Getting Bye With Little Help From Our Friends

IN THE crazy world of television advertising, we are currently “enjoying” some really daft adverts. One of my favourites is the Yorkshire Tea one, which has Sean Bean, with a nod to his Sharpe persona, waving a sword for no particular reason and demanding that new recruits to the company: “Do it for Yorkshire.”

“Aye, 'appen lad,” as they say across some of the broad acres.

Watching Mr Bean's histrionics in his new role as TV's favourite “Professional Yorkshireman,” I got to thinking – we seldom, if ever, ask any of our national treasures to: “Do it for Scotland.” Maybe it's time we did.

The first crew of “National Treasures” I want to see doing something, is the collective of paid and elected officials who occupy that sporting think tank – the offices along the sixth floor corridor at Hampden Park. (a wee aside here: my sparring partner here st the Scottish School of Sporting Philosophy – Aristotle Armstrong, the Scottish Rugby Philosopher – came up with the title: The Junta, for the ruling body across at BT Murrayfield. I am more than ever convinced, the Edinburgh-based Junta has more of a clue and more concern for their game than their Hampden-based bretheren.

We are down to the last-16 rounds of UEFA's three competitions. This means, a mere 48 clubs remain capable of adding-to their nation's co-efficient, or their own club co-efficient. These 48 clubs are drawn from 19 of the 54 UEFA member nations, the split is:

• Six clubs: England, France, Spain

• Five clubs: Netherlands

• Four clubs: Portugal, Germany, Italy

• Two clubs: Austria

• One club: Croatia, Russia, SCOTLAND, Turkey, Belgium, Czech Republic, Denmark, Greece, Norway, Serbia, Switzerland.

A reading of the UEFA Associations Co-efficient shows the following Top Twenty Order of Merit:

• England, Spain, Italy, Germany, France, Portugal, Netherlands, Austria, SCOTLAND, Russia, Ukraine, Serbia, Belgium, Switzerland, Greece, Croatia, Czech Republic, Cyprus, Denmark, Turkey.

As an exercise, I looked at the 48 surviving clubs, I gave each one still in the Champions League, 3 points; each surviving club in the Europa League earns its nation two points, and the 16 Europa Conference League each earn their country one point.

This gives an Association Co-efficient Order of Merit based only on 2021-22 season's form as follows:

• England, Spain, France, Portugal, Germany, Italy, Netherlands, Austria, Croatia, Russia, SCOTLAND, Switzerland, Turkey, Belgium, Czech Republic, Denmark, Greece, Norway, Serbia, Switzerland

Therefore, in the actual Associations Co-efficient, Scotland lies ninth; Rangers have got us ranked ninth in my hypothetical listing, so, we've not lost anything.

Of the 19 nations with teams in the last-16 rounds, three: Croatia, France and Portugal are, this season, doing better than their co-efficient might indicate. Scotland is one of eight nations playing to their “handicap,” while seven nations: Belgium, Cyprus, Germany, Italy, Serbia, Turkey and Ukraine are under-performing this season.

I can accept us being ranked behind the European giants: England, France, Italy, Germany and Spain. However, when you see Netherlands with five teams in the rounds of 16, Portugal with four and Austria with two – well, I get annoyed. We should, I believe, be doing as least as well as these countries.

Courtesy of Rangers, our only survivors, we are: “playing to par”; but, if you look at the UEFA Club Co-efficients, the picture is not as-good. Here is the reality of Scottish Clubs' places in the Club Co-efficient listings:

• Rangers 39

• Celtic 47

• Aberdeen 133

• St Johnstone 170

• Hibernian 171

• Motherwell 172

• Kilmarnock 173

We need the Big Two to get a wee bit of help from what Chick Young dubbed: “The Diddy Teams,” they simply are not even performing in Europe – far-less under-performing.

Here are the European records of Scottish clubs, other than the Old Firm:

Hibernian: European Cup 1955-56: semi-final: Inter-Cities Fairs Cup 1960-61: semi-final; Fairs Cup 1961-62: second round; Fairs Cup 19623-63: quarter-final; Fairs Cup 1965-66: first round; Fairs Cup 1967-68: third round; Fairs Cup 1968-69: third round; Fairs Cup 1970-71: third round; European Cup-winners Cup 1972-73: quarter-final; UEFA Cup 1973-74: second round; UEFA Cup 1974-75: second round; UEFA Cup 1975-76: first round; UEFA Cup 1976-77: second round;

