Let's Get Technical

NEARLY 30 years ago, with snow blanketing the country and all seven local junior football teams, plus the local rugby club idle, I had to somehow, fill four blank pages of sport for my local paper.

OK, nice big pictures of kids playing on snow-covered football pitches filled some space; a look forward to hoped for action at the weekend, plus weather forecasting and injury bulletins did for more column inches; a bigger than usual fixture list plus league tables helped. But, I still had a full page to fill.

Then, I remembered the local basketball club had a Sunday game; so, I went along, wrote it up and gave them more publicity than they had ever had. This got me into basketball, a game which I had previously not rated too-highly.

With regard to the present little local difficulties with referees in football, basketball has a couple of features which just might help-out the Beautiful Game. The first of these is the Personal Foul, the second is the Technical Foul.

The Personal Foul does what it says on the tin - each player is held responsible for every foul he commits, and after his fifth foul, he is out of the game. Such a rule in football would soon get rid of our "hammer throwers". Ross Tokeley for instance would only have to play about half an hour per match.

But the real beauty is the Technical Foul. "Techies" as they are known can be awarded for just about anything the referees consider to be against the spirit of the game: bad language, extreme dissent, any kind of misbehaviour. They are usually awarded against coaches, indeed, some coaches deliberately take Techies if they feel the referee is agin them.

The Techie is called and the opposition are given either one or two free throws - basketball's equivalent of the penalty kick, with, sometimes, if the Techie was a particularly bad one, possession given to the opposition from the restart. This is of course a big advantage in a game where possession is so crucial.

Now, imagine this in football. A manager is giving the referee all sorts of abuse from the bench. The referee goes over, indicates he has incurred a technical foul and awards the opposition a penalty kick.

I don't think it would take too-long for even the most-obnoxious, ginger-headed of managers to realise, he'd better stop having a go at the referee, or it is going to be extremely costly to his side.

And while we're importing sanctions from other games - what about a rugby-style citing officer, to look at footage of a game, after it has ended, and adjudicating on fouls or foul play which the referee might have missed? This too could clean up a lot of the nefarious paractices which besmirch the beautiful game.

Also, let's bring-in the sin bin, from ice hockey and rugby, so that any player receiving a yellow card has to spend ten minutes sitting out the action. Other rugby practices worth importing include the ten metres sanction for not immediately retreating to allow a free kick to be taken (if the offending side don't immediately get back - the kick position is advanced ten metres) and the practice of calling-up the captain so that he hears why his team mate is being yellow-carded and sin-binned.

I've said before and I will say again doubtless, football needs a spell of zero tolerance and these imports from other sports will surely help clean it up.

It's worth a try I feel.

A Play What I Wrote

EVEN the best double acts seldom survive the loss of one half: think Ernie Wise after Eric Morecombe's death, Bernie Winters without Schnorbitz, (not that Bernie Winters was ever in a good double act).

Only Peter Cook,Ronnie Corbett, and Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, all of whom are: "National Treasures" can be said to have survived the break-up of a double act.

I fear, all this nonsense with the referees might also signal the break-up of perhaps the most-treasured double act in Scotland, the Old Firm; since there are signs that, maybe this time, Rangers have recognised that Celtic have gone too far, and might not be willing to under-pin their dearest friends in their battle with the SFA.

Apart from one or two journalists, nobody has yet come out and told it like it is - this current row is of Celtic's making. The unholy alliance of Celtic - the footballing arm of the Catholic Church in Scotland: led by Lord John Reid - "cardinal" of the Labour Party in Scotland - the political arm of the Catholic Church in Scotland: and with timely intervention from said Church's pr arm, have helped get rid of Hugh Dallas, long time target of the Celtic "family's" anger.

One down, one to go, with Dougie McDonald next on the CF's hit list. Except, Dougie, if his thick skin doesn't thin, will be a bit harder to get. He's already been punished for his indiscretions following the Tannadice yes/no penalty; he's still got the protection of the former referees on the SFA's Referees Committee - no, he's safe, at least until the end of the season.

But, crucially, Rangers are not standing silently behind Celtic. Walter Smith has had his say, as has Dundee United's Stephen Thompson - the consensus is out there: that this is Celtic's fault. Now, Scottish football has to find the cojones to do something about that club.

If they do, it will not be pretty and I suspect, for starters, Neil Lennon will be watching from the stands for a long time.

