Sporting Integrity v Financial Considerations

WEE Michael Johnson, the Kilmarnock Chairman hit the nail on the head this week, when he described the SPL's dilemna over whether or not to allow any "newco" Rangers straight into their league in the terms I have used as this post heading. Dundee United boss Peter Houston has already predicted losing the Rangers income stream will cost his club £600,000 per year - it's almost as if the ground is being prepared to keep Rangers in the tent - because they are "too big" to be allowed to fail.

It's all pish, of course, under the rules, if Rangers are liquidated - and that is still the most-likely outcome to their current deep crisis - then any "New Rangers" which emerges from the rubble should have to apply for membership of the Scottish Football League, have that application succeed, then fight their way up from Division Three to the SPL. How the SPL fills the vacancy in the short term is their business; they could keep Dunfermline Athletic in their league, they might promote Dundee - indeed, given that Dundee has potentially a bigger fan base than the Pars, that was the likelier outcome to this hypothesis, even before John Yorston was interviewed for today's Scotland on Sunday.

But, as we all know, the SPL is all about pigs having their snouts in the trough and, while all pigs are equal, two pigs are bigger than all the rest and have to be kept sweet. The SPL has long been described as: "The Greed is Good League", I can see financial considerations winning and to Hell with fair play and integrity.

Cyber-warrior Celts have been particularly insistent on Rangers receiving the maximum punishment, a stance which, for all the club hierarchy will bluster, deflect and deny, is diametrically opposite that of the money and management men inside Celtic Park. If the SPL needs Rangers, newco or oldco, none of the 11 clubs needs them more than Celtic.

With Rangers, the Old Firm can stand together against demands for financial fair play, they can continue to enjoy the largest slices of the cake. Without Rangers, Celtic will be the 1 in a 1-11 vote to change the way the cash is doled out; but, as I've said before, it all comes down to 11 men suddenly growing a pair before Monday.

IN YESTERDAY's (Glasgow) Herald, there was a piece, by a specialist business reporter, on the possible ramifications of the Miller Plan for Rangers' rescue; in today's Scotland on Sunday, the Vice-Dean of Strathclyde University Business School has a piece on Bill Miller and his business modus operandi. And it's good to see the respective Sports Desks finally summoning-up specialists.

The BIG question remains: Why is an American self-made millionaire, with no prior history of getting involved in football and no discernible Scottish ancestry getting involved in Rangers? But, if we leave that to one side, as the SOS article explains: Miller's method of turning around ailing companies - in which he has an impressive track record, would seem to make him an ideal new owner.

However, his method of working will be bad news for Alastair McCoist. Coisty is, as we all know, primarily a Rangers fan; but, let's be honest here, his managerial track record isn't great and, in particular, there is no evidence of him being the sort of manager (or more-properly) coach, who looks likely to achieve success with a team of kids.

We are also aware of the Alan Hansen doctrine: "You win nothing with kids" - this, in common with a lot of the smooth pundit's pronouncements, is bullshit. Kenny McDowall has some kind of track record of success with young players, so he will, IF Rangers do have to go down the road of playing-on with a very young squad, become a key member of the management team.

If we assume Miller wins control, the signing ban remains in place and Rangers have to carry-on with a young squad, a scenario which would fit nicely into Miller's cut costs first modus operandi, then I don't see McCoist being there. I may be wrong, his loyalty to Rangers might keep him there, but, if it does, he will be taking on the biggest challenge of his life.

I should say here, if Miller wins control and insists on pruning the overheads and cutting costs drastically, the back to SFL Division Three option makes even more sense. By the time Rangers had fought their way back to the SPL, the kids would have grown-up together and be a formidable squad, used to winning.

THERE is another good reason for relegating Rangers - it might, just might, help cut-out the cancer of sectarianism from Scottish football. Let me say, right here, sectarianism is not and never has been, a soley-Rangers problem. It is a Scottish problem and has been for longer than we have had organised football in this country.