Heart of Midlothian: European Cup 1958-59: preliminary round; European Cup 1960-61: preliminary round; Inter-Cities Fairs Cup 1961-62: second round; Fairs Cup: 1963-64 first round; Fairs Cup 1965-66: second round; European Cup-winners Cup 1976-77: second round; UEFA Cup 1984-85: first round;

Dunfermline Athletic: European Cup-Winners Cup 1961-62: quarter-final; Inter-Cities Fairs Cup 1962-63: second round; Fairs Cup 1964-65: third round; Fairs Cup 1965-66: quarter-final; Fairs Cup 1966-67: second round; Fairs Cup 1968-69: semi-final; Fairs Cup 1969-70: third round;

Dundee: European Cup 1962-63: semi-final; European Cup-winners Cup 1964-65: second round; Inter-Cities Fairs Cup 1967-68: semi-final; UEFA Cup 1971-72: third round; UEFA Cup 1973-74: first round; UEFA Cup 1974-75: first round;

Partick Thistle: Inter-Cities Fairs Cup 1963-64: second round; UEFA Cup 1972-73: first round;

Kilmarnock: Inter-Cities Fairs Cup 1964-65: second round; European Cup 1965-66: first round; Fairs Cup 1966-67: semi-final; Fairs Cup 1969-70: third round; Fairs Cup 1970-71: first round;

Dundee United: Inter-Cities Fairs Cup 1966-67: third round; Fairs Cup 1969-70: first round; Fairs Cup 1970-71: second round;European Cup-winners Cup 1974-75: second round; UEFA Cup 1975-76: second round; UEFA Cup 1977-78: first round; UEFA Cupo 1979-80: second round; UEFA Cup 1980-81: second round; UEFA Cup 1981-82: quarter-final; UEFA Cup 1982-83: quarter-final; European Cup 1983-84: semi-final; UEFA Cup 1984-85: third round; UEFA Cup 1985-86: third round;

Aberdeen: European Cup-winners Cup 19667-68: second round; Inter-Cities Fairs Cup 1968-69: second round; Cup-winners Cup 1970-71: first round; UEFA Cup 1971-72: second round; UEFA Cup 1972-73: first round; UEFA Cup 1973-74: second round; UEFA Cup 1979-80: first round; European Cup 1980-81: second round; UEFA Cup 1981-82: third round; Cup-winners Cup 1982-83: Winners; Cup-winners Cup 1983-84: semi-final; European Cup 1984-85: first round; European Cup 1985-86: quarter-final;

Greenock Morton: Inter-Cities Fairs Cup 1968-69: first round.

St Johnstone: UEFA Cup 1971-72: third round;

St Mirren: UEFA Cup 1980-81: second round; UEFA Cup 1983-84: first round; UEFA Cup 1985-86: second round.

That takes us up to Season 1985-86, the one after which Scottish Football changed with the Souness Revolution. In those 31 seasons prior to Souness's arrival at Ibrox, 11 different clubs, outwith the Old Firm, had participated in 72 European campaigns. These produced:

• One outright win

• Eight semi-final appearances

• Seven quarter-final appearances

• In 22% of the campaigns, a “Diddy” team reached the later rounds in Europe

• Eleven different clubs qualified to play in Europe.

The “Diddy Clubs'” record post-Souness reads:

Aberdeen: Cup-winners Cup 1986-87: first round; UEFA Cup 1987-88: second round; UEFA Cup 1988-89: first round; UEFA Cup 1989-90: first round; Cup-winners Cup 1990-91: second round; UEFA Cup 1991-92: first round; Cup-winners Cup 1993-94: second round; UEFA Cup 1994-95: first round; UEFA Cup 1996-97: second round; UEFA Cup 2000-01 qualifying round; UEFA Cup 2002-03: first round; UEFA Cup 2007-08: Round of 32; Europa League 2009-10: 3 qualifying round; Europa League 2014-15: 3 qualifying round; Europa League 2015-16: 3 qualifying round; Europa League 2016-17: 3 qualifying round; Europa League 2017-18: 3 qualifying round; Europa League 2018-19: 2 qualifying round; Europa League 2019-20: 3 qualifying round; Europa League 2020-21: 3 qualifying round; European Conference League 22021-22: play-off round

Dundee United: UEFA Cup 1986-87: Finalists; UEFA Cup 1987-88: second round; Cup-winners Cup 1988-89: second round; UEFA Cup 1989-90: second round; UEFA Cup 1990-91: second round; UEFA Cup 1993-94: first round; Cup-winners Cup 1994-95: second round; UEFA Cup 1997-98: 2 qualifying round; UEFA Cup 2005-06: 2 qualifying round; Europa League 2010-11: play-off round; Europa League 2011-12: 2 qualifying round; Europa League 2012-13: 3 qualifying round;

