I Feel Like Having A Rant

ONE OF the great joys of this current lockdown is – we all have the licence to allow our imaginations to run riot, should we so desire. For me, that allows me to work on my fantasy of which sports clubs I would buy, and how I would run them, if I ever “did a Weir” and won a mind-boggling prize on Euromillions.

All I can guarantee is, I would assuage over 60 years of hurt and Lugar Boswell Thistle would win the Scottish Junior Cup. The notion of buying what remains of Rangers International FC, if the timing was right following what I now see as their almost inevitable liquidation, somewhere down the line, then running the club properly, also tickles my fancy. But, do I really want to open that can of worms?

Speaking of “The Breengers,” I see the acknowledged expert on all matters Ibrox, “Phil Four Names – The Donegal Blogger” had fresh news for his obsessed followers this week, apparently the near-mythical Albion Car Park is up for sale – further proof, should it be required, of what a basket case RIFC currently is.

Of course, what yer man in Doegal is not telling his adoring public is – there is an ongoing case in France, alleging money laundering and nefarious practices by a bank whose majority shareholder is a Dublin business-man, a certain Dermot Desmond.

Well, since Rangers have, what Phil Four Names likes to describe as: “a Convict Chairman,” it stands to reason, Celtic need one as well.

Phil is very good at selective churnalism. When Channel 4 News's Alex Thomson was all over what is now known as “The Big Tax Case” which eventually did for the 1872 version of Rangers, well Mr T was getting daily name checks in Phil's blog and he was the most-wonderful investigative reporter ever.

Some weeks back, Thomson did a piece on the paedophile behaviour which has seen some familiar figures around Celtic Boys Club enjoy Her Majesty's hospitality in her large and forbidding “bed and breakfast” premises in the Riddrie area of Glasgow. Mr Thomson did a piece on the efforts of Celtic FC to put clear water between that club and the Boys Club. However, you would not have read any of that in yer man Phil's blog.

Mind you, to be fair to Phil; we all need a laugh at this time, and I nearly pished myself earlier this week when he had a go at former Rangers' PR guru James Traynor.

As someone who has shared a few press boxes with wee Jim, I am a wee bit disappointed in the way he forgot the first rule of journalism and became the story. In the last few years, Jim has, I feel, let himself down badly (but, he's not the first and will not be the last journalist to do this).

However, if he lives to be 200 years old, the Donegal Blogger can never aspire to getting anywhere close to James Traynor in terms of talent as a journalist. He's a pygmy taking on Muhammad Ali – an Ali who is impervious to the wee man's poison darts.

And in case you're reading this and feeling smug James, remember, you were only ever the second-best sports writer in your family.

No, when it comes to the Bigot Brothers of Scottish football, I fear whitabootery will always be with us. A plague on both their houses.

THE CURRENT pandemic has allowed our broadcasters to dip into the archives and re-run some classic games of the past. I must admit, I am not a fan of such retro programming – although I would dearly love to see the 1967 Wembley game broadcast, since it wasn't shown live at the time.

What I have been watching again is the ESPN series of 30 for 30 films on American sport; there are some cracking films in there, which have made me aware of great stories which were hitherto unknown to me.

Thes films have also made me realise who obsessed our American cousins are with statistics in sport. Baseball, even more than cricket, is ruled by the numbers, and I now know what some previous “gibberish” in baseball stats – rbis, eras etc - stands for.

In American Football, they also love their statistics, passing yards, rushing yards, third and fourth down completions etc; while in basketball defensive and offensive rebounds, field goal and free throw percentages are studied by all the fans.

In ice hockey, we have assists counts, short-handed goals and power plays either completed or burned – even the dumbest fan knows and appreciates such statistics.

But, statistics mean little in soccer (as the Americans call our game). I wonder how some so-called superstars might be assessed, if we had the same liking for statistics. We might, for instance, find that a guy we think of as a great goal-scorer actually only gets three of every ten shots he takes on target, and only scores with one in fifteen of these. We could also find that a supposed midfield general has a pass completion ratio which is so poor, it would get him laughed out of the game if he was an American quarter-back.