It will be interesting too, if Dallas and some of the other former SFA employees sacked in the aftermath of the rogue e-mail, decide to sue for unfair dismissal. After all, this e-mail has been fairly well distributed, it has featured in a prime time TV show. With the right employment lawyer, Dallas might be able to demonstrate that the SFA's decision to sack him was over-the-top and perhaps motivated by other events. In which case - chaos.

Yes, we live in interesting times.

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RANGERS might have lost to Manchester United in midweek, but, they certainly put-up a better show against them, in both legs of the Champions League matches, than did Blackburn Rovers yesterday.

I know you cannot make snap judgements on a couple of games, but, I reckon Rangers could survive and prosper in the English Premiership, even with their present "weak" squad.

At the risk of being accused of harping-on, I've said this before and will no doubt say it again, but Walter Smith ought to shut up about how he needs funds to strengthen his squad and get them back at Murray Park in the afternoon, working on their weaknesses, particularly their inability to keep the ball, sorting out these failings. That way, the current squad just might go a long way in the Europa League. And while he's at it, in these dog days of your managerial career, how about changing the habits of a life time and trusting young players Walter.

Kyle Hutton didn't look at all overawed against Manchester United, give him, young Fleck, Wylde Junior and the other kids more game time. They deserve the chance.

Oh What Tangled Webs We Weave.....etc

SO it's goodbye to Dallas, but unlike the would-be assassin of John Ross Ewing II on tv these many years ago, we know who pulled the trigger on Hughie. Well, Stewart Regan did the firing, but the wide-spread perception is that Celtic made the bullets.

Of course, Lord Reid will never admit to this, after all, as a member of a British cabinet who swalllowed, hook, line and sinker, Tony Blair's, George W Bush's and Alistair Campbell's lies, thereby condemning hundreds of thousands to die in the second Iraq war, he has previous in saying: "It wisnae me, a big boy did it and ran away".

There is further public perception that Celtic were "after" Dallas for years, now they've got him, with a little bit of help from the Roman Catholic Church, an institution of which, let's not forget, Celtic FC has long been seen as the footballing arm.

The whole Whistlegate affair has been another text book example of the British media and public in one of its rare bouts of moral rectitude. Such affairs demand a scapegoat or two and now Dallas has been got, there is real pressure on Dougie McDonald.

Funny how the letter from the Catholic church in Scotland's spinmeister helped get Hughie the sack. That a body which has made cover-ups of paedophilia and child abuse an art form should get so upset at a dodgy e-mail poking quite fun at it is taking post-modern irony to extremes.

The whole episode makes me more certain than ever that Scottish Football is a fetid swamp which badly needs draining. However, as we all know - when you're up to your arse in alligators, it's difficult to remember that you were meant to be draining the swamp.

I feel this whole sorry mess still has some way to run; it may get more messy still and I don't see Scottish football being the better for the entire exercise.

We're awe doomed, doomed a tell ye.

Never Mind the ba'-heids, get on wi' the gemme

LAST night we forgot all about refereeing disputes long enough for a rather good football match to break out at Ibrox.

Manchester United won, which wasn't really a surprise, but they needed a soft, but correct, penalty to break a resilient Rangers team. Given that both sides were some way short of full-strength, the game did, however, show that the gap between the top of the SPL and the top of the EPL isn't that great. With a bit more luck and belief, Rangers might have won it, but I think their display put to bed any doubts as to their inability to survive, should they ever be allowed to play in an all-British Premiership.

To me the big difference between the two teams was in the quality of the passing; United linked with much more assurance than Rangers, while giving the ball away a lot less often. In top-flight football, possession is everything: Rangers can get away with slip-shod passing in the SPL, because they'll very quickly get the ball back. Against the likes of United, failure to retain possession means a long time on the defensive.

I've long said Walter Smith doesn't need a transfer "war chest", or to recruit new players in the January transfer window; what he needs is the energy to get out onto the training field with his players to sort out their deficiencies and teach them to hold onto the ball once they've got it.

There's an old story of how they decide if the Dutch canals are ready for the annual winter festivals of outdoor speed skating. The theory is, if a canal can sustain a ten-year-old standing on the ice, it will hold a 14-year-old skating. If it will hold for an Under-15s ice hockey match, it will take a bunch of adults skating and so forth.