Heart of Midlothian: UEFA Cup 1986-87: first round; UEFA Cup 1988-89: quarter-final; UEFA Cup 1989-90: second round; UEFA Cup 1990-91: second round; UEFA Cup 1992-93: second round; UEFA Cup 1993-94: first round; Cup-winners Cup 1996-97: qualifying round; Cup-winners Cup 1998-99: first round; UEFA Cup 2000-01: first round; UEFA Cup 2003-04: second round; UEFA Cup 2004-05: fifth Group A; Champions League 2006-07: 2 qualifying round; then UEFA Cup : first round; Europa League 2009-10: play-off round; Europa League 2011-12: play-off round; Europa League 2012-13: play-off round; Europa League 2016-17: 2 qualifying round;

St Mirren: Cup-winners Cup 1987-88: second round;

Motherwell: Cup-winners Cup 1991-92: first round; UEFA Cup 1994-95: second round; UEFA Cup 1995-96: preliminary round; UEFA Cup 2008-08: first round; Europa League 2009-10: 3 qualifying round; Europa League 2010-11: play-off round; Champions League 2012-13: 3 qualifying round, then Europa League: play-off round; Europa League 2013-14: 3 qualifying round; Europa League 2014-15: 2 qualifying round; Europa League 2020-21: 3 qualifying round;

Airdrieonians: Cup-winners Cup 1992-93: first round;

Hibernian: UEFA Cup 1992-93: first round; UEFA Cup 2001-02: first round; UEFA Cup 2005-06: first round; Europa League 2010-11: 3 qualifying round; Europa League 2013-14: 2 qualifying round; Europa League 2016-17: 2 qualifying round; Europa League 2018-19: 3 qualifying round; Europa Conference League 2021-22: 3 qualifying round;

Raith Rovers: UEFA Cup 1995-96: second round;

Kilmarnock: Cup-winners Cup 1997-98: first round; UEFA Cup 1998-99: 2 qualifying round; UEFA Cup 1999-2000: first round; UEFA Cup 2001-02: first round; Europa League 2019-20: 1 qualifying round;

St Johnstone: UEFA Cup 1999-2000: first round; Europa League 2012-13 2 qualifying round; Europa League 2013-14: 3 qualifying round; Europa League 2014-15: 3 qualifying round; Europa League 2015-16: 1 qualifying round; Europa League 2017-18: 1 qualifying round; Europa League 2021-22: 3 qualifying round;

Livingston: UEFA Cup 2002-03: first round;

Dundee: UEFA Cup 2003-04: first round;

Dunfermline Athletic: UEFA Cup 2004-05: 2 qualifying round; UEFA Cup 2007-08: 2 qualifying round;

Gretna: UEFA Cup 2006-07: 2 qualifying round;

Queen of the South: UEFA Cup 2008-09: 2 qualifying round;

Falkirk: Europa League 2009-10: 2 qualifying round;

Inverness Caledonian Thistle: Europa League 2015-16: 2 qualifying round.

Seventeen clubs then, waging 98 European campaigns in those 34 seasons, these have produced:

• One appearance in the final

• One appearance in the last 32

• One qualification for the group stages

• 2% appearances in the knock-out stages

• 3% qualification for the group stages

I appreciate, particularly since the European Cup became the Champions League, 30 years ago now, the continental playing field has been somewhat skewed against the smaller leagues such as the Scottish one. However, to drop from 22% qualification for the sharp end of the European competitions to only 2% (two campaigns to the sharp end, but, only one to the really-competitive rounds) demonstrates how far Scottish football has fallen.

What are the high heid yins of our game going to do to reverse this trend? They have certainly done nothing over far too long a timescale.

A Good Few Days For Rangers - Then Big Doug Passed

THE FORMER East Ayrshire mining village in which I live is something of a Unionist/Rangers stronghold. I am told we have more Union Flags flying in front gardens here – and in a couple of similar nearby villages, than anywhere else in Scotland. The running joke up here used to be, when you got the keys to your Council house, you also got a picture of King Billy, on his white horse, to hang above the fireplace.

So, with that background, Thursday night was a wee bit wild – between Rangers winning in Dortmund, then Celtic being beaten at home by Bodo/Glimt; as one of the local 'Bears' commented: “If Carlsberg did Thursday nights, this would be it.” Another of the local branch of WATP pondered the great philosophical question of the night: “When Celtic bomb out of the Europa Conference League, where do they go – the Eurovision Song Conference perhaps?”