Reading the statistics is a core element in “moneyball analysis” of American sports – I don't know how that might work in Scottish Fitba.

FURTHER proof, should it be required, of the truth of the “Syemour Skinner Dictum: “You Scots are a contentuous people,” came this week in the latest chapter in the setting-up of the new West of Scotland Football League.

As part of the tidy-up, the currently suspended West of Scotland Regional Leagues of the Scottish Junior Football Association decided to settle final positions, by placing the clubs in order, according to the average number of points per game they had won.

This meant that Auchinleck Talbot were awarded the league title, in spite of them being in third position, but with a large number of games in hand over the teams above them.

To me, it seemed like stating the obvious to award the title to Talbot. Every season, because they play so-many Scottish Cup ties – both Senior and Junior, come the light nights, the 'Bot are engaged in playing twice or three times per week as they catch-up. It is always thus and, invariably, when the fat lady finally sings, it is to award the biggest prizes to the Talbot.

But, jealousy runs deep in the juniors and one or two clubs – who haven't beaten Talbot since before Willie Knox became their manager, back in the mid-seventies, are unhappy with the decision.

The fact, a Talbot official was involved on the committee making the decision, has not gone down well in some quarters – cue outrage.

In fact, there were more complaints about Talbot being awarded the title than about Celtic getting the Premier League one – by the same process.

The Scots - a contentuous people indeed – particularly when it comes to fitba.

In Scottish Football It Is Pointless Change For Pointless Change's Sake

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I have not been blogging on Scottish Football for some time – since I have found much of what has transpired this season – even before the shut-down – has been beyond parody or comment. Scottish football, and in particular the way it has been run, has been beyond satire. However, given the present moger, I felt I had to say something – so:

EXPERIENCED observers of Scottish football are not getting worked-up about the current on-going battles along that notorious sixth floor corridor at Hampden Park, where reside the great and the good of our game. Why not, because, they've seen it all before.

If, as Principal Skinner of Springfield Elementary School in the good old U S of A remarked: “You Scots are a contentuous people,” well perhaps nothing better exemplifies our natural ability to cause a row in an empty house than how we run Scottish football.

We introduced league football into Scotland in 1890, and, in the 130 years since, we have employed 33 different examples of how we organise this league – that works out at a change roughly every four years.

Thirteen of these revisions have been undone a year later, while over the 130 years, we have had seen the original ten clubs be joined by up to 55 other clubs in enjoying “senior” status for at least one season.

Mind you, we appear to have stopped acting like deckhands on the Titanic, the deck chairs on the sinking ship which is Scottish Football, have not been re-arranged this century, since the current 12-10-10-10 format was introduced in 2000.

Since then, the “blazeratti” have restricted their need for tinkering and change to finally adopting a play-off system which gives the best club between the Highland and Lowland Leagues that year the chance to pick-off, if they can, the worst club in the Second Division (actually the fourth) in the Scottish Professional Football League.

Currently, they are taking advantage of the game being halted due to global pandemic, to think again of change. Mind you, based on watching how our administrators have operated for the past 50 years, I cannot help thinking, if they do opt for change, they will get it wrong – again.

The basic fact, which the guys running our game refuse to admit, is – we have too-many so-called “senior” clubs in Scotland.

The population of England is just under 56 million; they have 90 “senior” league clubs (I have discounted the two Welsh-based clubs). In Scotland, our 5.5 million population's needs for senior league football is serviced by 42 clubs.

These figures mean, in England, there is a senior football club for every 622,000 people. In Scotland, there is a senior club for every 129,000 people. If our number of clubs was in proportion to the English game, we would only have between eight and nine “senior” clubs.

The biggest problem we have, in my opinion, is the presence among us of our two “Super clubs.” The Old Firm effect totally distorts our game. For instance, either Rangers or Celtic has won the Scottish League title every year since 1985 – a 35-year duopoly. This hegemony takes boredom to a whole different level.

