattering news in football this week was: Glenafton Athletic beat Auchinlec Talbot 3-1 at Loch Park. Now, the Glen beating Talbot is not new, what is new is, this is the second straight week in which Tucker Sloan's men have shipped three goals and Talbot historians such as “Jumbo” McAuley are already consulting the tablets to find-out when last that happened.

OK, they have a couple of games in hand over the early pace setters, but, Talbot are in the bottom half of the West Superleague Premiership, and I don't ever recall seeing that.

One of my oldest friends, an Affleck man who lived-out his fantasy by playing centre midfield for Talbot, these many years in the Sudetenland, was in-touch yesterday, asking what was happening. He is in shock.

But, I am sure, this is a temporary blip, maybe a typically devious Auchinleck ploy to try to get decent odds against their team reclaiming the Scottish Junior Cup this season.

PELE was in Glasgow last week – another peripheral football event which got more coverage than our Women's team's qualification. This gives me a chance to tell a funny.

When first in Scotland, for a pre-World Cup warm-up match against Scotland in 1966, Pele and the Brazil team, then the defending World Champions, were billeted at Troon's Marine Hotel, and they trained at Portland Park, home of Troon Juniors.

Among those who went down to watch Brazil training was Alex McMenemy, one of the stalwarts of Scottish Schools football and Director of Football at Renfrew High School, long before Directors of Football had been thought-of. During his trip to Troon, Alex got his photie taken with Pele and, for many years, it took pride of place in his office at the school.

Fast forward to the late 1990s, and Alex round-up a couple of wee First Year boys to carry some stuff into his office – he was by now Depute Rector. The first wee boy puts his load down and spies the picture of Alex with Pele.

“Haw Sur, dae you ken him”? Was the question. Alex replied that, yes, as the picture of them shaking hands showed, he had indeed met that particular footballer.

The youngster turned to his pal: “Haw Wullie, luk, Mr McMenemy kens Mark Walters”.

THE first big game at the new multi-million pound Oriam Centre, just outside Edinburgh, takes place next week, when Scotland's Under-16 squad takes on France.

The Scotland squad is:

Goalkeepers

Ryan Mullen (Celtic)
Archie Mair (Aberdeen)

Defenders

Taylor Wilson (Hamilton)
Andrew Kerr (Celtic)
Nathan Patterson (Rangers)
Chris Hamilton (Hearts)
Kane O’Connor (Hibernian)

Midfielders

Marc Leonard (Hearts)
Harry Cochrane (Hearts)
Terry Taylor (Aberdeen)
Dean Campbell (Aberdeen)
Ethan Erhahon (St Mirren)
Billy Gilmour (Rangers)

Forwards

Kieran McGrath (Celtic)
Zac Butterworth (Rangers)
Jamie Semple (Motherwell)
Anthony McDonald (Hearts)
Joshua McPake (Rangers)

These boys are all Under-16, therefore, all were born after 2000. It will perhaps be interesting to look back, in say ten years' time, to see how many made it all the way through from Under-16 to the full Scotland squad. I'll wager there was more chance of the best Under-16 players born in 1900 going all the way than there is for these 21^st century tyros.

Forget The Money Get The Game Sorted

MANY years ago, hard on the heels of the release of 'Nutbush City Limits' and 'River Deep and Mountain High', a journalist from one of the American glossy magazines was sent to interview Ike and Tina Turner. The interview revealed very little, except for one sentence which has lived on: “I didn't know it was possible to spend $1,000,000 in Woolworths'.

Apparently Mr Turner and his then young wife had had a good taste bypass when it came to furnishing their home and generally spending their money. I sometimes think, English football clubs have fallen into the same trap, when it comes to spending the billions of £ sterling which Sky and BT insists on throwing at them. Fair enough if it only applied to them, sadly, although they have a lot less dosh to squander, the legendary Scottish quality of financial prudence seems to have deserted out top clubs.

In short – fitba has become obsessed with money, to the detriment of the game.

