Who'd Be A Scottish Club Manager? Too-Many Deluded Fools, Unfortunately

IN THE wake of Jack Ross's sacking as Dundee United manager – after a mere seven weeks in-charge, and hard on the heels of a 0-9 home rubbing at the hands of Celtic, I turn again to the wise words of Alistair MacLeod.

I learned much listening to Ally hold court in that tiny office under the Somerset Park stairs. His post-game meetings with the press were often hilarious, sometimes lengthy, but never boring. I recall one night, after an ugly Ayr United win which had brought all the scorn arch-critic Enclosure George Reid could vent at Ally, from his perch behind the home dug-out.

“Does George's constant criticism bother you,” one of our number asked. “Not really,” said Ally. “It comes with the territory, and, so long as George and his ilk are having a go at me, my job is safe. The time to worry is when they start having a go at the Chairman and the Directors – that's when, to protect themselves, they sack the manager.”

Now, I am unaware how much abuse Dundee United owner Mark Ogren has been getting from the unhappy Arabs fans, but, in the wake of a seven-goal thumping in Europe and this nine-goal bashing from Celtic, I suppose some unhappiness has been evident to the American owner. However, since the unfortunate Ross is his fifth Manager in as many years as Owner, I fear Mr Ogren is a man of little patience and an itchy-trigger sacking figure.

With his record, I will be amazed if he finds someone soon prepared to take the Tannadice job, or, an adequate manager who will be given enough time to turn things around. Perhaps some venerable Tannadice supporter should take the owner aside and explain to him, the club's greatest personality – the late Jim McLean, on taking over from Jerry Kerr, the man who made United relevant in Tayside football, still took eight years to win his first trophy.

The same supporter should also remind the Owner, United haven't won one of the three meaningful domestic honours since 2012, but, given the supposed “Big Team in Dundee” - sitting 200 yards up the road, have won nothing of note since 1974, and are one division down from them, United are still Cocks of the Walk on Tayside.

The current distressed state of the game in the City of Discovery reminds me of a joke I first heard from the late comedian Bobby Knutt, at Batley Variety Club, in the mid-1970s.

“What do I think of football in Sheffield,” wee Bobby mused. “I don't know, it might catch on.” Knutty was a life-long “Blade”, a supporter of Sheffield United, so he was speaking from the heart.

I should maybe note in the passing – Sheffield United have won nothing of note since The FA Cup in 1925, while rivals Sheffield Wednesday have won nothing since The League Cup in 1991, so Dundee isn't the only major British city living with years of football under-achievement.

I do feel for the sacked Ross. In just eight years he has gone from being the “hottest” young manager in the game to being twice sacked by under-achieving Scottish provincial clubs, both incidently owned by Americans. Might this be a factor? Both United's Ogren and Hibs' Ron Gordon are new to Scottish football and perhaps could do with a crash course in the history of our game. Instant success does not happen up here.

Mind you, I have long maintained, The Bigot Brothers will continue to ride roughshod over the rest of Scottish football until there is a proper CBA – a Collective Bargaining Agreement in-place, to level the financial playing field. I would also suggest mergers to form single clubs in Dundee and Edinburgh would also help level-up the spread of the honours. However, I don't see that happening any time soon – if ever.

THE LEAGUE CUP is the embarrassing uncle of Scottish football. This young upstart – a mere 75 years old, against the League's 131 years and the Scottish Cup's 149 years, has struggled to maintain relevance – they don't even give you a European place for winning it.

Certainly, as with the two older trophies, the magnificent League Cup is more-often to be found in one or other of two Glasgow trophy rooms, but, it has thrown-up its share of shocks, never more-so than in season 1971-72. when Partick Thistle surprised even themselves by beating Celtic.

It used to be the harbinger of the new season, with big crowds turning-up on opening day to get their first fix of fitba for the new season. These days, however, the league cup almost coughs and apologises for sidling into play to remind us, summer will soon be over. Indeed, these days those clubs who have qualified for Europe are excused participation into the second round.

