ALL together now: “Let's all laugh at Rangers, let's all laugh at Rangers, na, na, na, na, na, na”

No caption needed

YOU would honestly think the clowns at the top of the marble staircase at Rangers' Ibrox Park are deliberately trying to ruin this once great club, so-poor has been their decision-making of late. And I do not limit my criticism of the club's High Heid Yins to the current sad bunch.

I know Graham Spiers, for one, would love to write a “proddy” version of 'Downfall', I would too, but, I think getting to the truth of the matter will have to wait a few years yet, until all the legal issues are resolved and the actors have calmed down and can reflect honestly.

Nobody comes out of the whole saga with any credit – from Sir David Murray, via the SFA, SPL and SFL, through various managers, to poor wee Davie Whyte (was he a crook or a deluded fall guy?), via Normandy Charlie Green, the saps at Duff and Phelps, the Three Bears, one or two interim chairmen to the Glib and Shameless Liar and his cohorts, currently frantically bailing to try to keep the footballing ship called Dignity afloat.

It's a gie weird affair when “General” Mike Ashley, arguably the biggest “villain” in English football, certainly around Tyneside, emerges as one of the few guys who has acted with any consistency and good faith. Love him or loath him, Mike has defended his own interests better than anyone else.

Of course, our wonderful Scottish fitba media has again been – er, is shite a strong enough word. The way this lot have covered matters Ibroxian over the past five years makes dear old Alex Cameron's midnight telephone call to the Sports Desk, when they told him him that Rangers were going to sign Mo Johnston - “Don't be ridiculous” was “Chiefy's” response – look like great journalism.

I said at the start of this whole sorry affair: there are lawyers set to make a rich killing, and, if the football powers-that-be had done one of two things:

1, regard Chuck Green's club as a “successor club” and kept “Rangers” in the top flight;

2, told Green – you're a new club, start in the Juniors, or the Lowland League, this whole matter would have been sorted-out lang syne.

There was a third option, which I personally favoured. This was, Green, or whoever, should have bought Rangers, and, at the same time, bought Portsmouth, which was up for sale at a knock-down price, merged the two clubs and the single club thus former – “Portsmouth Rangers” or whatever, should have played out of Ibrox, in the English League. Now, I know setting this up would have been difficult, but, it would not have been impossible. Mind you, we'd have missed a lot of fun over the intervening period.

So, “the Magic Hat”, “the Admirable Warburton”, call him what you will, has gone. Well, the “stenographers” (tm. Phil Mac Giolla Bhain) will now have a feeding frenzy as they speculate on who is next up for the Ibrox Bum of the Season campaign

At least the cannon fodder in Joe Louis's “Bum of the Month” boxing campaign, knew they only had to worry about “the Brown Bomber” hitting them – hard. Whoever succeeds Warburton will have to worry about the forces marshalled by Brendan Rodgers, Derek McInnes, Ian Cathro and Co hitting them head on, while the GASL and the stumble-bums in the Blue Room try to knock their feet from under them.

The new guy, whoever he is, will have to operate with a squad which has demonstrated it is not fit for purpose; reinforcements cannot be summoned-up before the close season, and then, some of the dross will have to shovelled out of the door, incurring severance costs which close observers of matters Ibroxian are positive the club cannot afford, before replacements can be recruited.

And, all the while the Donegal Diarist will be reminding his thousands of followers: “This is a club without a line of credit from a bank”; a club relying on loans from the directors to meet regular monthly commitments and whose “Glib and Shameless Liar” of a chairman has apparently misplaced the key to his £50 million “war chest”.

This is comedy gold. It is great for the sales of popcorn, jelly and ice cream in Croy and other havens of the members of the Celtic family, but, family doctors and pharmacists in Larkhall, Kilwinning, Drongan and the other reservations wherein Ra Bears live will need to stock-up on tranquilisers and anti-depressants in the months to come.

Both writer Armando Iannucci and star actor Peter Capaldi from the TV comedy series 'The Thick Of It' are Glasgow-born Scots-Italians. This would appear to make Celtic Park their natural football home, if they indeed have any time for the Beautiful Game. How I would love to see them tackle the whole Rangers saga, it would be comedy gold – but, could it come close to the real thing?

Mind you, this being Scotland – they would have to give this well-known Scottish actor a part.