By the same token, if Rangers can keep possession and a clean sheet against Hamilton at home, then, with a bit more application, they can do this against Hearts away. They can then progress to doing the same against Celtic at home and so on into Europe. To extrapolate further, they ought to be challenged to beat a bottom six club by three clear goals away from Ibrox, then a top six club by the same total at Ibrox and if they can do this consistently, the step-up in class of opponent forced by Europe should not be beyond them,

Challenge your players to earn their vast salaries Walter, don't just dole it out to them.

By the way, Allan McGregor is a top-class goalkeeper, but, like so many today, he doesn't hold enough shots first-time. He made two crucial saves last night, but, in not holding either shot, he offered Manchester United potential follow-up shots from the rebounds, chances a Law, a Greaves or a Muller would have taken - fortunately, there are not many stirkers of that quality around in football today.

I think he got away with it

GEORGE Peat is seen in some quarters (some? many) as a sort of Basil Fawlty character and the SFA's media department automatically reach for the tin helmets, flak jackets and sand bags whenever a microphone is thrust under his nose.

But I think, at yesterday's Scottish Cup draw, he just about got away with not mentioning the war; in fact his wee spiel about the on-going unpleasantness between the Association and the Grade One referees was a model of rectitude.

He gave the impression of having censured all sides, while the forecourt at the Tattiedome was awash with tumbleweed as Celtic digested the fact, they had just been given a very public kicking for their behaviour.

What happens now? We hear that referees from out-with Scotland may be brought-in to cover the weekend's games. Should be fun; Dougie, Wullie, Craig, big Charlie, Brinesie and Co might be shite, but they're OUR shite. How will we cope with foreign shite?

As a poster on the Hootsman's web site asked this morning: "How will foreign referees cope with Scottish rules?"

Scottish rules? You know, those little local rules so-beloved of golfers and in a Scottish football context never better summed-up than by Ivan Golac's observation after Dundee United didn't get a stonewaller against Rangers one afternoon: "All over world was penalty - not at Ibrox".

God help say an FAI referee who on Saturday doesn't give Celtic a penalty, or an IFA one who overlooks a Rangers' claim - or vice versa. Just a thought, would non-Scottish referees want to venture onto our fetid little football pond?

When foreign referees come over here, for European games, they are generally looked after by Scottish referees in terms of hospitality, "taxiing" and the like. These guys have long-established links with the guys who are now striking. It might not be as easy as some in the Hampden corridors of power think it will be to replace our striking officials.

Also, as we know from European games, challenges which go unpunished in Scottish domestic games, often bring yellow and red cards in Europe - "that wouldn't have been a foul in the Premiership/Premier League" is cliche number four in ITV's guide to Champions League commentators. There could be blood and snotters aplenty if the weekend games go ahead with foreign officials.

Why don't we go back to football's earliest days and have disputed sorted out by the two captains, but, since today real power rests with the managers, let them sort out disputed penalties and the like - Neil Lennon v Terry Butcher, I know who my money's on.

You Can't Touch Me I'm Part Of The Union

SO our referees are indeed Brothers, but of the Trades Union rather than Masonic tendancy, as witness their proposed strike for Saturday. I can understand their decision to strike, but, since strikes generally solve very little and leave all parties out of pocket, this is yet another wrong call from a bunch of guys whose tendancy to make wrong calls this season has helped cause all the bother.

Regular readers of this blog will know, I've been saying for a while, the Laws of the Game need a thorough and radical overhaul, via IFAB, the supreme law-making body in football. However, I have also been saying for a while, I doubt if the appetite for this and the cerebral power to make it work is there.

What is also required is a bit of common sense from all quarters, even the media. It is just one small component in the current sorry mess, but media hype hasn't helped. Every decision is now scrutinised in minute detail, via umpteen camera angles, in real time, slow motion, then "super slo-mo", so that a decision, which a referee has to make in an instant is pored over, then deemed "wrong". This places unacceptable levels of pressure on a body of men who are by and large scrupulously fair.

Of course they have prejudices, we all do. To pluck names out of the air, David Weir probably gets away with challenges for which Ross Tokeley will be booked. If Craig Brown says something to a referee in passing, during a game, it will be let go, whereas the same remark from Neil Lennon or Jim Jefferies might bring an invitation to go and sit in the stand - but, that's life.