These are of course, part of the non-stop banter between the fans of the Bigot Brothers. Both Borussia Dortmund and Celtic are capable, with a fair wind behind them, of overturning a two-goal deficit in the second leg, but, until this Thursday, the Rangers' fans have the bragging rights.

But seriously, from an overall Scottish Football viewpoint, if Celtic go out in Norway, it dents our hopes of boosting our European co-efficient. Fair enough, however, for me, it is long past time the rest of our so-called top clubs to step up to the mark and help the big two enhance our co-efficient. In Europe, every result counts, and, for too-long, this has been a weakness in Scottish football.

 

BIG DOUG BAILLIE died at the week-end, aged 85. That's a good innings and my condolences go to his family – the big man will be much-missed.

He hailed from Rigside a mining village high in the South Lanarkshire hills. From here, every day, he caught the train to Lanark Grammar School, where he combined a good academic record with a starring role in a very-good school team.

He was in the Airdrie first team while still at school and aged just 18, he was chosen at centre half for Scotland's first-ever Under-23 team. Four of that team, full-backs Alex Parker and Eric Caldow, right-half Dave Mackay and outside-right Graham Leggat would go on to win full caps, with Caldow and Masckay captaining Scotland, so to be in that company demonstrates, Doug could play a bit.

Sadly, Scotland lost 0-6 to England, most of the damage being done by Duncan Edwards, the legendary Busby Babe. He was switched form his normal left-half role, to centre forward in the second half, scoring a hat-trick and giving Doug a torrid time. Years later, I broached the subject of Edwards to him and doug had no hesitation: “He absolutely murdered me that night, by far the best player I ever faced.”

Doug was a Rangers fan and when Rangers paid Airdrie a then big fee of £11,500 in the close season of 1960, he achieved his ambition of playing for the club. Sadly, he had a horrific debut, being run ragged by the young John Yogi Hughes as Celtic won 3-2. It was a foretaste of things to come and, in the face of competition from former Scotland B cap Bill Paterson, veteran internationalist Willie Telfer, then the breakthrough of the young Ron McKinnon, he only managed 41 games, in five seasons at Ibrox.

Perhaps his best performance in a Rangers jersey was in the first leg of the European Cup-Winners Cup semi-final “Battle of Britain” against Wolverhampton Wanderers, when Scot Symon handed him the number nine shirt with instructions to make life difficult for Wolves' captain and England centre-half Bill Slater. Doug did a sterling job, creating space for Alex Scott and Ralph Brand to score the goals which took Rangers into the final.

He left Rangers in 1964 to run down his playing career with Third Lanark, Falkirk then Dunfermline Athletic, before, after some 400 games in his 17-year senior career, he hung-up his boots, having found his true forte.

The Sunday Post held what were, in effect, open auditions, seeking new football-writing talent. Doug turned-up and got the gig. Initially, he understudied their Chief Football Writer, Wembley Wizard legend Jack Harkness; then, when that goalkeeping great retired, Doug became the Post's go-to man for football coverage.

He invented a whole new language for football-writing: “Doug-Speak.” They didn't play with a ball, but with a “spheroid.” “Custodians defended the onion bag.” During John Greig's tenure as manager, Rangers were 'Greig's Granadiers.'

You read a Doug Baillie match report with a smile on your face; his copy flowed. We lesser lights, sharing a press box with the great man, never filed our copy while he was on the telephone to the Post – listening to Doug was more entertaining.

He truly was a larger-than-life character, ever ready with a joke and a quip. He was also the embodiment of: “Once a Ranger – always a Ranger.” I remember one afternoon, at Ibrox, sitting between Doug and another former Rangers centre-half, the legendary Willie Woodburn. I was black and blue at the end, as they kicked every ball with their old team.

Rangers had a young centre forward playing that day, who was going to be: “The next big thing.” Doug wasn't impressed: “See that yin, he'll still be a promising boay when he's 30,” was the Baillie verdict. The next big thing was back in the juniors a couple of season later.

But, surely the best Baillie story is of the afternoon son Lex scored the winner for Celtic in an Old Firm Derby. “His mother is very proud,” is how Doug assessed the goal in his Post match report.

He had settled in Hamilton and, in retirement, he became something of a regtular at Accies' home games. He had been a successful president of The Scottish Football Writers Association, as he covered games around the World, at World Cups and European Champiionships.

Because he had played the game to a high level, Doug could get stories out of players which we lesser beings never could – he truly was a giant of Scottish Football Writing.

Our craft has lost one of its gianst and, as one proud to call him a friend, I mourn his passing. We will not see his likes again.

