IT IS an auld Scot's toast, one we learn at our grannie's knee: “Here's tae us, wha's like us? Damned few and they're awe deid.” Few phrases better sum-up the gallus confidence of “The greatest wee nation God ever put breath intae.” We make ourselves feel good about ourselves and Scotland with such “wisdom,” then we put down our glasses and allow a bunch of self-serving, mainly white, middle-to-upper-class English politicians, to whom we are a small, far-away nation of which they know little and care even less, make most of our important decisions. Aye, we are indeed the people.
For too long, well over 100 years, fitba has been a crucial crutch in Scotland's sense of self-worth. Sure, the game was developed and codified in the English public schools system. There, as with so-much of world sport, the English liking for order saw them write the rule book.
However, it wasn't until Association Football reached Scotland, and a bunch of enthusiasts on Glasgow's south side decided to modify the English style of individual dribbling, inventing the Scotch Passing Game, then took their style of play across the globe, that football became the global sport it is today.
Football may well be vying with people as Scotland's greatest export, but, as we approach the 150th anniversary of the founding of our governing body, The Scottish Football Association, all is clearly far from well in the land which gave the game form and substance.
If you were not already convinced of the wisdom of Private James Frazer, of the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard, when he repeatedly assured anyone who would listen: “Doomed, we're all doomed Ah tell ye,” or his equally frequent muttering of: “Rubbish!” then surely Thursday night's events in the Netherlands should have convinced you.
That AZ Alkmaar should overcome a one-goal first leg deficit to remove Dundee United from the season 2022-23 European Conference League will not be seen as a huge surprise. After all, in the UEFA standings of the continent's domestic leagues, the Dutch top league: The Eredivisie is ranked seventh, our own Premier Division is ranked ninth.
So, we shouldn't be surprised that the team lying third in that league should knock out the team lying ninth in the ninth-ranked European league. However, a seven-goal hiding is maybe rubbing-in Scotland's lower status a wee bit.
Disaster in Alkmaar, however, comes hard on the heels of Motherwell, one place above United in the Scottish standings, being dumped out of Europe by Sligo Rovers, who lie fifth in The League of Ireland, Europe's 40 ranked league.
OK, for at least the last 50 years-plus, the rise of Rinus Michaels, Ajax and Total Football, we have had to revise our formerly low opinion of Dutch football. After all, Jock Stein's great Celtic team under-estimating Feyenoord and blowing a European Cup final has long been a plook on the face of Scottish fitba. We take nothing for granted when we face a Dutch side.
But, since Queen Victoria was still on the throne, we have looked down on Paddy and the League of Ireland. Surely Sligo beating Motherwell is a wake-up call. Or is it? In recent years we have seen Scottish clubs struggle in Europe against clubs from leagues we look down on condescendingly – the Irish, Welsh, Finnish and Luxembourg Leagues, to name but a few.
Our ninth place in the UEFA Countries Co-efficient standings is, in truth, down to the exploits of just two clubs – Rangers, currently ranked 33 in Europe, and Celtic, currently ranked 51. In all, UEFA's clubs co-efficient table lists 433 clubs who have played in European competitions over the past five years,
Aside from the big two, the other Scottish clubs to figure are:
Aberdeen – 136: based on five campaigns
St Johnstone – 161: based on two campaigns
Hibernian – 162: based on two campaigns
Motherwell – 163: based on one campaign
Kilmarnock – 164: based on one campaign
Now, I will concede these figures appear to demonstrate the competitiveness of Scottish football. The Big Two compete at the sharp end, for the silver and gold medals, leaving the rest to squabble over the bronze, with the ones who best cope over a single season getting the minor European places the following season as a bonus.
Back in the early days of European football, in the 1960s and 1970s, provincial Scottish clubs such as Hibernian, Dundee, Aberdeen, Dunfermline Athletic, Dundee United and Kilmarnock were familiar names in the later rounds of the European competitions. These days, it's rare for the Diddy teams, as Chick Young calls them, to get over the first hurdle they face in Europe.
Researching this post, I happened upon a Wikipedia page: Scottish football clubs in international competitions. This page includes a table of Scotland's , or from a club in one of the UEFA Clubs Co-efficient since 2000.
Taking that year as the base line – the Scottish League was ranked 15th in Europe. Since then, it has ranked: 16 – 12 – 9 – 11 – 10 – 11 – 10 – 10 – 13 – 16 – 15 – 18 – 24 – 23 – 23 – 25 – 23 – 26 – 20 – 14 – 11 – 9.
On the face of it, Scotland is doing ok. We currently have our highest co-efficient this century, our standing has risen in each of the last four years – BUT – and it's such a pity there has to be a but, this has been the work of just two clubs, the rest are, rather than contributing, holding us back.
Worse, Scottish players are not contributing that much to the cause. Both Old Firm squads are awash with NSQs – that's players who are not qualified to play for Scotland. They come here on big-money contracts, they kiss the badge when they score, but, we know, and they know, a half-decent offer from an English Premiership, or even English Championship club, or a club in one of the bigger European leagues, and they will be gone.
The Old Firm duo are papering over the cracks. Scottish football is in a real mess.
Is anyone along the sixth floor corridor at Hampden, awake – aware of the danger – prepared to do something about it? If not, we might as well revive the ghost of John Laurie and make him President and Chief Executive, for we really will be:
“Doomed Ah tell ye – Doomed!!!”
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