What doesn't help is the constant input from former players turned media pundits and from managers desperately hanging onto their jobs. If it was up to some of the media pundits drawn from the ranks of the recently-retired players, no tackle would ever bring a foul, regardless of how late, high and crude; no yellow card would ever be justified - add in the bias of such as Murdo MacLeod, who has yet to see a Celtic player commit a foul, and you've got a recipe for big trouble. Some managers are in charge of 11 angels apparently.

Factor in the antics of Ginger Whinger II, plus Celtic's long tradition of playing the victim card and you've got a significant component in the current trouble. That club has constantly sniped at Dougie MacDonald, since the Tannadice penalty incident.

To put it bluntly, they want him out.

But, he did the main part of his job. Regardless of how he reached the decision, he got it right when he didn't give Celtic the disputed penalty. He and various others within the refereeing department then attempted a cover-up/explanation, which they got wrong - AND FOR WHICH MacDONALD WAS PUNISHED - via a reprimand.

Now Celtic clearly feel this was insufficient punishment. But the place to raise their concerns about the punishment, or lack thereof, is via the correct SFA channels - not through the media.

I was speaking to a senior refereeing figure recently, he said to me: "Celtic are now making it almost impossible to appoint a referee to an Old Firm game". I would go further: the impression is now afoot that Celtic want to hand-pick their officials, guys who will see things their way.

When this happens, football is finished, it cannot be allowed to happen.

Maybe this strike should go ahead, give everyone a wee bit of time to reflect on events. If it happens, there will be no football on Saturday - and we will see what we will be missing. This just might concentrate minds wonderfully.

Schardenfreude

IT perhaps says much about the depths to which Scottish football has sunk in recent years that our most-commonly-felt emotion these days is that Germanic one: schardenfreude, as we revel in the misfortunes of our Saxon neighbours.

Seldom has that emotion been so warm in Scottish breasts than in these past few days, as that glow we felt following Scotland's 3-0 win at Pittodrie (ok it was ONLY the Faroes, but three-goal wins have been in short supply of late) was further extended by England's dismal defeat at the hands of the French 24-hours later.

We recall how the self-styled football 'Master Race' had rationalised their dire World Cup performance with: "at least we were better than France". Now the poor English cannot even use that excuse.

Of course, post-South Africa the French got rid of their biggest impediment, coach Raymond Domenech, a sort of Inspector Cluseau in an Adidas jacket; enter Laurent Blanc and voila, the vaa-vaa-vroom was back.

England meanwhile have to stagger on under the baggage they seem incapable of jettisoning: "we invented the game"; "best league in the world"; "world-class talent" "the golden generation" - how the self-delusion lingers.

We have known for years that Scotland was poor - "We're shite, and we know we are" first entered the Tartan Army song book as far back as 1996. Now, without getting carried away, it was after all, ONLY the Faroes we beat, we can start to smile at our neighbours.

Not so long ago, if asked to pick a composite England/Scotland XI, just maybe, Darren Feltcher and Barry Ferguson (whose great asset at international level was, he seldom gave the ball away) might have got in as the two holding midfielders in an otherwise all-English XI.

Today: Craig Gordon and Allan McGregor are far-better goalkeepers than Joe Hart or Ben Foster. Alan Hutton and Phil Bardsley are better right backs than anything England has to offer. Fletcher would be even more of a shoo-in in midfield, while Charlie Adam's star rises ever-higher with each Premiership outing for Blackpool. The bigger clubs are circling, like sharks, around West Brom and Graham Dorrans. Kenny Miller is widely seen as the best striker in a 4-5-1 formation in British football, while, like Adam, Barry Bannon's star is definitely in the ascendancy, although he's still very much one for the future.

Now, all Craig Levein has to do is find his best-formation, hopefully during the Carling Nations Cup games; avoid injuries to key men, find a settled central defensive formation, a proven international goal scorer and a cure for the Scottish disease of multiple injuries before big games and we're on our way to Poland and the Ukraine and back into Pot Two for the big tournament draws.

Simples.

A Hamlet Moment

I SUPPOSE Craig Levein, were he so inclined, could have enjoyed a "Hamlet" moment as he closed his hotel room door in Aberdeen last night. He avoided the Faroes fish skin and in the performances of the likes of Phil Bardsley, Danny Wilson, Barry Bannon, Charlie Adam and Kris Commons, he got definite bonuses.

Of course, putting three past the Faroes in Aberdeen is an entirely different thing from facing Spain in the Bernabeu, but, given our recent record in friendlies, we've got to be happy, as Craig surely is.