This week is the week when the big boys, all bar Heart and the Bigot Brothers already out of Europe for another year, come into the competition. I have said this before and I will doubtless say it again – if the League Cup is going to be treated as a diversion from the league, then, at least make it meaningful.

Why don't the powers-that-be, at the very-least, invoke the “eight diddies rule” so that each team has to have than many Scotsmen on the park at all times during the games. That way we would be showcasing native talent and giving young Scottish players a chance to show what they could do.

It just might make it a less-predictable, more-even competition.

FINALLY – Yesterday I read on the online Scottish Rugby website The Offside Line, about the regime new Glasgow Warriors' Head Coach Franco Smith has instituted at Scotstoun.

The new South African Honcho has what he calls: “The Cheese Puff Squad,” players who are returning from injury or are felt to need to shed some weight, in the gym at 7am and on the exercise bike. Apparently this timing speeds up the body's metabolism. He also had other squad members out on the pitch, working on set match-play situations.

Just a thought, I wonder if even GvB and Ange the Aussie could get that level of commitment out of their guys at Milngavie or Lennoxtown. I suspect the wee lambs would be screaming at the inconvenience.

 

Tough Draws But It Might Have Been Worse

WELL – we ken noo. Rangers will face Ajax, Liverpool and Napoli In Group A Of the Champions League, while Celtic will face RB Leipzig, Real Madrid and Shakhtar Donetsk In Group F Fine, great for Scottish football, to have two teams in Europe's elite competition, so, why am I underwhelmed?

I sat down to watch Wednesday night's match from Eindhoven, but, I gave up after 25 minutes. Quite honestly, I thought it was pure pish. Two poor teams playing a boring un-entertaining brand of possession football. Maybe it's me, but, while I could get excited about watching the Lisbon Lions or the Barcelona Bears taking on the cream of Europe, watching a team with only a couple of Scots, representing “Scottish Football” is a turn-off for me.

And that's before my continued belief – several of the current Rangers team are simply NRC – Not Rangers Class. There was one moment in the 25 minutes or so which I watched, where a Rangers player was given the ball, in space, some ten yards inside the PSV half. OK, the TV pictures didn't give you a view of the entire PSV half, but, it seemed to me, he had space in front of him to run into. My reaction was, hit the bye line son and cut the ball back to supporting runners from midfield – certainly that's what the great Rangers and Scotland wingers and inside forwards (ask your grand-father what they were) would have done.

But, no, today's “star” trotted forward five yards, stopped, then played the ball back into the Rangers' half, where the recipient played the ball even further back and across the field. The whole momentum of the move was ended before it had even started properly.

It seems today, keeping the ball is more-important than using the ball to attack. By the way, I am not having a go at Rangers in isolation here. I also believe some of Celtic's big money foreign imports are NCC – Not Celtic Class either.

Thursday night's Hearts v FC Zurich match, even allowing for the length of time it took the BBC technicians to discover where the plug had been pulled in the second half, was even more of a turn-off.

At least, unlike Rangers, Hearts were attacking in waves, but, when they got to the Zurich box, the lack of quality was evident. I've covered enough games to know, when it's been one-way traffic in the first half and it's still 0-0 at the break, the side which has done all the attacking isn't going to score, far less win.

Also, the fact that few Scottish players outwith the Bigot Brothers are proficient divers was demonstrated when George Grant stupidly got himself sent off in the second half. I think it's rule number four or five in the professional player's handbook: “Don't dive for a penalty when you're already on a yellow card.” Hearts should maybe send Grant along to the Royal Commonwealth Pool for some diving lessons from Commonwealth Games gold medal winner James Heatly – one of the few Scots who has mastered The Nakamura – that's a forward, two and a half somersault, with one and a half twists.

I hear James is working to perfect the even-more-difficult Petrov, that's a Nakamura, with an additional twist – in the piked position.

At least, in the third tier Europa Conference League. Europe's equivalent of League Two in Scotland, Hearts have an opportunity to help boost Scotland's European Clubs Co-efficient, and not leave it all to the Big Two.

Realistically, the Old Firm will be looking to finish third in their respective group to continue their European campaign into 2023 in the Europa League, but, while I cannot see either winning their group, second place and a run to the knock-out stages of the Champions League is not beyond either team.

