Call Them Out

SOME years ago, when we still had sufficient footballers of the quality which at least partially endorsed Scottish football's collective self-image - ie players who could trap something livelier than a bag of cement, whose second touch wasn't a desperate slide tackle, intended to regain the possession their initial mis-kick off either shin had lost them and who weren't labouring under the misapprehension that tactics were small, white mint sweets -  during a late-night "brains trust" amidst a bevvy of football writers, I threw-in a curve ball.

"Why not", I mused, as we discussed the impending announcement of the Scotland squad to face San Marino, Andorra, Luxembourg or England, one of the real diddy teams of Europe: "Select Auchinleck Talbot en bloc?"

After the shouts of: "Taxi for Socrates"; "Nae mair drink fur him"; "Ye aye were a bag o' piss, but wi that yin ye went too far"; had subsided, I was invited to  explain my: "Rush of shite to the brain".

Simples. The perennial minnows of European competition - Andorra, San Marino, Luxembourg, Cyprus, Malta, Faroe Islands and the like have lang syne adapted their game to their talents. They "park the bus" and defy their allegedly more-talented opponents to break them down; they break-up play, waste time, frustrate and seldom if ever cross the half-way line, for fear of an immediate nose bleed.

So, my plan was, embarrass them into having a go, by deliberately selecting a team, some way below our optimum squad and thereby inviting our opposition to answer our slur by attacking us.

I reckoned that if a team of part-timers - postmen, electricians, white van men, couldn't entice a team of waiters, barmen or fishermen to break the habits of a life time and have a go - nobody could.

I further reckoned that the likes of any given Auchinleck Talbot side, given the chance to represent Scotland at the top level, would show a bit more passion and commitment than the over-hyped and over-paid "stars" of the SPL or EPL.

These guys would be fans who would metaphorically die for the jersey and since there wouldn't be that much difference in ability, our perceived greater organisation would carry the day.

Craig Brown, when I suggested this ploy to him, didn't laugh out of hand; but then "Granpaw Broon" has never been anything less than a gentleman - he maybe thought I was mad, but was too well-brought-up to say so.

I would be tempted to offer this pick our diddy team scenario as a potential means of getting the required three points from our up-coming clash with Leichtenstein, except, if we do put out a diddy team, Craig Levein would be as well sticking with what he's got in his regular squad - we have sunk that far.

THOSE Celtic fans who remain concerned as to the possibility of their club being re-instated to the Europe League are, I feel, right to air these concerns. Little if anything is ever black and white where football politics is concerned; UEFA and FIFA have a long and tarnished track record in reaching puzzling decisions, so why should the menage a trois between UEFA, FC Sion and Celtic be any different?

On the face of it, Sion broke the rules when they signed the players when banned from so doing and ought to be flung-out on their ears. But, on the other hand, given they had signed them before they kicked a ball - they ought probably never to have been allowed to play them.

Then there is the disputed definition of the length of the ban; something doesn't add up there. Finally, there is what I see as the main bone of contention. The way Sion are using the Swiss courts to embarrass UEFA and FIFA.

Both these organisations are Swiss-based, therefore, they would, one would think, be tied to Swiss civil law. The two governing bodies are sticking to their assertion that they are the law as far as football is concerned, and the Swiss law cannot intervene in football matters.

Against this, there is the convention that every organisation within any given country ought to be law-abiding as far as the law of that country is concerned and the perception that the laws of the land ought to carry more weight and hold primacy over the laws of the game.

In which case, if the Swiss civil courts say the players can play - UEFA and FIFA have to bow before this and let Sion field these players.

It's a complex one, but, if I was Celtic-minded, I wouldn't be checking out Ryanair's and Easyjet's prices to Madrid just yet.

POOR wee Robert Earnshaw, missing that golden chance to put a spoke in England's wheels at Wembley the other night. Never mind wee man - the day will come, perhaps when you are old and bald, when the thought of the miss doesn't flash through your consciousness at least once every ten minutes.