If the Big Two had not been around for these past 35 years, the league championship would have been shared thus:

Aberdeen 11 wins

Heart of Midlothian 10 wins

Motherwell 6 wins

Dundee United 3 wins

Hibernian 2 wins

Kilmarnock 1 win

Livingston 1 win

St Johnstone 1 win

Even if we only look at the 20-year term of the current four division set-up, we find stagnation and familiarity. Here, tabulated, are the various “classes” of Premiership clubs; this is based on where each club has finished over the past 20 seasons.

Mostly Premiership	Mostly Championship	Mostly League One	Mostly League Two
Celtic	Hamilton Academical	Ayr United	Stirling Albion
Aberdeen	Dunfermline Athletic	Clyde	Forfar Athletic
Kilmarnock	Ross County	Airdrieonians	Stenhousemuir
Motherwell	Partick Thistle	Alloa Athletic	East Fife
Heart of Midlothian	Livingston	Dumbarton	Peterhead
Hibernian	Falkirk	Cowdenbeath	Queens Park
Dundee United	Queen of the South	Brechin City	Albion Rovers
Rangers	Greenock Morton	Arbroath	Montrose
St Johnstone	Raith Rovers	Stranraer	Elgin City
Inverness CT			Annan Athletic
St Mirren			Edinburgh City
Dundee			Cove Rangers

Only four clubs: Aberdeen, Celtic, Kilmarnock and Motherwell have been top-flight ever-presents over this period. Hearts have been in the top flight for 19 of the 20 seasons, Hibs for 17 seasons, Dundee United and Rangers (following their liquidation and banishment to the bottom division) for 16 seasons each, St Johnstone for 13 seasons, St Mirren and Inverness Caledonian Thistle for 12 seasons and Dundee for 11.

If we ignore Rangers' first two seasons on their road back, then we have 12 clubs who have never been out of the top two divisions.

A further six clubs have enjoyed a taste of top-flight football over the 20 years of our four division set-up: Hamilton Academical have enjoyed nine seasons in the top flight and Dunfermline Athletic eight; three clubs: Livingston, Partick Thistle and Ross County have each enjoyed seven top-flight seasons this century, while Falkirk have had five top-flight seasons. These clubs amount to 43% of our 42 senior clubs.

A further 13 clubs have played at least one season in The Championship, our second tier. Of these, the most-consistent has been Queen of the South, with 17 Championship seasons under their belt, Greenock Morton, with 13 Championship seasons and Raith Rovers with 12 seasons.

Of those teams who have spent most of the past two decades in the lower leagues, some have had, or still are having, a good spell in the second tier. Ayr United and Clyde both have nine Championship seasons to their names, Airdrieonians have eight, Alloa Athletic seven, Dumbarton six, Cowdenbeath four, Brechin City and Arbroath each has three Championship seasons to show and Stranraer and Stirling Albion each has had one season at that level.

Of the remaining 11 clubs, seven: Forfar Athletic, Stenhousemuir, East Fife, Peterhead, Queens Park, Albion Rovers, and Montrose have spent the past 20 seasons pottering around between the bottom two divisions, while Elgin City have spent 20 straight seasons in the bottom tier, as have the three newest clubs: Annan Athletic, Edinburgh City and Cove Rangers. Although we should pay tribute to the last-named, who seemed set to win the Third Division in their debut season in the SPFL before Covid-19 came along.

Therefore, we have a neat 50/50 split among the 42 clubs, with 21 who are normally to be found in the top two tiers, while the other 21 clubs are more frequently to be found in the bottom two flights.

That 50/50 split surely indicates, the “tail” of Scottish football is wagging the dog. If we are to push up standards, then we need to see a smaller corps of full-time clubs, playing good, exciting football, while at the same time arranging a “soft” landing for those clubs who appear, over the years, to merely be filling-out an over-stuffed fixture list.

Re-arranging the deck chairs in the hope of something different happening will not work. If we are to have change, and I feel change is a must; it has to be change for the better.

Somehow, nothing in their past record leads me to believe the blazeratti will grasp the nettle and make things better.

As to what those changes should be, I will return to in the next part of this blog.