After Celtic got handed their earses on a plate by Barca on Tuesday night, their apologists in the Scottish sporting media – ok, the other lot get apologised for more-often, but, when you read some of the shite which passes for analysis where the Bigot Brothers are concerned, that old journalists joke – an “excuse” is the collective noun for a group of sports photographers – also applies to the fans with lap tops.

The churnalists were all going on about the difference in wealth between the very rich Celtic and the mega-rich Barcelona, concentrating on the balance sheet in money terms, rather than the balance sheet deficit in terms of talent, commitment and tactics which handicapped Celtic.

Scotland - this wonderful wee jewel of a country will never see its football club earn from TV the same cash as does the game in England, Germany, Spain, Italy and France – Europe's big five. But we used to be able to, and I believe can again, produce players who can take-on and beat the likes of Barca, Manchester City, Borussia Monchengladback, Juventus or Monaco – who did a right good number on Spurs on Wednesday night.

This would call for a culture change, and a lot more work by our players and coaches than they currently put-in, but, it can be done.

Celtic didn't have the ball too-often on Tuesday, but, when they did have it, they wasted little time in giving it back to Barca. Barry Ferguson, when he was playing for Scotland, used to be constantly pilloried for passing short and square – before him, Paul McStay used to get the same charge flung at him. However, these two players appreciated, in international competition, be it for club or country – possession is all; you defend the ball, you don't give it away cheaply.

You can play the risky pass at domestic level, you will get away with it. In international play, you will be picked-off if you try this.

Still on the subject of midfield passers, no Scottish player, and I include the two above, has had the range of hurting passes which Jim Baxter, Bobby Murdoch and to a lesser degree Bertie Auld possessed. These three could all play the “killer” through ball on which Joe McBride, Stevie Chalmers and Ralph Brand thrived. With a guy who could play such through balls today, Leigh Griffiths would score 50 goals a season.

The Herald, this week, did a piece on Pele's solitary appearance in Scotland as a player, in 1966. In the very first minute of that game at Hamden, Baxter put Stevie Chalmers through to open the scoring with a ball of such imaculate pace and length, the Celtic man could not possibly have missed.

Then there was John Greig's wonderful winning goal against Italy earlier that season. A limping Bill Brown tolled the ball out to Baxter, who came left, then worked his way upfield via an exchange of passes with Billy Bremner, before rifling a pass between the Italian centre halves, for Greig to run on and score from 18-yards. This was, remember an ITALIAN “cattenaccio” defence, being unpicked by old-fashioned Scottish along-the-ground passing, first-time, at a high tempo.

When, in the intervening 50-years did we lose the ability to play a style of football which Scotland had been refining for 100-years before hand, since such as Robert Gardner, Charles Campbell, William McKinnon an the McNeil brothers invented the passing game in the 1870s.

I read one of the so-called top football writers, in the aftermath of Celtic being hammered, bemoaning the fact, Celtic had only committed three fouls all game. Well done Celtic, fouling the likes of Barca's golden trinity up front merely underlines how much better they are. If you have to tackle an opponent, far less foul him, you have already lost. In football, if you get it right, you do not have to tackle, outside your own penalty area. Anticipation, positioning and quickness will allow you to intercept by cutting-out passes. The tackle has to be the last throw of the dice.

Maybe our footballers should look at arguably Scotland's best professional sports team – Glasgow Warriors. Check-out how they train, the work they put-in, and, compare it with what Celtic and Rangers players do. I think the results would shock.

Our players don't work hard enough on fitness, or in particular on technique. Our coaches have discarded the high-tempo passing game which used to be the Scottish style. Until we get back to working harder, and playing harder, we will struggle.

If we got it right, regardless of the financial imbalance, I am sure, our clubs could live with and regularly beat the likes of Barca.

But, for this to happen, there has to be an extreme culture change.

SPEAKING of culture change – I see Hearts are getting pelters this week, as regards diving. Well, while history tells us, wee David Wilson invented “diving”, this was always an Edinburgh thing. Regardless of Wilson's ability to manufacture penalties for Rangers, Scotland's foremost diver was always the late Sir Peter Heatly, a true Edinburgh man.

