THERE are several time-honoured traditions in Scottish Football; today I wish to comment on just two of these. The first is a particularly Ayrshire one: the "Village Idiot" getting a seat on the local junior club committee. (For a time, Cumnock Juniors took this to extremes - the VI got to be President, this practice they have now discontinued) is one.
The second tradition has it that on certain Scottish mainstream newspapers, the Chief Football Writer has to be a member of The Lap-Top Loyal, that bunch of fans with lap-tops who's not-so-secret loyalty is given to the club which plays its home games at Ibrox.
Just occasionally, in the interests of balance, a representative of The Greatest Fans In The World gets a Chief Football Writer gig, but, this is normally a short-term appointment, pending a suitably-qualified applicant emerging from the ranks of the LTL.
Right now, one of our supposedly "serious" newspapers has, as its CFW, a no-longer young man who has somehow overcome a distinct lack of talent to rise from the ranks of the Juvenile LTL to the big job.
I read his "think" piece this morning, although I admit through a distinct fog of ammonia - such was the high pish content. He was still orgasmic from watching his heroes win something called the Petrofac Training Cup, yesterday at Hampden.
"Rangers", as he refers to the Rangers Tribute Act, won 4-0, against Peterhead. Pardon me, but, had the RTA not won, it would have sparked-off the biggest stewards' inquiry in the history of sport.
Busy earning much-needed Brownie points from "Management" yesterday, the closest I got to Hampden was a walk round the Burrell Collection - now, there's a guy who got better value for his money than Sir David Murray ever did. I then got to listen to the closing minutes of the Radio Shortbread live broadcast on the car radio on the way home.
The usual suspects among the talking heads were not overly-impressed by the RTA's victory. Sure, the RTA won 4-0, and, from what I was listening to, it could have been 6-0 or even 7-0, but, even guys like Derek Ferguson, who could never be accuse of being a harsh critic on matters Ibroxian, was less than impressed by what he was seeing.
FFS guys, they won 4-0, had it been boxing, the referee would have stopped the contest before the end - what more do they have to do?
Of course, Sunday's match was an eliminator, if you like. The real title fight comes this Sunday, when "normal service" resumes - the Blue Bigot Brother v the Green Bigot Brother, at Hampden.
The first Rangers XI I ever saw "live" was: George Niven; Eric Caldow, John Little; Ian McColl, Bill Paterson, Billy Stevenson; Alex Scott, Ian McMillan, Jimmy Millar, Sammy Baird and Davie Wilson. They needed a routinely-dubious Eric Caldow penalty to get a 1-1 draw with Kilmarnock at Rugby Park. One week later,the same teams met again at Hampden in the Scottish Cup fina, Rangers winning 2-0.
Eric Caldow - the first Rangers' player I saw score
That was in season 1959-60. The Cup win salvaged an otherwise poor season for the club, third in the league behind Champions Hearts an Kilmarnock, eliminated from the League Cup at the group stage; Motherwell won the group, which also included Hibs and Dundee.
To be fair, Rangers had a good run in Europe that season, reaching the European Cup semi-final, where they lost 12-4 on aggregate to Eintracht Frankfort.
That was a middling Rangers team: eight full caps, plus three guys who won at least Under-23 or B honours. It was still a far-superior team to the current lot, which simply demonstrates how far Scottish football has fallen in the past 50-years or so.
So, my message to the LTL and their desk jockey managers who allow them to do this. Stop printing pish about how "Rangers" are back.
For balance, the first Celtic team I ever saw in the flesh read: Frank Haffey, Dunky McKay, Jim Kennedy; Billy McNeill, Bobby Evans, Bertie Peacock; Bertie Auld, Dan O'Hara, John Colrain, Neil Mochan and Alex Byrne. They lost 2-1 to Killie at Rugby Park, Neilly Mochan getting their goal; the all-Lugar pairing of Bertie Black and Andy Kerr scored for Killie.
"Handy Andy" Kerr, on his debut, scored a quite wonderful goal. Lying flat on his back beside the post, he used his right foot, the only part of him on the park, to divert the ball past big Frank Haffey from about six inches.
But, I digress - that Celtic team, with just two future Lisbon Lions, five other Scotland caps and the wonderful Irish internationalist, Bertie Peacock, finished ninth in Scotland's Division One that season. Clyde and Ayr United finished above them.
They finished third, behind Raith Rovers and Airdrie in their League Cup section, were gubbed 4-1 by Rangers in the Scottish Cup semi-final and had not qualified to play in Europe that season.
Still, as with the club across the city - that 1959-60 Celtic team is, for my money, a better one than that which Ronnie Deila sends out today.
The irrepressible Frank Haffey celebrating a win in Australia
OK, I will give you this - Craig Gordon is probably a better goalkeeper than big Frank Haffey, and Leigh Griffiths is a better striker than Celtic had back then, but, otherwise, I don't see any modern-day Celtic players getting into that 1960 Hoops line-up.
The LTL and the GFITW with lap-tops will tell us, we are about to witness a second golden age, now that normal service has been resumed and both Bigot Brothers are back in the top flight.
Pardon me if I respond - Aye Right!!
AT LEAST, things look likely to be a bit more interesting in England next season - not that Leicester City's season, wonderful though it has been to watch, hasn't provided us with entertainment a plenty.
The new season interest looks likely to come from "The Theatre of Dreams". Surely now, after their abject surrender to Spurs at the weekend, there is no way Manchester United will keep Louis Van Gaal on as manager.
So, we can surely look forward to "The Chosen One" arriving at Old Trafford as successor. Now that will be fun.
Jose Mourinhio - surely now Old Trafford-bound
In reality, Jose is the only guy with an ego big enough for that club in its current situation. Mind you, I'd rather see United going for a team appointment - maybe Ryan Giggs as Head Coach, with the Nevilles and Paul Scholes assisting, with Nicky Butt carrying-on as Academy Chief.
United have a superb goalkeeper, and some wonderful kids. All they need is a commanding centre-half and managers/coaches who know what is required for success at that club. The Class of '92 fit that bill.
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