I honestly believe we will never cure it - because it mainly stems from the home - but, we could make a start by doing away with separate schools. However, that will demand the political will and that is nowhere to be seen, so, we are stuck with it.

But, I have a feeling, just maybe the hard core of Rangers bigots might not be so-willing to come across on the ferries from Ulster to watch a bunch of kids taking-on Annan Athletic, or Elgin City, or East Stirlingshire, than they currently are to watch Rangers v Kilmarnock, St Mirren or St Johnstone. Cumnock, Kilwinning Rangers, Larkhall Thistle, even East Kilbride Thistle and Cumbernauld United might find their crowds rising as Ra Peepul melt away.

Of course, that will still leave the Celtic bigots to be dealt with, but, I have a feeling, should the expected Celtic cruise to victory after victory, by rolling-over the rest, come to pass - repeated success might not sit too easily on a support who revel in being the underdogs.

This, however, is just conjecture - something we will have plenty of time for as the lengthy process of allowing Miller's preferred bidder status to proceed. I have a feeling, once he actually starts looking at the books, and discovers the toxic atmosphere into which he is descending, Miller might decide, this is one wreck he will not tow away for repair.

A Good Day To Bury Bad News

I CANNOT remember who came up with the quote in relation to government announcements; or the details of how it came out, and, to tell the truth: I am not too-bothered; but, cynic that I am - this weekend, Bank Holiday, FA Cup Final being played - I thought it might be a good one on which HMRC might sneak-out the result of what is known as "The Big Tax Case" - the result of the First Tier Tribunal into Rangers FC's use (misuse) of EBTs (Employee Benefit Trusts).

I went onto the HMRC website, I used the site search engine, typing in everything I could think of - nothing, zilch, zero, nul point. Of course, the weekend aint over, there is still time - but, I fear we must wait a wee while yet. Also, given the hectares of Scandinavian forest to have been felled to produce the newsprint, the electricity generated to feed the computer frenzy, the micro-chips which have been filled-up by the massive interest in this case, I'd have thought, somewhere on the site, I would have got a positive hit. But, no, maybe Rangers, Scotland and the alleged £75 million owed isn't that big a deal in the world of HMRC. Maybe that 10,000 lb gorilla is actually a somewhat smaller member of the ape family.

I STILL cannot see what attraction there is for Bill Miller in buying Rangers. It's not as if he has proven Scottish antecedants, perhaps a grand-father who used to tellhim stories of Davie Meiklejohn, Alan Morton, Bob McPhail and the like, and how, back home in Glasgow in the old days, he worshipped weekly at Ibrox.

Sure, there is his former involvement in abortive deals to buy into Tranmere Rovers and Sheffield Wednesday. I can only speculate that some American accountant has, at some point in time, suggested that a fast buck can be made in English/British soccer and Miller has thought this a jolly jape.

If this is the case, once he starts due diligance, I can see his enthusiasm waning. Rangers FC is currently, a fairly toxic brand. I remain to be convinced.

Duff & Phelps is a major player in American corporate finance, I dare say the acres of bad publicity which their administration of Rangers has produced for the firm, the bad-mouthing their hapless employees inside Ibrox have been subjected too, would have been commented upon in US financial circles. The Yanks love to be loved and not much love has gone their way from Ra Peepul. I feel Rangers is seen as a poisoned chalice Stateside, which again makes Miller's enthusiasm seem strange.

Of course, nothing about this whole Rangers thing has added up, since David Murray sold the club for £1.

I can still see it all ending in tears.

AS I remarked above, today is FA Cup Final day; a full-house Wembley, Chelsea v Liverpool, but, a tea time kick off - thereby proving beyond all doubt, that the FA has finally lost its marbles.

Up here in Jockland, the main interest in the Scottish Cup is in if the Bigot Brothers can manage to fail to get to the final. More often than not, one of them manages to lose out, but, in recent years, they don't too often both fail to make it to Hampden for the big day.