The big games will be the two Battles of Britain, while the away trips to Naples for Rangers and wherever the Shakhtar game is played for Celtic will surely test the travelling fans' mettle.

ONE OF the legendary tales of Scottish Rugby concerns the Scottish XV's pre-match planning for the 1986 Calcutta Cup game at Murrayfield. England had a huge pack, epitomised by their second row pairing of the six-foot eight inch, 19 stones 'Blackpool Tower' – PC Wade Dooley, and the six-foot six inch, 17 stones Maurice Colclough. Nullifying them was a major problem for the Scots.

Until that is future BBC Scotland talking head John Beattie offered a solution. He reckoned, if he thumped Dooley in the first minute, the big polisman would spend the rest of the game trying to exact revenge, and as long as Beattie kept him occupied in this, Scotland were playing 14 men.

The plan worked a treat. Beattie punched Dooley in the first ruck and his “rope a dope trick” worked as the Englishman spent the rest of the game seeking, in vain, revenge and Scotland scored a record 33-6 win.

I mention this, since it now seems the rest of Scottish football has worked-out how to nullify the threat of Alfredo Morelos in a Rangers' team – simply wind him up, he'll lose the plot and get sent off – simples.

Rangers used to have an ice hockey-style “enforcer” who by his very presence prevented the opposition from kicking their danger man – a guy like John Greig or John Brown. With such a player in the team, you knew, if you touched the Rangers danger man, you were going to get hit back harder.

Sadly for Rangers and Morelos, it seems these days are past. He will just have to get used to the cheap shots, because the word is now out that he can be very-easily unsettled.

Morelos might also care to reflect on the fact, when two such prime examples (not) of the dedicated, single-minded footballer as Charlie Adam and Kris Boyd are having a go at him – he doesn't have many friends.

 

The Olympic Stadium, Munich v Ibrox - No Contest

I OPTED-OUT of the BT Sport coverage of Rangers v PSV Eindhoven on Tuesday night, choosing instead to view the BBC iplayer stream of the European Athletics Championships from Munich. I think I chose well. Olympic Champion Marcell Jacobs absolutely oozed class in winning the Men's 100 metres, while Welshman Jeremiah Azu surely delivered the most over the top celebration of a bronze medal in history, however unexpected it was.

However, on the night, it was a case of Deutschland uber alles. Even Katherine Merry – who knows her athletics – felt, at best, home favourite Gina Luckenhemper could get into the medals mix, she still had the two British girls: Dina Asher-Smith and Darryl Neita, along with Switzerland's Mujinga Kambudji as more likely to end up on the rostrum. But, the German lassie flung herself at the line, ended up bloodied on the track, but got up to collect the gold.

That result reinforced a feeling I've had for a wee while, British Athletics needs to invest in a top-class sports psychologist. Too often, talented Brits falter on the biggest stage.

But the win of the night was surely Niklas Kaul's in the decathlon. A record 76 metre javelin throw in event nine was followed by a 1500 metres win which even the likes of Seb Coe or Steve Ovett could have applauded – from the way it was achieved, if not on time - to win another German gold.

Like most occasional viewers of athletics, I tend to disregard the field eventers – the real glory is on the track. I admit my favourite discus thrower has always been the great Ukrainian Faina Melnik – mainly because of the legend, confirmed to me by Sergei Baltacha, who witnessed the incident, when she flattened iconic Ukrainian football coach Valery Lobanovsky, after he tried to remove her from Dynamo Stadium and she hadn't finished her training session.

However, I gained a new respect for Croatia's Sandra Perkovic, who silenced the partizan home crowd to relegate two German girls to the minor medals and, in the process, won her sixth European gold medal. Her day job is as a member of the Croatian parliament.

As I said, no regrets at passing on the events at Ibrox. I did however switch over in time to catch the last 15 minutes or so of the action. I missed it in real time, but was shaking my head at the replay of the PSV equaliser. Not for the first time at Ibrox in recent years: the cry was no defenders, as Rangers failed to deal with a set piece.

