The Shortest Of Honeymoons

'TIS IN SOME WAYS a great pity the late Frankie Howerd wasnae Scottish – the sight of dear old Francis coming on TV and declaring: “Woe, woe and thrice woe” rather sums-up the mood of the Tartan Army this morning, following our capitulation to the Swiss, then the way we collapsed like a leaking bouncy castle against the Slovenians at Hampden.

When, in the eighth minute of the game, the referee had his conversation with VAR and decided Jack Hendry's night was over, I knew, we were fucked. Against a nation ranked 30 places above us (13^th to our 43^rd) we were going to struggle to get a draw, far-less avoid defeat. The thing is, you would not, given the difference in rankings – the Swiss after all did reach the last eight of the last World Cup and have, in recent seasons, become serial qualifiers for the bigger shows – have backed a full-strength Scotland team, even at Hampden, to have beaten them – or, in spite of generations of evidence to the contrary, does the average member of the Tartan Army's PBI still think: “We're Scotland – we're good at this fitba lark.”

I am loath to criticise the squad who were on duty over this International Break. Of course, they themselves will be their harshest critics; they will feel they let themselves and Scotland down. OK, they beat North Macedonia, as expected but, overall, they lost twice to a better team on the night – that's a simple fact we have to accept.

Already, some of the Fans With Lap Tops are having a go at new Head Coach Sebastian Pocognoli, since under his command that old Scottish problem, a failure to score goals has continued. I canot blame the Belgian for the fact, we don't have an international-class striker in our midst. Even a man down, in the first half at least, we created chances. Yes, we fell away badly after the turn-round, but, better Scotland squads than this one have had bad nights in the Hampden office.

I am starting to feel, perhaps Pocognoli will suffer in the same way as Berti Vogts did when he got the Scotland job. Vogts inherited a squad which included several key players at or past the end of their international shelf life, needing refreshment but with a system which did not allow for the necessary change.

For as long as our major (and minor) clubs find it easier and more-convenient to import third and fourth-rate non Scots to fill their first-team slots, leaving young Scottish players on the fringes, we will struggle at international level. Mind you, even if they were to go down the road of exposing young home-reared talent to first-team play, given the huge divergence between pay in the Scottish top flight and in the English Football League – far less their Premier League, these youngsters would be hoovered up and off down the high road to England before they had even completed their football apprenticeship.

Barney Ronay of The Guardian, in a typically over the top English report on that nation's 3-0 defeat of Czechia on Tuesday night, claimed that in taking his England tally to 90 goals in 125 games, an impressive average of 0.72 goals per game, 'Arry was scoring international goals at an average no player had ever achieved before.

Aye Right!! Hughie Gallacher's 24 goals in 20 internationals – 1.2 goals per game, leaves Kane half a goal per game behind the great Wembley Wizard. (Of course, to the likes of young Ronay – football didn't exist prior to the establishment of the English Premiership).

OK, football in the 1920s and 1930s, when the likes of Gallacher and Jimmy McGrory (1.04 gpg at club level: 0.86 gpg at international level) was a very-different game from today. But, on the other hand, you have to wonder how Kane might have coped with the pitches, balls and equipment of those days.

What Scotland would give for a striker as prolific as Kane these days, but, to be honest, we have struggled to put the ball in the net at international level since the end of World War II.

In terms of length of international career and goals per game scored, Hibs' legend Lawrie Reilly is probably our top scorer in the post WWII period. Lawrie scored 22 goals in 38 games (0.58 gpg).

Denis Law – our joint record international goal-scorer, managed 30 goals in 55 games (0.54 gpg) while Ally McCoist, arguably our best pure striker since Law, only managed 19 goals in 61 internationals (0.3 gpg), although his overall career scoring rate does exceed the 0.5 gpg which has long been considered the benchmark for an international-class striker.

Kris Boyd, arguably our best penalty box predator since McCoist, may have scored over 300 goals in his career, but, at an overall average of 0.44 gpg, while his international record (7 goals in 18 caps) gives him only a 0.39 gpg average.

A lack of scoring ability up front is not a problem I can see our new Head Coach answering any time soon, particularly if Scottish players continue to struggle for playing time in even a league as average as our top flight, far-less in England's top flight, or one of the elite continental leagues.

I see dark days ahead for the Tartan Army – their new Belgian CO has had a very short honeymoon.