There isn't the uncertainty up here that you get in England, mainly because, a greater percentage of English clubs have a genuine chance of making it to Wembley - the FA Cup has always been the better competition.

The first FA Cup Final I can remember was the 1953 one, "The Matthews Match", when, aged 38 the future Sir Stanley Matthews made it third time lucky, inspiring Blackpool to a 4-3 win over Bolton. This match was shown live across Great Britain. I watched a wee bit of the early action with the adults on next door's TV - my father had still to be convinced of TV's merits and it would be another year before we got our own set.

I went out to play for a wee while, but was back to see that wonderful last-minute winner, when Matthews' low cross was turned in by South African Bill Perry. Instantly, I was a Blackpool fan.

The following year, Tom Finney had a rare off-day and couldn't match Matthews as a cup-winner, then, in 1955, we had the first live screening of the Scottish Cup Final and another great last-minute goal: Archie Robertson's equaliser, direct from a corner, which forced Celtic to a midweek replay, which they lost.

Of course, it took some years before the football authorities in Scotland caved-in to live screenings and I can remember my Dad and I used to make an annual trek up to our home village of Muirkirk, where, because of some fluke of elevation and the way the hills divided, it was possible to watch the FA Cup Final live, on BBC Ulster.

With oor ain Bill Shankly in-charge at Liverpool, Muirkirk was a Liverpool-supporting enclave, so these Saturday afternoon, watching the game at my Auntie Nessie's or my Auntie Mary's - her husband, Uncle Hugh, had played alongside Shanks for Glenbuck Cherrypickers, were a memorable part of growing-up.

Today, I suppose the English nation will still watch the game in numbers, but these will be down from the glory days and this will prove, football and TV has never been a match made in heaven. I'm not-too-bothered about the outcome in all honesty - I cannot decide whom I dislike more, John Terry or the greetin-faced wee ynaff who used to be, in another life, King Kenny.

I AM starting to get a wee bit worried for Auchinleck Talbot; but, long-term acquaintances need not worry, I am seeking help for this unusual ailment.

The 'Bot are again in the Junior Cup Final, seeking to stretch their record number of wins in the competition to ten. They will meet Shotts Bon Accord, at Livingston, on 27 May.

Now Almondvale has never been my favourite ground. It's one of these new-fangled Lego stadia; the press seats are horrible, tight, tinny and nasty; the sight-lines are poor, but, not being totally-negative, there will be a near full-house, so the atmosphere ought to be brilliant.

Shotts are in the First Division of the West Superleague and so far behind in their league campaign, with only half their fixtures played, they are in the relegation zone. So, on-paper, Talbot only have to turn up to win and that worries me.

Talbot are, as usual, facing an end of season fixture backlog, two or three games per week from now until early June. They know how to deal with this, however. But, Shotts are in the same boat, having to play catch-up - I don't think they are as equipped to do this as the 'Bot, however, it's over-confidence in his own squad rather than Bon Accord brilliance which is Talbot boss Tommy Sloan's biggest obstacle.

Also, having covered all but the first of Talbot's so-far nine Junior Cup wins, I can recall, the biggest fright Willie Knox's wonderful squad ever had was in a West of Scotland Cup semi-final at Rugby Park, when Tam MacDonald scored the winner so late in extra time, there was no time left for their opponents to re-centre the ball.

Those opponents were Shotts Bon Accord - a Talbot win on 27 May is far from a given.

A Cause - Or A Product

WHEN, back in 1872, the "Gallant Pioneers" pulled their rowing boats out of the Clyde and decided to ditch their oars in favour of kicking a ball about for the club they called 'Rangers FC' they had I am sure, no idea what they were starting.

They sought, perhaps, a healthy, less-arduous means of burning-off their excess energy and this new-fangled association football seemed to fit their bill. Within 25 years or so this club, which was governed by its members, who all more-or-less sought the same things from their membership, had become a business - Rangers Football Club Limited - and things began to change.