If there is one thing you can practice, it's defending free-kicks and corners. Perhaps it's because they face so few in domestic competition, that the Old Firm duo don't seem to do this, then get caught-out in Europe. Just putting that out there.

Mind you, I honestly find 2022 football a hard watch. Barry Ferguson used to get pelters for the number of square balls he played in his Rangers' career. The current lot could do with him, because, on last night's viewing, they have two or three players in midfield whose first thought is to pass backwards. Maybe GVB should dig out and show his midfielders some examples of Jim Baxter defence-splitting passes.

The House Jocks within the membership of the Scottish Football Writers Association keep salivating at the skills of Ryan Kent. To my mind, watching him last night and reinforcing previous opinion, there's a very good reason why he's plying his trade at Ibrox rather than Anfield.

He flatters to deceive, sure, he has talent, but, little or no end product. Jurgen Klopp didn't rate him and off-loaded him. I'm with Klopp.

My Auld Hun of a faither follow-followed Alan Morton, Dave Meiklejohn, Bob McPhail, George Brown, the Iron Curtain defence, Brand and Miller and, like me, he worshipped Baxter. He had an expression of disgust - “NRC – Not Rangers Class.” I think Kent is one of several in the present day squad on whom he would hang that label.

Another thing which puts me off modern football is this emphasis on ball-retention without really trying to attack. OK, I can understand the reasoning behind, having taken the ball all the way to the edge of the opposition's penalty area, the ball is then played all the way back to your own box, in an effort to open-out some space; but, it's boring as hell.

I have often thought, why not adopt the basketball rule whereby, once you have taken the ball into your opponent's half, you cannot retreat out of it. Let's encourage positivity.

Also, given Association Football is the most free-form of the various football codes which are popular world-wide; shouldn't the Laws be the most-stringent, as a means of better protecting the top talent? Maybe if a lot of the things which are now let-go were penalised, we'd have a better game.

For instance, when last did you see a defender inside the penalty box, being penalised for a shirt tug? It's almost as if pulling an opponent's shirt had been legalised. Let's also think of bringing in the likes of green cards for technical offences, or for cynical law breaking – as we see in other sports such as hockey.

In other sports, teams are penalised for such things as “delaying the game,” or for not taking set pieces within a set time. Let's sort that out. Or, maybe we should think of making a match last 90 minutes “Ball in play time.” That would cut-out time-wasting etc.

As I wrote above, modern fitba is a bit of a turn-off for me, and a lot of my contemporaries feel the same. Having seen, in the flesh, the likes of Baxter, Law, Jinky, Dalglish – remembering Gemmill's Goal – today's game leaves a lot of us cold. Maybe we should do something about this?

 

Wha's Like Us - Right Enough

IT IS an auld Scot's toast, one we learn at our grannie's knee: “Here's tae us, wha's like us? Damned few and they're awe deid.” Few phrases better sum-up the gallus confidence of “The greatest wee nation God ever put breath intae.” We make ourselves feel good about ourselves and Scotland with such “wisdom,” then we put down our glasses and allow a bunch of self-serving, mainly white, middle-to-upper-class English politicians, to whom we are a small, far-away nation of which they know little and care even less, make most of our important decisions. Aye, we are indeed the people.

For too long, well over 100 years, fitba has been a crucial crutch in Scotland's sense of self-worth. Sure, the game was developed and codified in the English public schools system. There, as with so-much of world sport, the English liking for order saw them write the rule book.

However, it wasn't until Association Football reached Scotland, and a bunch of enthusiasts on Glasgow's south side decided to modify the English style of individual dribbling, inventing the Scotch Passing Game, then took their style of play across the globe, that football became the global sport it is today.

Football may well be vying with people as Scotland's greatest export, but, as we approach the 150^th anniversary of the founding of our governing body, The Scottish Football Association, all is clearly far from well in the land which gave the game form and substance.

If you were not already convinced of the wisdom of Private James Frazer, of the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard, when he repeatedly assured anyone who would listen: “Doomed, we're all doomed Ah tell ye,” or his equally frequent muttering of: “Rubbish!” then surely Thursday night's events in the Netherlands should have convinced you.