 

Feeding Frenzy From The Bottom Feeders

JUST occasionally, I feel sorry for the stenographers on the sports desks of the Glasgow-published papers, as they struggle to maintain the artery-blocking, obesity-causing over-feeding of the Old Firm fan-base, who will swallow just about any old shite concerning their clubs.

The stenographers really come into their own during those frenetic periods of the year when the transfer windows are open, and they can excel themselves writing exclusives about who is going to be the next big signing by one or other of the Bigot Brothers. Of course, this isn't as much fun these days, with one half being skint and forced to deal in the Poundstretcher and Bargain Basement end of the market, while the mob across the city can at least afford to shop in Lidl and Aldi.

But, to their credit the Lap Top Loyal and the Celtic Apologists still manage to come up with the goods more often than not. I was particularly impressed this morning by one piece in what used to be a serious broadsheet, this reckoned, because Celtic are currently rolling in cash, they ought to splash out and buy a second club in some other continent.

Pure pish. Now, I have no problems with any top-flight Scottish club setting-up a feeder club, but, I would prefer that feeder club be firstly, Scottish, or, secondly, based in one of the other nations of the UK. I appreciate there might be obstacles to, for instance, Rangers buying Ayr United or Celtic buying Dumbarton and running them as “feeder” clubs.

Some would argue, if this were to happen – and I plucked those two clubs out of thin air as it were – should the Scottish Cup draw come out: Ayr United v Rangers, and Celtic v Dumbarton, then there would be suggestions the ties would be fixed. That is understandable.

But, look at it this way; there is no way either Rangers of Celtic would willingly “throw” a Scottish Cup match against what would be an associate club. To suggest that is preposterous. OK, theoretically, there could be an attempted betting coup, but, in Scotland, the bookies would surely spot the trend of money going on the outsiders.

Also, what a gift to the main club, if the feeder outfit won. After all, Ayr and Dumbarton, the teams I am using for demonstration purposes, would be there to develop new talent for Rangers and Celtic. What a boost for the big two to realise, they had genuine quality players coming through, and what a wake-up call to their players, to realise, within the broader club umbrella, there are players ready to come in and displace them.

It is often said, well it was before Warren Gatland went down the road of picking Welshmen first, Englishmen second, Irishmen third and only picking Scotsmen when everyone else was injured, that if you were picked for the British and Irish Lions rugby squad, your biggest opponent was the guy you were battling for the Test match shirt.

It would be the same if a feeder team met the big team; the players in the big team would know – the kid I am going head-to-head with is after my shirt, well, he isn't getting it. Nine times out of ten, the big team would win, in fact, I would say, more than 90 times out of 100, the big team would win.

Say Celtic, because let's face it Rangers are skint so they don't have this option, was to go for a feeder club outwith Scotland. Where would they establish such a club? Well, they could look to England, picking a League Two or League One side. Then, suppose that side was to get into the Premiership, well, there you have it, Celtic in the top flight in England, the dream for a few on the board and many in the stands.

But, given the club's Irish heritage, Celtic taking over, or even establishing a team somewhere in the Republic of Ireland would make sound business and sporting sense. Similarly, Rangers could well think of a team in the (Northern) Irish League as one worth buying – but, would Linfield appreciate the approach?

If it worked for the Big Two, why not for Aberdeen, or the Edinburgh or Dundee clubs too?

WEE Jim Spence, well-known “Ginger” and Dundee United-minded journalist has caused a wee bit of a stooshie in Jute City this week, with his suggestion that Dundee and Dundee United might amalgamate and form “Dundee City”, making the City of Discovery a one-team city.

Needless to say, on Tayside, this went down like a fart in a space suit. I fear the lovely Jim might need to seek refuge in Glasgow for a time. Such is the tribalism in Scottish fitba, that one is as much of a runner as the late, great Wallace Mercer's abortive attempt to form Edinburgh City by amalgamating Hearts and Hibs.

Mind you, Jim has a point, we have too-many “senior” clubs in Scotland. I reckon, at most, we should have a 20-club senior division, below that, the clubs should be part-time, “community” clubs, geared to bringing through local talent and selling these players on to the senior clubs.

HERE we are, two months into 2017, the European competitions are about to kick-off again, but, Scotland's top clubs are out in the cold. What can we do?