He's now in a great position with the games against the two Irelands and Wales coming up, to keep things ticking over before the European qualifiers resume in September, next year. By then, the guys above, whose stars are in the ascendancy, will hopefully be more-comfortable in the Scotland set-up, while, hopefully, some of the shoo-ins who opted out of the Faroes game, will have given themselves a shake in the face of the challenge from the new boys and Levein has genuine options to consider.

I've long said, Scotland doesn't have a development plan for international football - a definite progression through the age groups: U-16/17/18/20/21 there is, thereafter, it's sink or swim.

There used to be an annual Under-17 tournament, Scotland, Belgium and Holland participating. Then there was the annual Under-21 visit to the Toulon tournament. OK, with European Championships, the season is getting a bit crowded nowadays, but, if you look at the SFA's official website, the women's teams seem to play an awful lot more internationals, at every level, than do the men's teams - why?

They've got a development plan, of course, the ladies are not so tied-in to Scotland's "Aye Been" culture - "it's aye been done this way son", than the men - so why haven't the men's team?

We need to have more games for the players who are out of the age group system after Under-21 football, but are maybe - like some of the guys blooded at Pittodrie, not yet ready to be regulars in the big team.

Berti Vogts introduced the Futures squad, which died a death with the arrival of that well-known mistruster of young players, Walter Smith.

I say restore the Futures squad, perhaps as an Under-23 team; and while we're at it, more B team games please.

The way things are in club football these days, with money talking more loudly each season, we have to find a way of getting our players used to facing overseas players more regularly than can be done through our clubs - then maybe we'll see more Scots players featuring in the squads of the very best clubs in England and abroad.

During the 1950s, Scotland for a time ran Under-23, B and full teams. During that period, of 25 U-23 players capped at this level, only seven went on to become full internationalists. But of the 38 players capped at B level, 17 went on to become full internationalists. Admittedly, some of these only won a single or single-handful of caps, but the 1950s B teams did help us find John Hewie, the South African-Scot who played for Charlton and won 19 caps (a good haul for those days) and it also kept one or two reserves to automatic choices in the Scotland set-up. It might also have taken far too long for his class to be recognised, but Ronnie Simpson's first Scotland honour was a B cap (in 1953).

Also, back then, the Inter-League internationals were another staging post between club and international football. Several players were blooded for the League XI before quickly going on to win their full caps.

This doesn't happen today and I believe Scotland is the worse for this. Club to international is too-big a single step, we need to get our development plan into place.

Most People Happen By Accident

THE heading to this post may be a saloon bar truism, but, as Sir Alexander Fleming memorably demonstrated, sometimes an accident can bring about something good.

I therefore welcome the decimation of Craig Levein's original squad for tomorrow night's friendly with the Faroes at Pittodrie - the re-shaped Scotland squad may well be the start of something good.

Scotland doesn't "do" friendlies. Our overall record in internationals isn't good, but, if you separate meaningful competitive games from friendlies, we do much better. There is something in the Scottish footballing psyche which demands that a game has to mean something, before we get properly into it.

I have long argued that, notwithstanding possible negative effects on our FIFA co-efficient, Scotland managers ought to use friendlies for experimentation. Pick your best side by all means, but keep it to yourself and hope you can get your First XI all fit and raring to go when it matters; otherwise, weed-out the diddies.

Our press will always bombard the Scotland boss with advice: 'My Scotland team would be' is a regular pre-match filler in most papers. But I shudder to think what would happen if Levein or any Scotland boss ever picked the press's team.

I seem to recall, about 20 years ago, a Yugoslav international manager fell out with the Belgrade press corps about his side and challenged them to pick their team for a trial game. This the press duly did, the boss then picked his side, which won easily. Worth a try CL if you're ever under the cosh again.

Originally, Levein wanted this fixture to be a B international, but, when that wasn't on, he went for the Faroes option. Let me say here, if we cannot pick a B team capable of beating the best the Faroes has to offer, it's time to pack it in.

As it turns out, the Scotland team will be almost a B squad. If we take our optimum 1st XI right now as something like: Gordon or McGregor; Hutton, Weir, McManus, Wallace; D Fletcher, Brown, Dorrans, McFadden; Miller, S Fletcher, well, not too-many of them will be on the field at kick-off tomorrow. So, Levein has a chance to perhaps sort out some problems.