That AZ Alkmaar should overcome a one-goal first leg deficit to remove Dundee United from the season 2022-23 European Conference League will not be seen as a huge surprise. After all, in the UEFA standings of the continent's domestic leagues, the Dutch top league: The Eredivisie is ranked seventh, our own Premier Division is ranked ninth.

So, we shouldn't be surprised that the team lying third in that league should knock out the team lying ninth in the ninth-ranked European league. However, a seven-goal hiding is maybe rubbing-in Scotland's lower status a wee bit.

Disaster in Alkmaar, however, comes hard on the heels of Motherwell, one place above United in the Scottish standings, being dumped out of Europe by Sligo Rovers, who lie fifth in The League of Ireland, Europe's 40 ranked league.

OK, for at least the last 50 years-plus, the rise of Rinus Michaels, Ajax and Total Football, we have had to revise our formerly low opinion of Dutch football. After all, Jock Stein's great Celtic team under-estimating Feyenoord and blowing a European Cup final has long been a plook on the face of Scottish fitba. We take nothing for granted when we face a Dutch side.

But, since Queen Victoria was still on the throne, we have looked down on Paddy and the League of Ireland. Surely Sligo beating Motherwell is a wake-up call. Or is it? In recent years we have seen Scottish clubs struggle in Europe against clubs from leagues we look down on condescendingly – the Irish, Welsh, Finnish and Luxembourg Leagues, to name but a few.

Our ninth place in the UEFA Countries Co-efficient standings is, in truth, down to the exploits of just two clubs – Rangers, currently ranked 33 in Europe, and Celtic, currently ranked 51. In all, UEFA's clubs co-efficient table lists 433 clubs who have played in European competitions over the past five years,

Aside from the big two, the other Scottish clubs to figure are:

• Aberdeen – 136: based on five campaigns

• St Johnstone – 161: based on two campaigns

• Hibernian – 162: based on two campaigns

• Motherwell – 163: based on one campaign

• Kilmarnock – 164: based on one campaign

Now, I will concede these figures appear to demonstrate the competitiveness of Scottish football. The Big Two compete at the sharp end, for the silver and gold medals, leaving the rest to squabble over the bronze, with the ones who best cope over a single season getting the minor European places the following season as a bonus.

Back in the early days of European football, in the 1960s and 1970s, provincial Scottish clubs such as Hibernian, Dundee, Aberdeen, Dunfermline Athletic, Dundee United and Kilmarnock were familiar names in the later rounds of the European competitions. These days, it's rare for the Diddy teams, as Chick Young calls them, to get over the first hurdle they face in Europe.

Researching this post, I happened upon a Wikipedia page: Scottish football clubs in international competitions. This page includes a table of Scotland's , or from a club in one of the UEFA Clubs Co-efficient since 2000.

Taking that year as the base line – the Scottish League was ranked 15^th in Europe. Since then, it has ranked: 16 – 12 – 9 – 11 – 10 – 11 – 10 – 10 – 13 – 16 – 15 – 18 – 24 – 23 – 23 – 25 – 23 – 26 – 20 – 14 – 11 – 9.

On the face of it, Scotland is doing ok. We currently have our highest co-efficient this century, our standing has risen in each of the last four years – BUT – and it's such a pity there has to be a but, this has been the work of just two clubs, the rest are, rather than contributing, holding us back.

Worse, Scottish players are not contributing that much to the cause. Both Old Firm squads are awash with NSQs – that's players who are not qualified to play for Scotland. They come here on big-money contracts, they kiss the badge when they score, but, we know, and they know, a half-decent offer from an English Premiership, or even English Championship club, or a club in one of the bigger European leagues, and they will be gone.

The Old Firm duo are papering over the cracks. Scottish football is in a real mess.

Is anyone along the sixth floor corridor at Hampden, awake – aware of the danger – prepared to do something about it? If not, we might as well revive the ghost of John Laurie and make him President and Chief Executive, for we really will be:

“Doomed Ah tell ye – Doomed!!!”