Diving was ok when it was a Rangers thing – Wilson begat John McDonald, who begat various other “submariners”, whilst, in recent years, across the city we had a Bulgarian and a Japanese who were up there with Tom Daley. Now, diving has spread east, although, in the Romanov era, I recall Hearts had one import from the Baltic states who had a rare talent for going to ground.

The answer is obvious, bring-in TV reviews. If the decision is “penalty”, fair enough. If not, yellow card. Add a totting-up process, with suspensions for persistent offenders – job done.

This blog has long maintained, association football, being the most free-form brand of the various codes of football, MUST be the most-rigorously refereed – this is far from the case.

Clamp down on the cheaters, the divers, the “hammer throwers”, the yards-stealers, and allow the true skills of football to flourish. Otherwise, the game, slowly dies.

No Disgrace In Losing, But Our Overall Organisation Of Football Remains Just That - A Disgrace

JOE, former Glasgow cabbie, lang syne retired to Ayr, is “Token Tim” in our gang of coffin-dodgers. He knows I am indifferent to his beloved Celtic – I don't care who beats them; just as I don't care who beats the other cheek of the sectarian earse.

So, when I wandered into our Wednesday meeting this morning, he looked-up and said: “Right, get it over with, let's have your rubbish about last night”.

What could I say? Other than, there really was nothing to say. Celtic did very little wrong last night,but were still swept aside by a side playing right at the top of their game. Barca played some wonderful stuff, and, to Celtic's credit, they never resorted to putting the boot in.

But, if this can happen to our best team by a distance, just how far have we fallen. I know we could cite the massive gulf in resources, finances, tv income and support between the two clubs, but, it's only money.

The Lisbon Lions were paupers in comparison with Inter Milan – that didn't stop them winning, but, the Lions' feat in winning the European Cup remains a one-off for Scottish football. We are never going to be able to attract talent such as Messi, Neymar and Suarez to Celtic Park or any other ground in Scotland – but, we could still, if we ever got our act together, breed players of that standard. We did once, we can again, but, only if we have a root and branch overhaul of Scottish football.

A Skelping For Rangers, But Not Even A Ticking-Off For OBFA

RANGERS had their earses well and truly skelped at Parkhead on Saturday. There really is nothing even the staunchest, loyalist member of Ra Peepul could say in mitigation. They got handed a lesson on how far behind their old rivals they are.

A period of silence, contemplation and probably a new approach is called for from the men running the club, both in the Ibrox corridors of power, and on the ground at whatever Murray Park is called these days.

The win has more-or-less guaranteed another title for Celtic. The psychology of Scottish football now being: they two are better than us, so, we are playing for third. Now Celtic has shown who are the masters, I do not see Aberdeen or Hearts coming through to challenge them. This domestic primacy, however, will not, I suspect, mean much in Manchester, Barcelona or Monchengladbach.

The fans were praised for their behaviour. Well if one lot being up to their knees in Fenian blood – again – and the other lot hanging effigies of someone on the end of a rope, in a week when the brother of a well-known Rangers fan and former player hung himself, is not offensive behaviour at football – then I do not know what is.

We all know, invoking strict liability on their fans' behaviour is the answer to most, if not all, the bad behaviour inside football grounds, but, we also know, Scottish football as a whole will not do this.

Can I make a suggestion? The Scottish government is being asked to at best amend, at worst scrap OBFA. Why don't they suggest, nicely, to the SFA and the SPFL: “You bring-in, THEN ENFORCE, strict liability, and we will suspend, pending scrapping, OBFA.

“We run a two-year experiment, if it works, OBFA is scrapped, if not, we toughen it up”.

The Scottish government might also add: “If you do do something, we will look at putting more government money into football – do nothing, we will do something”.

If the haddies among the High Heid Yins continue to drag their feet, then hell mend them.

A FAIRLY significant result passed, almost without notice or comment on Saturday. Scottish Junior Cup holders Beith beat West Superleague Champions Auchinleck Talbot 3-0 in a William Hill Scottish Cup second qualifying round tie on Saturday.