The players didn't have to be admitted to membership, they didn't have a say in the governance of the club, that was now down to the businessmen who had bought shares. No longer were decisions taken by a committee, to which members had to be elected by their peers; now money talked and it was possible for people who had never kicked a ball in their lives, far less served the club, to run things. Enter professionalism, and the players became wage slaves, to be hired or fired at the whim of the board, just as happened in real life.

Just over 100 years ago, Rangers FC, the Saturday diversion from the weekday drag of earning a living, became another product. Across the city, the same thing was happening to Celtic FC - the football club which had been started for the most-altruistic of reasons, to provide meals and charity for the desperately poor, hard-pressed, mainly Catholic poor of the East End.

For more than the last century, therefore, the greater part of the existence of both clubs, those original reasons d'etre have become secondary to the pursuit of money - the trophies, the honours and successes may be the driving force for the supporters, but, to the men in power - the Bill Struths and Willie Maleys, the John Lawrences, the Whites, Kellys, Farrells and Devlins - it was mainly about money.

To give credit to Celtic, the guys who have guided that club's destiny have always been able to maintain something of the crusader's spirit - there has always been a sense of "cause" about Celtic.

Perhaps taking advantage of the politics of the time, maybe because they saw a means of making money - perhaps because somebody in a position of power at Ibrox actually believed in it - Rangers did, for some 70-years, have a cause of their own - Protestant supremacy.

Celtic have always been a "Catholic" club - but, it has never been exclusively Catholic. Stein, Gemmell, Evans, McGrain, Dalglish, Larsson, not a Catholic among them.

Rangers, when they went down the route of "Nae Papes" in the 1920s, perhaps sought to replicate the togetherness of the Celtic Family. History has to conclude, they failed. If supporting Celtic was and still is, for many, an act of faith; following Rangers was and to some still is, a far-less-honourable trait.

It is interesting to reflect on more-recent history. The Rangers NPs model began to falter under the intense pressure of Celtic's golden age under Stein. At around the same time that club fell under the "third generation" rule (1st generation makes the break-through, 2nd generation expands it, 3rd loses the fortune) - the club had flourished under John Lawrence, by the time Lawrence Marlborough, JL's grandson took charge, the drive had gone - it was ripe for take-over: enter David Murray.

When the history of the decline and fall of Rangers is written, Murray will get pelters. His management model has failed utterly, leaving chaos in its wake. But, he must, even by the Celtic Family, be given credit for ending the NP rule at Ibrox - pity about the rest.

Shortly after Murray entered the equation, Celtic too fell foul of the "third generation" rule - the Kellys then at the top were not the equal of James and Sir Robert; keeping the "four families" in situ as the Guardians of the Flame had become more-important seemingly than giving the wider Celtic Family something to be proud of.

Enter a wee Scots-Canadian in a bunnet. He took tremendous flak at the time, but he was single-minded, he did what he said on the tin and, when his time comes, if the Celtic Family does not erect a statue to Fergus McCann outside Celtic Park, then it will be a major scandal.

Fergus did his thing, turned the club around and departed, unlike Murray he chose not to out-stay his welcome.

Today, Rangers await the probably arrival of another trans-Atlantic "saviour", tow truck tycoon Bill Miller. The jury is still out on him, and will be for a wee while.

Today, the discussion threads on various newspapers are full of rampant "whitabootery" as the website warriors from both sides echange pleasantries. The big subject is the status of the "newco" Rangers which Miller is suggesting as his vehicle for clearing-up the wreckage of the Murray mis-management and the Whyte whoppers.

Whatever happens, however, IF a Rangers FC emerges from the turmoil to continue playing, it will still be Rangers FC.

Some, mostly from the Celtic Family, will insist it is not Rangers. Well, think on this - HM the Queen is the 17th monarch of the United Kingdom since 1603, she is also the 40th monarch of England since 1066 (not counting the uncrowned claimants such as Empress Matilda and Lady Jane Gray).