 

Well Done The Lionesses - But It's Still ABE For Me

I DON'T do tattoos, I have never fancied one and, to be honest I have never seen the reason behind them. But, if I was ever to get one, I suppose it would be something like a St George's flag with ABE in blue lettering over it.

Call me a Sad Sweaty if you like, but, to me in international sport, it is always: “ABE - Anyone But England.” Not that I have anything against successful England sides, I have a lot of time for English sporting icons such as Gordon Banks, Bobby Charlton, Jonny Wilkinson and Mike Tindall. It's just, well, the way their media and in particular the BBC go on before, during and after any English campaign.

It's almost Third Reich or similar totalitarian regime thinking: “Zu vill support ze Englanders unt zu vill believe ze are ze greatest – unt ve have vays of making zu do azis.” Sorry, well actually I am not sorry, but, I stopped reading the Daily Heil years ago.

I will not be surprised if, very shortly, that rag tries to convince us Liz Truss was responsible for the assist which led to England's winner.

So, I am quite happy to let the English go over the top in celebrating The Lionesses' win on Sunday, while reserving total contempt for the House Jocks who are latching onto this triumph as if somehow it was one for the absurd idiocy of “Britishness.”

Because, we now know the over the top media cheerleading for the footballing women was merely a warm-up for the even more absurd BBC coverage of what we must now assume are the English Games – seeing as no other nation is getting more than a passing mention at the multi-sports fest now on-going in Birmingham.

I cannot help contrasting the current BBC obsession with English medals to the way they tried to be ultra-British back in Glasgow in 2014. The wee souls cannae help themselves – imagine, to have once ruled so much of the world, but be so-insecure, you had to over-celebrate every minor triumph.

Mind you, win of the week has to be that wee Welsh lassie, Olivia Breen in the Para 100 metres. Truly heart-warming. I am still massively upset that we discerning gentlemen of an advanced age are again being denied the sight of the wonderful Sharron Davies' magnificent bosom, in a skimpy top, pool side at the swimming. This has long been a Commonwealth Games highlight.

But, the English fans need not think this is the start of a reign of success for “English Women's Football,” the money men at the top of the English women's club game will continue to take their lead from the associated men's teams. Sure, if English girls are good enough, they will get signed, but, they will prefer to raid the rest of the world to attempt to buy the best talent – regardless of nationality.

Mind you, this is no bad thing for Scots women, since, unlike the top flight of the English men's game, the English Women's Super League realises – we've got some very-good talent up here. Scots women will, as they always have, continue to strut their stuff in the top flight down there.

Now the Bigot Brothers have started a distaff pairing: perhaps “The Sectarian Sisters,” I fear, we might see the women's game up here go the way of the men's and become a two-horse race between a couple of clubs who, these days, are more selling platers than Group One contenders.

MEANWHILE, the Scottish League season got underway on Saturday, and already there are only two questions:

1. In which order will the Ugly Sisters finish at the top of the table?

2. Which club will be third?

That's Scottish fitba for you, plus ca change adnd all that. As I have been saying for years, until we get a proper CBA – a Collective Bargaining Agreement, which levels the playing field, alongside a return of Chich Young's “Eight diddies rule” and a cut in the number of senior clubs – Scottish fitba will continue to struggle. It's that simple.

WE HAVE already seen the first managerial casualty of the season, with Motherwell parting company with Graeme Alexander after they were turfged out of Europe by Sligo Rovers.

Now, this isn't the first instance of a Scottish club – or even Motherwell themselves – being embarrassed in Europe by a part-time team from a league we Scots look down on. I reckon too, it will not be the last.

For as long as the SFA and the clubs themselves continue to avoid reality and think we are better than we are, we will see such results. It used to be, the Scottish League XI could pretty-much select any 11 diddies and easily beat the League of Ireland XI – that's where Sligo play. These days, I reckon the games would be a lot closer.

Then, we had Rangers losing in Belgium – a welcome boost for fiction writers such as Jacko at the Daily Ranger, who can now speculate that GVB's jaiket might be on a shoogly peg.