The match was at Beechwood Park. I cannot remember when last Talbot lost at home by three clear goals. Well done wee John Miller and his men. However, I fear for the rest of the West Superleague clubs, a wounded 'Bot is a very dangerous side indeed.

Old Firm, New Firm, You've Mistaken Me For Someone Who Gives A Shit

BEING a Baby Boomer, from God's Own County of Ayrshire, I am a country music fan. Now, I admire some of the more-recent country hits, but, by and large, I am a classic country man. Love The Highwaymen, both collectively and individually, Dolly Parton, George Jones, Hank Williams and the Gram Parsons brand of country rock hits the spot.

Of the newer stuff, one song, 'I Hope You Dance' hits the spot for me.

“Aye”, I hear you say: “Whit's this pish goat tae dae wi fitba”?

Well, back in 2012, when the High Heid Yins on Hampden's sixth floor shit themselves at the prospect of nae Rangers and came up with that crazy notion to demote the club to the bottom tier, they (though I doubt if this thought crossed their tiny brains) opened the door for a new era in Scottish football.

Of course, Chuck Green and the current bunch of gangsters at the top of the marble staircase, immediately slammed that door shut and barred it. The new, more-humble Rangers had a chance to put an end to the bad old days, go down a new route and make for a better future – they could have danced, instead they decided to sit it out.

Funny that, considering there are a couple of lines in that traditional Ibrox favourite: 'The Sash', which go on about: “singing and dancing with any man”. But no, rather than dancing to a new tune, making friends and influencing people and trying something comparatively new, like bringing through young, Scottish talent – the guys at the top of the marble staircase went for the same-old, same-old.

Thus, you have a Rangers team, stuffed with over-riced, many past their sell-by date, English players, taking on a Celtic team which, even though their squad is marginally the more-talented, relies on third and fourth-rate, non-Scottish talent.

This clash today, is the highlight of the Scottish season, so-far. The Scottish mainstream media is bigging-up this match as if it means something. Meanwhile, the good ship Scottish Fitba continues to list heavily, down in the bow and, rudderless, going round in circles, like the Bismark before the big guns moved in.

I could have got interested in today's game, IF, from Day One in Division Two, the Rangers management had decided: “We go with young Scots – we allow them to develop – we nurture from within and we grow in stature through each division”.

But, they didn't. They said: “We are Rangers, we must be seen to be better than all the rest”, and recruited accordingly. They had the chance to rid their club of the sectarian baggage, to stop being a permanent embarrassment and occasional disgrace. They didn't take it, and, at Noon today, the same-old, same-old will resume.

A plague on both their houses. I will not be watching.

Neither will I be watching the Manchester Derby. Better players – yes. Better managers – certainly, but, all the ballyhoo, all the millions cannot change one thing – today's lot will never come close to matching Best, Law and Charlton v Bell, Lee and Tueart.

Good Win, But, The More-Important Games Are To Come

OK, so we beat Malta – (cue Shania Twaine) That don't impress me much. I have to agree with Tom English of the BBC, who, in the build-up to yesterday's game suggested anything less than a Scottish win was a resigning matter for WGS.

But, while sticking five past their keeper and making the Maltese extremely cross – to be fair, more at the Ukrainian referee than us – was great for morale, and going top of the group is a super start, beating Malta doesn't amount to a hill of beans.

Remember, we are in a six-team group, so, in the final group calculations, results over the bottom team, which will almost certainly be Malta, will be discarded. That could be a handy wee life-saver, were we to slip-up back at Hampden, but, how we do against the other four countries is far-more important.

I was, again, deeply unimpressed by England. They are very beatable, trouble is, when we meet them it will not be a technical, highly-skilled match, but an old-fashioned British cup-tie. We are, however, overdue a win over our neighbours, and, if we get the breaks we got in Malta, we could leave the English media spluttering and Big Sam;s jaiket oan a shoogly nail – wonderful.

I still feel, however, until there is a root and branch overhaul of Scottish club football, and a proper plan to take our national team forward, we will always go into games on a wing and a prayer.