The monarchial timeline was broken after King Stephen (of England's) death in 1141 and again following Queen Anne's death in 1704 - then there were the various "family disputes" such as the Wars of the Roses, but, while she cannot produce a direct line of succession going right back to William the Conqueror, nobody disputes that Elizabeth Windsor is The Queen.

So, while some of the Celtic family might cast doubts about the validity, the Rangers FC which Bill Miller or whoever will (perhaps) lead into next season's SPL campaign will be Rangers.

Rolls Royce Cars began in 1904, owned by Messrs Rolls and Royce - since then the company has been - nationalised, de-nationalised and owned by Vickers and is currently owned by Volkswagen, who actually make Bentleys - Rolls Royces are made by BMW. Minis were made by BMC, then British Leyland and today by BMW. Jaguars are now made by an Indian company, rather than Sir William Lyons, who made the first Jaguars.

Aston Martin has had various owners, ditto Land Rover, and so on right across all sectors of business and commerce.

It will not matter, whether Bill Miller owns the club; if Craig Whyte, somehow emerges as the owner or if some as yet unknown Rangers fan scoops a massive Euromillions win and buys it - the Rangers brand, tainted or otherwise, will survive.

For Rangers, unlike Celtic, ceased to be a cause and became a product; and, for as long as products are competitive and someone wants to buy them and thereby keep profits accruing, that product will survive.

Celtic too will survive - since that is both a product and a cause - so we will not run out of things to write about for a long time to come.

Big Hoos Rescue - Continued

I AM not a big fan of reality television. Big Brother, I had one and never understood him, so events inside that house left me cold. X Factor, Britain's Got Talent - where? Strictly, on ice - leave it out. Moving home - STRESS. Cookery programmes - there is but one Goddess and Delia is her name.

It's the same with make-overs, although, I have a sneaking respect for that scary wee wummin who would march in and rescue delapidated country houses; perhaps because there is one near me which I would love to get my hands on, once my still-in-production bonkbuster novel lands me the big Hollywood advance.

Whenever a country house has come-up for rescue, there has usually been some elderly scion of the family who has attended the Ian Paisley School of Political Debate: "No, no and thrice no" to any sensible suggestions for changes which look likely to restore the family and house's fortunes.

Now the good doctor and his cohorts might indeed have not surrendered, but, they still reached a sort of accommodation with Martin McGuinness & Co.

For Dr Paisley, in the on-going Rangers saga, read the Blue Knights, the Blue Order and for all I know, the Blues Brothers. I reckon they want one thing and cannot see past this, which is to be told: "Go forth sinner and sin ye no more", carrying on as before - without even the inconvenience of ten Hail Marys and five Our Fathers, which Celtic might have expected for the same class of misdemeanours.

Ra Peepul wish to continue being Ra Peepul, the biggest, strongest, loudest and most-annoying beasts in the Scottish Football jungle. I am utterly convinced, had the Blue Knights won, they would have continued down the failed and discredited path already trod by Sir David Murray.

That, as I keep reminding Sports Editors who would rather forget, is the path to destruction for Scottish Basketball and so-nearly for Scottish Football.

I have reservations concerning Bill Miller. I firmly believe a lot more of the smelly stuff has still to emerge from Rangers travails - not least the fact that wee Whytey still owns the club, the ground and thr training ground: he still wants a more-than-fair wedge for all the smelly stuff he has brought on himself: Celtic, who seem to be pulling the levers around Hampden these days, want their bigger rivals if not totally crushed, then at the very least rendered impotent in the short term, while some of the lesser clubs are relishing the chance to put the boot in.

As I see it, the only way to take Whyte out of the equation is to liquidate the club. Were HMRC to win the BTC and to have that announcement made prior to Miller turning his 'preferred bidder' status into that of 'owner', then, liquidation becomes even more likely.

This game aint over. Miller, being an American, is surely au fait with the trans-Atlantic concept of triple overtime in basketball, or extra innings in baseball. That's where we now are with Rangers, and the whole thing could yet come down to penalties.