Can I resurrect a suggestion I made some years ago? Why doesn't the SFA contact their friends in Scandinavia and see about restoring the old Royal League to the football calendar, but, with Scottish clubs participating?

The Royal League was a competition which ran for a few seasons during the 2000s, involving the top four clubs from Denmark, Norway and Sweden. Put four Scottish clubs into this and you have a 16-club competition which would surely, if our big two were involved, win TV coverage and mean additional European exposure for Scottish teams and players.

If it worked, perhaps the Icelandic and Finnish leagues would wish to become involved, and, who knows, if proposals to make the Champions League even more of a closed shop for the major leagues, this competition could become popular among the small and mid-ranking European nations.

FINALLY, perhaps because last weekend was a Six Nations Rugby one, I saw one or two commentators suggesting it was time we brought Television Match Officials into football. This followed Celtic getting a penalty that never was at St Johnstone.

One wee problem with that particular spot kick. The incident would not have come under the remit of a TMO in rugby. A second wee problem is, football is more free-flowing than rugby; the fans wouldn't like constant interruptions while the TMO is consulted. We have to remember, football players and coaches are more-argumentative than rugby players, unless a tennis-style challenges system was introduced, games would last two days, with all the arguing that would ensue about whose ball it was.

I can accept the benefits of TMOs, but, bringing them in will mean crossing a legal mine field.

Humiliated

ALTOGETHER now – you all know the tune: “The cry was no defenders.....”. The parody on one of Ra Peepul's traditional battle hymns was again in evidence last night, as Rangers, stumbled, staggered and finally crumbled to an embarrassing 1-4 loss to Hearts at Tynecastle.

Embarrassing is maybe kind to the shambles that was the Ibrox defence, this was humiliation on a grand scale. Causing a mass exodus of Bears midway through the second half is supposed to be a Celtic trick, now here were Hearts having the temerity to get in on the act.

And, had the game finished-up 6-2 or 7-2 (taking heed of that superb reflex save from Jack Hamilton's during Rangers wee spell of good play late in the first half) nobody could have complained. It is now quite clear, Rangers is a club in deep, deep doo-dah.

I was speaking, over the weekend, to a couple of absolute Ranger' fanatics. Guys who have centre stand season tickets at Ibrox, whose support goes back to the days of, if not the Iron Curtain team of 1949, then at least as far back as seeing Geordie Young, Ian McColl, Sammy Baird and the Scott, McMillan, Millar, Brand and Wilson forward line.

Both, while not prepared to give up on a lifetime obsession are adamant: “We're skint, there are players getting a regular game who are not Rangers' class, our board hasn't a clue, the chairman is a charlatan and I have my doubts about the manager. Oh, and Rangers should not be signing players from the lower leagues in England, our demands should be for better-quality personnel”. That is a paraphrasing of what these two were saying.

Difficult to argue with their analysis.

MEANWHILE , without hitting their straps, Celtic comfortably beat Aberdeen, to move 25-points clear of the field at the top of the Premiership, and extend their winning domestic run to 28-games. And remember, for all their dominance, and superbly-consistent domestic form, this is a far from vintage Celtic team. What is to be done about Scottish fitba?

AS FOR young Ian Cathro, I was delighted for him. I still maintain, being the Honcho at a club is a lot different from being a mere coach, even a very good coach – which is what wiser heads than I have been saying about Cathro. He has not had his troubles to seek, but, last night's win – and for all Rangers' defensive travails, Hearts played very well – will, hopefully, be replicated on a regular basis and we will see genuine competition for the runners-up spot. Then, hopefully next season, at least one, hopefully two or three clubs will find the rhythm to challenge Celtic for the title, and do well in the Europa League.

By the way, kudos to the Hearts' fans for that chant with which they sent the early-departing visiting fans on their way: “Fucked by a lap top, you've just been fucked by a lap top”; terracing humour lives.

THE draw for the fifth round – the last 16 – of the Scottish Junior Cup has been made and it is:

Auchinleck Talbot v Luncarty

Dunbar United v Glenafton Athletic

Gartcairn v Carluke Rovers

Kelty Hearts v Kilwinning Rangers

Maryhill v Linlithgow Rose

Penicuik Athletic v Kirkintilloch Rob Roy or Musselburgh Athletic

Petershill v Bonnyrigg Rose Athletic or Kilsyth Rangers .