Can the re-called Stephen Crainey provide back-up for the injured Lee Wallace?

Can Phil Bardsley again impress and put pressure on automatic pick Alan Hutton?

Is Cammy Bell our number three goalkeeper?

Will the unfortunate Steven Caldwell again be an international disaster - or can he cut it at this level?

Could Kevin Kyle bring impressive club form to the international arena?

Can Craig Bryson take the step up from club football?

Can Gary Kenneth put his last international disaster behind him and kick-on?

Of course, the drop-outs have left one or two questions still unanswered. I'd love to have seen Chris Burke back in the Scotland squad; I think Levein missed a trick in not finding-out if Andy Webster was fit and if so, giving him a run-out - remember his impressive display in the B international against Northern Ireland at Broadwood, at a time when he was right out in the cold.

The Scotland team tomorrow night will be a far cry from what was expected when the squad was named, but, with the call-offs, this game now looks much more interesting.

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THERE is a very interesting piece by Michael Grant in today's Herald, about the return of the party songs across both halves of the Old Firm.

As ever, young Michael offers no solutions, other than the very sensible suggestion that self-policing is the way to root-out the bigots.

I've long felt this was the way forward. For instance, Old Firm away tickets are distributed through the official Supporters Clubs; the two clubs ought, therefore, be able to identify - once they know from which section of the ground the unacceptable songs are coming - which supporters clubs have members in that section.

First case of bad behaviour, call in that supporters club's officials and warn them: "Sort out your bad boys". If that doesn't work and that club are caught out again - no tickets for a spell; if that still doesn't sort out the lunatic fringe - no tickets at all for that club, which is un-affiliated.

You have to think and hope that the decent fans will get rid of the cancer before that happens.

And, publicise the bans; shame the shameful and often shameless. It's the best way forward.

Influence - Moi!!!

I don't know if Hughie Dallas and the other honchos of the SFA's referees department read this blog - so I am not getting too smug.

However, less than a week after my imaginary conversation between HD and Dougie McDonald, I see Neil Lennon - aka "Ginger Whinger II" was banished to the stand at Tynecastle.

I fear Celtic's serial moaning about refereeing bias against them might be coming home to roost.

Memo to Dr Reid, Mr Lawuntohimself and GWII - a period of silence on refereeing matters might be appropriate.

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MUCH celebrating in the streets of Gorgie and Leith this week, after Hearts and Hibs socked it to the Old Firm on the same night. The Hootsman has since pointed out that this double whammy last happened in 1972.

If it gives the Edinburgh pair the belief to make it happen more-regularly, it will be to the benefit of Scottish football.

I have long maintained, the Old Firm are not that much better than the rest, but usually start a goal to the good, since the mind-set within Scottish football when other clubs face them is damage limitation.

Be Scottish, have a go at them - it might pay-off more-often than once every 28 years.

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THE remainder of this blog is given over to a rant from my very good friend Aristotle Armstrong, the Scottish Rugby Philosopher. Aristotle, a former hooker, has trenchant views on the future and direction of the SRU, which he tries to air, in spite of a restraining order served on him by Murrayfield.

I have nothing against you soccer johnnies; by and large you may have been denied the benefits of a classical education at the Academy, Oxford and Sandhurst, followed by a short service commission and a lucrative spell with a city hedge fund.

You may also not be party to the wide-ranging intellectual discussions in the 19th at Muirfield, but, should the Hun ever give us a spot of bother in the future, we in the officer classes can trust you humble clansmen to "gie it some welly" as you say, when the going gets rough and the fighting dirty.

But I do wish you would keep your quaint soccer habits out of the chaps' game.

Just this week I almost spilled my G&T when I read in The Hootsman, that young Michale Blair had been handed "the captain's arm band" for Saturday's Murrayfield clash with the black-clad sheep worriers.

When I had finished choking, I penned a swift memo to young Walker, who normally runs a very tight ship on the sports desk at the foot of Holyrood Road.

He's a good sort is Walker, an East Fife zealot who actually turns up and watches games from the terraces, but I've suggested he gives one or two of his sub-editors a severe rucking.

This captain's arm-band is a continental affectation, which I understand first surfaced on this island in the mid-fifties, when some English club, Wolverhampton Wanderers or something, played a couple of high-profile floodlit friendlies, agains Hungarian side Honved and Moscow Spartak. These matches were televised live across the nation and commentator Kenneth Wolstenholme remarked that the Spartak captain wore a white arm-band to signify that only he had the authority to speak to the referee.