THIS week will be full-on, high-octane OldFirmitis, as the only game in town is done to death. Expect the Usual Suspects to be dragged-out to give their particular biased take on the whole shooting match.

I think I will take a week off to allow the hysteria to abate.

ONE of the benefits of having BT broadband is, I get a great deal on BT Sport on TV. This has given me access to the wonderful 30 for 30 series of sports documentaries, produced by ESPN.

I caught one last week about the deluded guy who, with no cash or backing, tried to take-over the NHL's New York Islanders ice hockey team.

Maybe, if someone at the SFA had had access to ESPN, and had seen this film, Craig Whyte would never have got through the door at Ibrox and we would all have been saved an awful lot of pain and aggro.

The would-be ice hockey tycoon, by the way, went to jail, did his time, came out and was then sent back when he tried a similar scam elsewhere.

I WAS reading an interesting piece in the New Yorker this morning – about Danny Cipriani, the wild child of English rugby. The piece included a great quote by “The Great One”, Wayne Gretzky, the Canadian ice-hockey player who is to that great game what Ali is to boxing, Bolt to track and field and Maradona and Pele to football.

Asked why NHL players were so-humble, Wayne said: “Because all the cocky ones get eliminated in the minor leagues”.

Right, let's go back to an apprenticeship in the juniors - for the good of Scottish football.

An' forrit, tho Ah canna see - Ah guess and fear

I WRITE this on the morning of Scotland's opening match in our 2018 World Cup campaign, against Malta in Valletta.

As I type these words, on that small, valiant, sun-kissed George Cross island – the Scotland squad will be breakfasting, no doubt ingesting the news as to whether they are starting, on the bench, or in the stand and therefore able to slap on the factor 50 and maintain that expensively-purchased summer sun tan.

Elsewhere, the foot soldiers of the Tartan Army will be enjoying their mainly liquid breakfasts, donning their match-day tartan finery and, like those of us left back in barracks, glancing forward, tho' at what we canny see, guessing and fearing.

Let's be honest, if Scotland doesn't make the Maltese cross by beating them, we are even worse than we fear we are. If we lose, Hell, even if we only draw, we might as well discard the lot of them and start again – because, if we cannot beat Malta, we have no hope of reaching Russia.

This is what the rule of the Hampden “blazers” has brought us. Not that Scotland has been really good at football this side of World War II. In fact, a graph of our international decline since 1945 goes downhill faster than BBC Scotland's Brian Taylor and Robbie Coltraine might manage if they were to be Scotland's two-man bobsleigh team at the next Winter Olympics.

Ominously, we have not yet bottomed-out. It is scary.

MEANWHILE, what concerns the stenographers of our glorious Fourth Football Estate – why a run-of-the-mill SPFL fixture, coming up next weekend, between two sides from Glasgow. You know what makes me laugh, all those Sellick fans, insisting Ragners are deid and the opponents they face next week are a new team – well these same fans are getting awfy excited and hysterical about this wee team.

By the way, if Level Five is indeed handling Rangers' pr – we can only assume Succulent Lamb Chop Traynor has lost it totally. Allowing that picture of the team, with a flute band, on the park at Windsor Park yesterday will go down as one of the great pr own goals.

Aye, sectarianism sells right enough.

I WAS in the opulence of the Signet Library, within the old Parliament House, next door to St Giles Cathedral on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh on Thursday night.

I was there for the launch of 'NUTMEG' the new Scottish football periodical.

PLEASE – BUY THIS PUBLICATION, MAKE IT A SUCCESS, UNIQUELY IT TREATS SCOTTISH FOOTBALL AS AN ADULT INTEREST AND THUS BREAKS THE MOULD.

Nutmeg deserves to succeed. Any way, one of the High Heid Yins in the Signet Library did a wee introductory spiel about the room and its history. All around us were leather-bound books, the thinking of the finest Scottish legal minds since 1532.

So, I went for a swatch around, but, I was unable to locate that seminal work from the currently longest-serving member of the College of Advocates. That book is entitled: 'The Donald Finlay Songbook'. I gather it's out on loan.