We Briefly Played On Plastic

I FIND IT somewhat ironic that, no sooner has Terry Venables passed away than Scottish football decides to trash the memory of one of his finest achievements. In his football novel 'They Used To Play On Grass' Venables looked forward to a time when grass pitches were a thing of the past. In the upper reaches of The Beautiful Game, the top sides played on artificial surfaces.

They Used To Play On Grass - here-after referred to here as TUTPOG was published, by Hodder and Stoughton, in 1972; it was actually an Anglo-Scottish production, with Paisley-born writer Gordon Williams. Being the English half of the duo, Venables got the lion's share of the publicity, but, given he was named first on the cover of the book – and how he is now viewed as a serious and genuine Scottish writing talent – my money is on Williams being the brains behind the partnership.

Any way – it now looks as if We Briefly Played On Plastic might be the more-apt title, with this week's news that the great brains along Hampden's Sixth Floor Corridor of Power are seeking to ban artificial pitches in the top-flight in Scotland.

Mind you, when Williams and Venables wrote TUTPOG I suppose there was something to be said for playing on plastic, when you looked at the state of such pitches as that at Derby County's Baseball Ground. This was such a muck heap, it gave newly-ploughed fields a good name.

Fast forward 51 years however, and the pitches in the top leagues today are a world away from back then. Advances in agriculture, the use of hybrid pitches where natural grass and artificial turf are melded together have meant we now have much better and truer surfaces all year round.

We have even reached the era of interchangeable pitches. In the UK, the best-known of these is at Tottenham Hotspur's new stadium, where, for a mere £20 million-plus they have two swappable pitches, which split into three parts and tuck under the stadium's South Stand when not required.

In Scotland, the SRU, after massive problems with the surface at the National Stadium at Murrayfield, invested in a Grassmaster hybrid pitch, which has made it one of the best surfaces in the world.

So, while ripping-up and replacing the two plastic pitches among the current Premier League clubs – those at Kilmarnock and Livingston – will prove costly to the two clubs, reverting to grass is doable and will give the usual suspects one less reason to complain if they go there and lose.

But, what happens if one of the “Diddy Teams” currently playing on an artificial surface in one of the lower leagues, wins promotion to the top flight? Do the Premiership clubs let them in, or do they insist on the artificial surface being torn-up and replaced before that club is allowed promotion?

Could a “Diddy Team” afford to go up, or, might the pitch issue lead to us seeing a closed shop top flight, made-up entirely of clubs who could afford the necessary costs of having a good grass pitch?

Funnily enough, when I was a boy and a regular at Rugby Park, the pitch there was widely-regarded as the best in Scotland. OK, Kilmarnock does, to an extent, have its own micro-climate, I can recall some week-ends when every other ground in the West of Scotland was unplayable, but, we got games at Rugby Park.

[This reminds me of a classic Ally MacLeod story. The great man had been out of the game for a wee while, before getting the gig to manage Airdrie. Three weeks later they arrived at Rugby Park to play one of just three games to go on that weekend – the other two were in the bottom league.

Any way, post-match, Ally bounds upstairs to what was Walter McRae's office to meet the press; he walked in and opened with: “Look at that, I've only been back in football three weeks and I've attracted the biggest crowd in Scotland.”

One or two of the big-name football writers present, who had led the call for Ally to be executed on the main pitch at Hampden following Argentine 1978, were not best-pleased at that typical example of Ally being Ally.]

That was in the pre-Bobby Fleeting days, before that Chairman redeveloped Rugby Park. Back then it was an open bowl of a stadium, which helped to make it what it was. Back then, the groundsman was old-school, with a reputation as something of a miracle worker in the way be used the short close season to restore the pitch to pristine condition for the big kick-off in August.

Today, with towering stands on all four sides, the curator (to use the Australian name for groundsman) has a much more difficult task in keeping even a hybrid pitch up to standard.

So, we can assume, going back to natural surfaces will prove costly. At first, only two clubs may be involved in this expense. Will they receive financial help from the SFA or the SPFL? Then, what happens when other clubs find themselves promoted and requiring to invest in a grass pitch?

Some of the smaller clubs have deliberately gone for artificial pitches, to increase community use of their grounds – what happens here. We know some of the bigger clubs are purely commercial concerns, for whom it's all about cash coming in. What about those clubs who are still very-much a community asset?

But, most importantly, what will going back to grass do for that Glasgow-based daily newspaper's 'Hot Line' if, after their team has dropped points at Kilmarnock or Livingston, Sean, Liam and Tim, or Billy, Mason and Kyle cannot call-in, moaning: “See them plastic pitches, s'nofair neether it is, youse cannae expect guid players tae play oan them; shoodnae be allowed.”

LONG AND BITTER EXPERIENCE has taught me to NOT get carried away when previewing Scotland's chances in either of the major final tournaments. However, when I look at our opponents in Group A of the 2024 European Championships – Germany, Hungary and Switzerland - I think we have a reasonable chance of making it through to the knock-out stages.

FINALLY – I noticed on the BBC Sport Scotland web page, the Auntie team, forever chasing the Big Two, were asking what Phillipe Clement can do about his Todd Cantwell problem.

Clement didn't buy Cantwell, a player who has, in his time at Ibrox proved conclusively – he is not and never has been Rangers Class. The best bet for the Manager might be to tell Cantwell's agent (in colloquial Weegie): “Yer boay's a fanny, Ah'll no be pickin' him again, so, get him a new club ASAP,” and write him off as bad business.

But, if he does decide to keep an under-performing player who is nowhere near as good as the player thinks himself to be, he could take a wee lesson from Rugby Union.

Some years ago a Scottish international prop forward was sent down to a club side, to bolster their squad for their games in the British & Irish Cup. The player clearly felt slighted by this and in his first game, he barely went through the motions.

The club's Director of Rugby, himself an International-class prop in his playing days, then had a word with a former Scotland prop, who was then a High Heid Yin at Murrayfield. The two gnarled old props got the player into a dressing room and had a serious word with him.

Thereafter he was Man-of-the-Match in his next game. So, maybe Clement should invite the likes of John Greig and John Brown to call round to Ibrox and have a serious word with Cantwell.