It took a wee while, but, gradually this practice caught-on, until today, football team captains all wear their little arm-bands with the same pride (if slightly less authority) as a newly-commissioned Second Lieutenant passing-out of Sandhurst sports his new "pip".

Indeed, one German sportswear company Uhlsport, even produces an arm-band marked "Spielfuhrer", which I suppose might hold a certain cachet for latter-day followers of the moustached little Austrian house painter.

However, we don't need such fripperies in the gentleman's game. Crammed as the ranks of our rugger teams are, with chaps of the right sort, the result of years of good breeding and buggery at our better schools; rugger chaps immediately know whom are their leaders. We do not need an arm-band to signify that some jumped-up oick can question the match official, we just know.

I trust therefore that the sub-editors on the Hootsman, coming as they largely do from a soccer background, will get the message - THERE ARE NO CAPTAIN'S ARM-BANDS IN RUGBY UNION FOOTBALL.

Rant over - back to you Socrates old boy.

Political machinations

CELTIC chairman John Reid comes across as rather a nasty piece of work. You don't reach the great offices of state which he filled without trampling over friends and rivals on your way up the greasy political pole, for a start.

But, that legendary spot of live mike eavesdropping, featuring Helen Liddell and Jack McConnel, telling each other exactly what they thought of the good Dr Reid rather emphasised that, not even his political colleagues were enamoured of him.

So, it should come as no surprise that Reid and his relations in 'the Celtic Family' should have managed to greatly embarrass the SFA blazers in the fall-out over "Dougiegate".

Celtic never liked Hugh Dallas - he has the mark on his forehead from that coin flung at him at the Tattiedome and the bill for replacing his replacement windows to show for TCF's disdain for him.

Similarly, TCF don't like Dougie McDonald - as witness the furore over Scott Brown's red card after his clash with Kyle Lafferty and the subsequent ratcheting-up of the venom after the Dundee United game.

Certainly, the SFA didn't cover themselves in glory with how they handled Celtic's squeals about the Tannadice penalty they didn't get.

HOWEVER.

Let's look at it again. McDonald, in the heat of battle, awarded Celtic a penalty, then rescinded his decision. Everyone and his brother is agreed - in the end, he got it right, since it wasn't a penalty.

Law V (i) says: "The referee is the sole judge of fact". Therefore, it wasn't a penalty. Celtic either accept the referee's decision and move on, or they show themselves up as rank bad losers (not that they actually lost, since the game finished 2-1 to them).

They can have no complaint about the decision; McDonald admitted he got it wrong first time, then corrected it.

Celtic do I feel have a case about the way the SFA handled the fall-out; but, they cannot have any cause to keep harping on about McDonald's handling of the game. To keep attacvking the referee is to attack the wrong target and I just hope the SFA sort them out for this, while sorting out their own inadequacies in administration.

What they are doing is conducting a witch-hunt against a good referee.

Nobody came out of this whole affair smelling of roses - now what is needed is a period of calm and silence.

I was speaking to a referee's supervisor this week and he was saying it is now all but impossible to appoint referees to Old Firm games, because of Celtic's constant whingeing and playing of the victim card.

If I was Hughie Dallas, I'd be putting Dougie McDonald immediately back onto the next Celtic game and instructing the Fourth Official: "The first time Lennon gets up off his erse - ping him, get Dougie in".

"And Dougie - send The Ginger Whinger straight to the stand and by the way, if you give Celtic any penalties, you're demoted."

A couple of weeks of not getting any breaks and they (Celtic) might shut up and let the refs get on with refereeing.

Celtic's complaints have also impacted on Rangers, and how their games are refereed - which was maybe something Celtic were seeking. My refereeing supervisor pal tells me one or two referees have sworn NOT to award penalties to Rangers if Kirk Broadfoot is the guy downed - following his alleged dive in the Old Firm game.

If this is the case, then Celtic have managed to compromise refereeing integrity, something they have complained about; since fear of allegations of pro-Rangers bias could prompt a referee to not award a justified penalty, should Broadfoot be up-ended.

It's a right mess.