That said, Miller's modus: pay-off the debt gradually, cut the club's cloth better and live within means is the only sensible option. I wish him well, but warn him - his biggest bother will be persuading everyone around the club to buy into this. Wedded as Rangers men are to spend, spend, spend, this will not be easy.

Still, if Dr Paisley could sit down with Martin McGuinness and Gerry Adams and help turn-around Northern Ireland, perhaps Ra Peepul will buy into self-sufficiency and living within a budget - and the Big Hoose can flourish again.

It's Miller Time - Or Is It?

SO, it's Miller time - well pardon me for not holding my breath. The last Bill Miller I can recall having an association with Rangers was a Cumnock Academy contemporary, who was signed whilst still at school - at the same time as Academy team mate Tommy Donnelly (Simon's dad).

Big Bill, then a pe student at Jordanhill College, scored for fun in the reserves; in season 1966-67, garnering some 40-plus goals, at a time when Rangers' first team famously had an inside forward trio (numbers 8, 9 and 10 for the benefit of the younger readers), all of whom were actually half backs (numbers 4, 5 and 6 in old money).

There were calls for this young laddie Miller to be given a run in the first team, but, it never happened; allegedly because he turned up at the annual Rangers dance with his girl friend - whom he went on to marry - who had, in the Glasgow parlance "gone to the wrong school" - ie, she was a Roman Catholic.

To be fair to Bill, he, to this day, insists he simply wasn't good enough and he went on to have a long and relatively-successful career with Kilmarnock and with home town team Cumnock Juniors.

But,the fact is, that Bill Miller didn't cut the mustard with Rangers, and from what I've read so far about the 21st century, American version, he will not do either. He has unsuccessfully tried to buy into both Tranmere Rovers and Sheffield Wednesday. Pardon me for being cynical, but, if you cannot buy Poundstretcher or Spar, what makes you think you can buy Tesco?

Apparently this Bill Miller's scheme is to keep the good stuff - Ibrox, Murray Park, the players, the strip and history in a new "corporate wrapper", while hiving-off the toxic stuff - Craig Whyte, the debts, the accusations of "cheating" and the Big Tax Case - into another company, to be dealt with over a few years.

I know nothing about high finance, so I have to assume what he is suggesting is legal; it will certainly not find universal approval, but, if it avoids liquidation, good luck to him. Of course, if the Miller plan works we will henceforth have two versions of history - the Rangers' and Celtic ones.

I still think, if he really wants to make money out of Rangers, he should wait for liquidation, then buy Ibrox, Murray Park, the strip and name - plus a struggling English club and move the lot into Ibrox.

Should, however, he successfully keep Rangers in the SPL, I can see the transfer ban lifted - after all, the other chairmen having demonstrated their lack of cojones and Celtic having been saved from down-sizing (you think they could maintain the current level of financial unfair play in favour of the Old Firm without Rangers?). The rest of Scottish football will have shown that, even after all their years of mis-management, Rangers are still THE PEOPLE.

If Rangers avoid liquidation, then it will soon be a case of the same-old, same-old, and Scottish football will continue to stagnate and struggle.



Boring, Boring, Boring

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY - BY ENDING THIS WHOLE, APPARENTLY ENDLESS, RANGERS THING - IT HAS NOW BECOME BORING BEYOND THE BOUNDS OF BOREDOM; THE WHITABOOTERY GROWS EVER MORE RAMPANT BY THE WEEK AND, SINCE THE TEARS MUST END AT SOME POINT, WHY NOT NOW? I'm bored.

 

 

 

RIGHT, now I have stopped shouting, what is there to talk about. Football is supposed to be about 22 men kicking a ball about not a bunch of businessmen trying to make a ast buck. This is May Day, we ought to be getting excited about our teams perhaps winning a eague or a cup, or, if we are fans of the also-rans, dreaming of better days to come next season - not speculating on the actions of the speculators.