Renfrew v Sauchie

Some famous big name junior clubs still in there. Rob Roy and Glenafton, the two leaders of the West Premier Division are still alive, and, while Kilwinning Rangers might be holding up that table, the Buffs have a proud Scottish Cup tradition.

East Superleague leaders Kelty are still in there, as are second-placed Bonnyrigg Rose Athletic, fresh from their Senior Scottish Cup heroics, and, as ever, Linlithgow Rose are still going strong.

And, of course, having disposed of cup holders Beith, at their own Bellsdale Park in the last round, Auchinleck Talbot are in their customary position of cup favourites. With a home tie, at Fortress Beechwood, against Luncaty, will anyone bet against Tucker Sloan's men being in the last eight and going all the way?

I will be interested, in particular, in the Dunbar United v Glenafton clash; Dunbar is one of those places you don't want to have to go to if you harbour Scottish Cup ambitions, and, if the Glen can go there and not lose, we will be getting a wee bit excited down in this part of East Ayrshire.

Scotland's Sports Press - Sooking-Up Rather Than Stirring-Up

I DESPAIR at the state of the Scottish football media. In particular, I am distraught of the lack of the supposed USP of the “quality” football press in the country. I refer here to what used to be called the “broadsheet” newspapers, those big papers which had the space to provide clear lay-out for in-depth articles on a particular subject, rather than, as too-many of the red-tops do, pontificating through headlines.

The broadsheets are supposed to have gravitas, bottom, call it what you will. They are supposed to tackle serious subjects, in a serious and thorough manner – not in the Scottish press these days. They have, sadly, joined “The Daily Ranger/Rhebel” (choose your form of bigotry), “The Hun”, The Daily Heil” and “The Depress” in chasing the Old Firm readership.

The Herald's website each day lists in descending order of readership, the Top 20 most-read stories. I have seen days when 10 of these 20 stories concern one or other of the Old Firm.

But still, these papers are shedding readers just as quickly as the red tops. I keep hoping, they will become a bit more diverse in their sports content, I reckon there are readers to be gained by this, but, the will to try this is simply not there.

One of the core values of journalism is to hold people to account, to question the status quo. This doesn't happen in Scottish football. Guys no longer with us like Ian “Dan” Archer during his time at The Herald and the Sunday Standard, or Glenn Gibbons at The Scotsman, (who although guilty of gross brown-nosing of Alex Ferguson) would take great delight in pointing-out where the big two were going wrong, or falling down. Was there ever such a brief, succinct but damning indictment of any football club as “Dan's”: “A constant embarrassment and occasional disgrace” put down of the Rangers support.

Gerry McNee, who operated in the red-top sector, proudly bore the scars of his refusal to cow-tow to the Old Firm, the fact he was allegedly “gubbed” by Rangers' boss Graeme Souness and Celtic gaffer Billy McNeill.

Today, the fans with lap tops are just that, too-busy cosying-up to the Big Two to maintain their critical faculties. For instance, other than the Donegal-based Phil Mac Giolla Bhain, who is invariably right on the money whenever he posts on his blog, nobody appears to be observing critically the unfolding disaster along Edmiston Drive, where the High Heid Yin – referred to by PMGB by: “the glib and shameless liar” tag he was given by a South African judge, has been getting away with murder since he assumed the chair.

I had, in my innocence, paid little attention to how the media works when it comes to powerful institutions, until this week, when I was given a copy of Sunday Times journalist David Walsh's seminal work 'Seven Deadly Sins' the chronicle of his long pursuit of disgraced Tour de France “winner” Lance Armstrong.

In one of the early chapters, Walsh explains how one of the journalists from the French sports daily 'L'Equipe' having decided to concentrate on exposing illegal drug use in sport, and in particular around Le Tour, was harried and eventually sacked, because of the attitude of colleagues. His constant digging after cases of drug misuse was making their cushy life of easy access to the star riders, corporate hospitality and access to parties and functions was being put in danger by his digging, which was embarrassing the guys who ran Le Tour, and cycling's governing body the UCI.

As far as I am aware, no Scottish journalist has ever been sacked, for trying to embarrass either of the big two, or the SFA, another body which might benefit from the searchlights of truth being shone on its activities, but, I am aware of journalists having the facts of life made clear to them – you don't diss the Old Firm, if you want to advance in Scottish sports-writing.