Jute, Jam, Journalism and Jiggery-Pokery

I HAVE long had a soft spot for Dundee FC, maybe it's the memory of Liney, Hamilton and Cox; Seith, Ure and Wishart; Smith, Penman, Cousin, Gilzean and Robertson - the immortals who won the League in 1962.

Add to those 11 greats the likes of Billy Steel, Bill Brown and Doug Cowie and you have a rich tapestry of football skills to admire. However, the last 30 years or so have been disastrous ones for the 'Dee. So long as they were Cocks of the Walk on Tayside, things were great at the top end of Tannadice Street. But, once Jerry Kerr and Jim McLean started stirring the pot at the bottom end, things got difficult for the men in dark blue.

It might be over-simplistic to say this, but allowing wee greetin'-faced Jim to walk out of the front door of Dens, turn right then cross the street, just might go down as the worst mistake ever made by a Scottish football club.

Of course, letting McLean go was maybe a managerial decision; Dundee FC's current travails stem from a catalogue of severe boobs from a series of directors over a number of years.

'Spivs R Us' perhaps ought to be the name above the main door at Dens, so many wide boys have there been inside the board room of late.

Now, as a result of this week's SFL decision to dock the club 25 points, the 'Dee are all but certain to be relegated at the end of the season.

Pardon me for not greetin' into my beer - they've had it coming.

Of course I feel sorry for the many decent, devoted 'Dee fans who have watched pantomime follow carnival, to be superceded by farce in the board room, as the various regimes have assumed then ceded control of the clubs.

Some, such as the Marr brothers were full of good intentions, but lacked the basic bottomless pool of cash to sustain unrealistic expectations. Others were simply outright crooks and, as ever, as they swanned-off into the sunset, the real fans were left to weep and moan.

Henry McLeish's soon-to-be-published report will be more concerned with the future running and shape of Scottish football. Dundee twice going into administration in seven years shows, the overall governance of the clubs needs sorting out too.

Third Lanark was brought down by a single spiv, Dundee by a series thereof - the common denominator was a long, sad, slow decline. Might it not be better were Dundee also to shut down? At least then there would be some good memories for the fans - not least 1962.

If not, and Dundee soldiers on, then sorry fans, you'll just have to grin and bear it.

They're Maybe Numpties - But They're Our Numpties

DOUGIEGATE, Collumgate, Cravengate, on and on the refereeing rumpuses rumble. If the mark of a good referee is that you never see them, then we've got some rank bad refs in Scotland right now.

Of course, the truth is, we've got some very good referees today, it's simply open season on them in the media. Given that the guys making the decisions on the tabloids' sports desks by and large have the attention span of a gnat, the hue and cry will die down and they'll move on to some other target.

Football has so changed in the last decade and a half as to bear only a passing resemblance to the game of even 30 years ago. As far as refereeing goes, let's be honest - the great referees of the past, such as Jack Mowat and Tiny Wharton would struggle today with the pace of the game and the fact, the respect for authority which gave them their right to control games is now gone from society.

And while we are getting torn into Scottish referees, if Mark Clattenburg's handling of the Nani goal for Manchester United v Spurs is any guide, let's have no repeat of the age-old call for English referees to be imported for the major Scottish games, particularly those between you know who.

I've said it before and doubtless will again - in over 40 years of covering over 50 sports - I've long ago come to the conclusion, English referees, like most English players are over-hyped and not as good as Scottish referees working at the same level.

About Nanigate: Clattenburg appears to have missed the hand-ball and was playing advantage to Spurs in the face of unsuccessful United penalty claims, when Gomez mucked-up and Nani took advantage.

If he had seen the hand-ball, but allowed Spurs to play-on, he could still have halted play and awarded Spurs the free kick, once Nani had taken advantage of the goalkeeper's blunder in not protecting the ball.

That's what would have happened in rugby; there, when the referee is playing advantage, he clearly signals such, BUT, if sufficient advantage does not accrue, he stops the game and restarts with the appropriate set-piece. There is no argument, other than that some rugby referees allow longer advantages than others, there is no set advantage time.

Nanigate and all the other 'gates mentioned above are further proof of what I've said in past posts here - we need a proper, thorough and wide-ranging updating of the Laws of the Game, to reflect the evolving face of football.

What we are getting is a lot of hurried changes to operating procedures, how the Laws of the Game are interpreted and so on, and as we are always being told: hurriedly-written law is generally bad law.

Run it through IFAB, take your time and get it right, please.