 

I am pleased to see Ross County celebrating their promotion to the SPL. Funny how so-many teams from south of the Highland Line have, for the past century or so concentrated their efforts on remaining in the senior game, showed no other ambition than to survive, and dreamed of the occasional cup draw against either/or, aka the Old Firm, to keep themselves going for another season or so. The Staggies, like the amalgamated newco across the Kessock Bridge simply came into the league and set about getting as far up it as possible.

 

It has taken them 18 seasons, but, County have reached the Promised Land, which may well be a bit short on the milk and honey these days. But, well done to them, let's hope they enjoy the top flight experience.

 

But, for every winner there has to be a loser and I'm a wee bit gutted for Queen of the South and their wonderful character of a  Chairman, Davie Rae, now they have been relegated to the SFL's Second Division.

 

This almost-certainly means the end of full-time football at Palmerston (no bad thing if you ask me). No longer will the central belt professionals train in Glasgow during the week, only going "doon hame" every second Saturday. Relegation probably means the end for Angus MacPherson as manager and I would not be surprised if the cash-strapped Queens re-trenched as a local side again, with "El Galactico" Jim Thompson, as manager.

 

Sadly, it looks as if Dumfriesshire Derbies between Queens and Annan will not be on the SFL Division Two schedule next season.

 

I've covered a lot of games from Palmerston, where the Staedtler and Waldorf of Scottish Football, that's Bert Houston and John Burgoyne, preside over the friendliest press box in the land and where the dj has a quite unique play list, covering everything from the Top Ten to classic jazz. Happy Days.

 

 

 

I SEE the thinkers amongst the English football press now see the English Premiership crown as more-likely to land at Eastlands than Old Trafford. The big silver cup will end-up in Manchester (again), but, I still have a sneaking feeling Ol' Red Nose will have the last laugh (yet again).

 

I mean, these same guys who are now looking to crown City, were telling us not so long ago that 'Arry was a shoo-in for the England job.

 

 

 

GRAND-DAUGHTER, (14 going on 34) was down in the village with here pals last week; this is a rarity, between ballet and tap classes, athletics training, horse-riding and pedigree dog-handling at various shows, she doesn't have much free time for clothes, make-up, silly giggling and flirting with lustful teenaged boys.

 

Any way, on the night in question, the teen-aged temptresses found themselves inside our wee fitba park - the San Giro - for a midweek junior gemme.

 

"Papa, there were a lot of scary people there, doing daft things" she reported.

 

And we think the Old Firm have all the nutters.

When The Bunnets Were Flying

FIFTY years ago today, the Bunnets o' Bonnie Dundee were truly flying, and rightly so. For the 'Dee won the club's first and thus-far only Scottish League title; doing it in style too, by beating and relegating St Johnstone - then, with Dundee United only just emerging into the big time - their deadliest rivals, on their own Muirton Park.

No wonder tonight: Pat Liney, Bobby Seith, Ian Ure, Bobby Wishart, Alan Gilzean and Alan Cousin, the six survivors of that great team, plus fringe players such as a then callow youth named Craig Brown will assemble in the Caird Hall for a night of celebration.

The toast to "Absent Friends" will re-call Alex Hamilton, skipper Bobby Cox, Gordon Smith, Andy Penman and "Louie" Robertson - the five others who, with manager Bob Shankly will be looking down from the great pavilion in the sky. Liney; Hamilton and Cox, Seith, Ure and Wishart; Smith, Penman, Cousin, Gilzean and Robertson - now there was a team.

The following season, Bert Slater displaced Liney in goal and they marched on to reach the European Cup semi-final. Of course - "It will never happen again"; "It couldn't be done today"; "Different times".

Aye right. Times are different, but to say it couldn't be done today and will never happen again is to adapt the Scottish cringe. Aye well, we're Scottish, good things dinnae happen to us.

RUBBISH.

Of that wonderful Dundee XI - rated by many as the best team, in purely footballing terms, in Scotland since WWII , Ure got into the Scotland squad, discovered what other internationalists were earning in the south and wanted his share, Gilzean ditto. Penman went to Rangers, even manager Shankly fell-out with his directors and moved on to what he saw as a better gig elsewhere. Players have always moved for what they see as better deals - Ure and Gilzean didn't need agents to tell them their talents would be better-rewarded in North London, at Arsenal and Tottenham respectively.