I can vouch for this. Years ago, I was asked by one of the red-tops, to cover a pre-season friendly, at Love Street, between St Mirren and a Celtic XI which lined-up with a mainly fringe players XI. Over the first 80 minutes, it was one-way traffic, as Saints played Celtic off the park. However, they could not score and, with ten minutes left, Henrik Larsson came on, to score the only goal of the game, two minutes from time.

In my report, I emphasised how much Saints had ran the game, and how it had all been changed by Larsson, who, it has to be said, did little other than score the crucial goal – but, that's what he did brilliantly.

My report was totally re-written. Not a single St Mirren player was name-checked, it had become a hymn of praise to “the Magnificent Seven”, which bore no relation to what had actually happened. I have never again worked for that paper, I couldn't.

Plenty of good Scottish footballers have gone to England and prospered, as have one or two Scottish sports writers, in particular Hughie McIlvanney, who, don't forget, was only the second-best writer in his family, but, is now recognised as Britain's greatest sports writer.

I remember a trio of young Turks, who burst onto the scene at the start of the 1990s, but were quickly off-loaded to their papers' Fleet Street headquarters, for the “crime” of doing their own thing and not tagging along with the pack, sharing information and not rocking the boat. All three did very well in the south. I sometimes think, the plan for football writers up here is to set the bar low, and keep it there.

About 25-years or so ago, the BBC did a documentary on McIlvanney, which included some footage shot at Wembley, in the press box, before an England game. There were frequent shots of one immaculately-suited journalist, sitting there, his lap top – which were just coming into use firmly closed, puffing away on a large Cuban cigar. He was the picture of entitlement.

This was one of the main football writers for the then biggest-selling Scottish paper. Watching the footage on a tv screen on the editorial floor, the paper's Editor is reported to have exploded: “Look at that arrogant Cunt, and he doesn't even have his lap top open. Apparently, the Sports Editor was instructed to haul him over the coals when he got back to Glasgow, but, said journo was never even spoken to. He retired with honour, having written little of nothing of note. However, he had “fantastic contacts”, and was popular right across the game – because he was a brown-noser rather than the shit-stirrer journalists are supposed to be.

Just this week, the Scottish media has been going overboard about Celtic beating the Lisbon Lions' “record” of 26 straight domestic games unbeaten. But, and here I must congratulate The Herald on a fine piece, Lisbon Lions Legend Jim Craig – one Celtic supporter who does know his history has pointed-out, even the Lions' great run wasn't a domestic record. The Celtic team of 1915-17, then in the middle of their phenomenal run of six straight Scottish League titles, put together a 62-game unbeaten run, winning 49 of these matches.

But, to the 2017 Scottish football media, Scottish football only seems to have been going since 1967.

There was another piece earlier this week, written by our old friend, the RWM of the Lap Top Loyal, suggesting that, unless Aberdeen gets their big move to the outskirts of the city, the club will die. Aye Right. Pittodrie is far from being a slum; yes, it could benefit from upgrading, but, in any business, the rule of thumb is, do not spend money on massive infrastructure projects until you have out-grown your current base.

Pittodrie is not operating at anything like capacity. In addition, Pittodrie has a greater capacity than the proposed replacement. It is convenient for the city centre, getting to and from Pittodrie is a lot easier than it will be to get to and from the new stadium.

Making better use of the current facilities, upgrading, and, more-importantly, attracting bigger crowds by playing better, winning football, would seem to me to be a better option than going deeply into debt to fund a new HQ miles from anywhere.

OK, the new place might work, if Aberdeen can put in the pubs and eating outlets which will attract the fans pre-match, and persuade them to hang around post-match, putting money into the club's coffers. But, we all know, that is not going to be allowed to happen. If you haven't got a car, it is going to be very difficult to get to the new ground, so, attendances are more-likely to fall than rise – I say this mindful of the fact, outlined above, Pittodrie's capacity is larger than what is planned on the outskirts of the city.

No, the whole piece made no sense. There were also some padding paragraphs, bemoaning the current state of Italian football, and suggesting new grounds for the likes of Juventus and Roma were going to turn things around. Pure shite, the reason Serie A is in decline is because they don't have the cash to compete with the English Premiership, or the big Spanish and German clubs – crumbling grounds are a side-show.