Sure, with the Bosman ruling and the presence of agents, it is easier today for a player to cash-in on his abilities; a modern-day Gilzean wouldn't have to, as big Alan did, effectively go on strike to get the move he wanted. But, now as then, money talked and the big clubs will always go after what they perceive to be the best talent they can afford.

The fact that so little of that sought-after talent is Scottish isn't the fault of the players - rather of the clubs, who don't push them to make the best of wha they've got, and of a system which promotes "hammer throwing" above footballing ability.

Dundee can rise again; Kilmarnock can replicate their 1964-65 title win. Hibs and Hearts and Aberdeen have not won their final Scottish title. And, I believe their day is coming, soon.

From the end of World War II until the spring of 1965, when Jock Stein returned to Celtic, the honours in Scottish football were spread around more-fairly than at any time before or since. In those 19 seasons (1946-47 to 1964-65) Rangers won the League in 1947, 49, 50, 53, 56, 57, 59, 61, 63 and 64; to these ten titles, they added eight Scottish Cup wins: in 1948, 49, 50, 53, 60, 62, 63 and 64 and five League Cup wins: in 1947, 49, 61, 62 and 64 - 23 of the available 56 national trophies.

Celtic in the same period lifted the League title just once: in 1953-54; they enjoyed a mere three Scottish Cup victories in that time: in 1951, 54 and Stein's first success with the club in 1965, whilst their League Cup wins in seasons 1956-57and their 7-1 win the following season were their only two successes in that competition in that time - one win less than East Fife achieved in the same period.

Aberdeen won the League in 1955, the Cup in 1947 and the League Cup in 1955-56. Hearts were League Champions in 1958 and again in 1960; they won the Cup in 1956 and the League Cup in 1954-55, 1958-59, 1959-60 and 1962-63; Hibs were League Champions in 1948, 1951 and 1952; Kilmarnock won the League (beating Hearts in a virtual last-day decider) in 1964-65; Clyde won the Cup in 1955 and again in 1958; St Mirren lifted that trophy in 1959, Dunfermline Athletic took it in 1961; Motherwell won it in 1952, having taken the League Cup the previous season, while Dundee, in addition to that 1962 League title, had won the League Cup in 1951-52 and successfully defended it the following season; Falkirk won the Cup in 1957.

So, the trophy split - 29 to the Old Firm, 27 to the Rest in those 19 seasons looks an awfully lot better than the 35 Old Firm wins - 6 to the Rest, which will be the score at the end of the season for the period since the SPL started.

Of course, back then the playing field was a good deal flatter. Celtic were being hobbled by mis-management, the clubs shared their gates - so the massive Old Firm following wasn't the 12th man it now is to the two clubs. For most of that period, most players were actually better-off as part-timers with Kilmarnock, or St Mirren or Motherwell - augmenting their Monday-to-Friday wages with what they earned through appearance money and bonuses on a Saturday than they would have been under the strict £20 maximum wage as full-timers in England. There was virtually no TV money.

But, the Rest could and did compete with the Old Firm.

Even if Rangers can cobble together a CVA and carry-on, they will be severely-handicapped for two or three seasons. But, if the club is liquidated and a Newco has to start outside the SPL - and if I was setting-up a Rangers Newco I would first of all see if I could get onto the English Pyramid, then failing that, start in Division Three of the SFL - then the Rest will have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to bring greater equality to the SPL.

Without Rangers, Celtic are vulnerable to a call for greater fairness, an end to the 11-1 voting regulation whereby, so-long as (and they continually will) the Old Firm vote together on all major matters, they effectively control  the League.

With a fairer share of the money and only one half of the Old Firm to worry about - the Rest can return to the better days of the 1946-1965 period. The question is: have they the cojones to go for it?