Dixie's Gone - Ayr Will Not See His Like Again

 

ALEX “DIXIE” INGRAM died last week, after a lengthy battle against Alzheimer's. His death was widely, and rightly, mourned across his adopted Ayrshire. As an old-fashioned spearhead centre forward with Ayr United, then as an entrepreneurial business-man in the motor trade, he did a lot for sport in the county.

The “Dixie” nickname comes not from comparisons between the genuinely gifted header of a ball that Alex was – and Everton and England legend Dixie Dean, but from “Dixie” Ingram, the high-leaping solo Highland Dancer in TV's White Heather Club. Not a tall man, the footballing Dixie really could get off the deck, frequently out-jumping taller defenders.

He was born in Edinburgh, went into the finance business and signed for Queen's Park, from whom Ayr United signed him in 1966 – he was, in fact, the first United player signed by Ally MacLeod. A part-timer, his day job with a motor trade finance house made him a familiar figure around Ayrshire, more-so when he began banging in the goals in the very good United team which Ally built.

He played over 300 games for United, in two spells with the club, broken by one year with Nottingham Forest, whom he joined for £45,000, before returning to Somerset Park for £15,000; great business by the club. He was also capped by the Scottish League, during his first spell at Somerset Park – the first United player to win representative honours for many years.

During his service with United, he played up front with some legends, the likes of George McLean and Alex Ferguson, scoring 117 goals, to be placed fourth in the club's all-time goal scorers list.

He played in the United team which contested their first Scottish Cup semi-final, in 1973. They lost 2-0 to Rangers, but those United fans who were there that night and are still alive, are still wondering how Dixie could possible have been offside, as he ran past Colin Jackson and Derek Johnstone to head a Davie Wells cross past Peter McCloy.

That was one of the worst of the many pro-Rangers decisions given in his refereeing career, by Bobby Davidson. Had United got in front, the outcome might have been a lot different.

In the early 1970s he opened his own Volkswagen dealership, initially in Prestwick Road in Ayr, expanding it widely with multiple locations in and around A|yr and further afield, in Paisley and Stranraer. He had a penchant for employing other footballers, with several weel-kent figures in the Ayrshire Juniors having their day jobs with the Ingram group.

He also sponsored several clubs, and was even, at one point, being touted as a possible Kilmarnock Chairman, as the club's old guard struggled to hold-off the interest of Bobby Fleeting – whose brother, SFA insider Jim, had been a team mate of Dixie's at Somerset Park.

But, the possible Killie connection came to nothing and Alex returned to Somerset Park, becoming vice-chairman and eventually Honorary President. He was also inducted into the club's Hall of Fame in 2008.

Away from football he had, through son Malcolm, who took over the family firm, an interest in karate. However, his main sporting passion after hanging up his boots was the golf course.

He became firm friends with the great Bernhard Langer and when the German legend competed in the Open at Turnberry or Royal Troon, he always stayed with Alex and his wife Jean in Ayr.

Sadly, the final decade of Alex Ingram's life was blighted by Alzheimer's. He required round-the-clock care before his and his family's torment was ended in the early hours of Thursday, 3 February, he was 77.

Dixie was an old-fashioned centre forward, he played hard, gave no quarter and asked none in return. He was a true star in a Golden Age for Ayr United, every Somerset Parker will feel deep sorrow at the passing of a legend.

Much Ado About Two Very Average Sides

THE DAILY RECORD'S Sports Editor hasn't, yet, brought-up the cracked Rangers' crest graphic, but, should Rangers fail to beat Hearts, at Ibrox on Sunday, I dare say he might be tempted to call it up.

The hacks are equally delighted – Celtic's 3-0 win, at Celtic Park, on Wednesday night, sets the agenda for the next month. The hacks don't have to think too hard about what they are writing (not that the likes of Keith Jackson ever could). The agenda has the green bit of Glasgow on-top, with the blue half chasing.

Fair play to Celtic, you cannot really argue about a deserved win when there were three goals in it. The truth, however, which the solid, upright citizens of The Scottish Football Writers Association dare not tell you is, at the moment, Celtic are probably the playing the better football of two average teams, who are not, given the huge financial and support advantages they enjoy, significantly better than the other ten teams in their domestic league.

The following is entirely unscientific, but, still I think, interesting. Back in the 1970s, when Squash was the “must play” game among the aspiring middle classes, each squash club ran a series of ladders. These ranked the player in each and you rose through the ranks by challenging, then beating, one of the three or four players above you in each ladder.

So, I thought I would adapt a squash ladder to the current state of European club football. The 16 teams in the Round of 16 for the Champions League I ranked in order of their performances in the group stages. Next come the eight clubs dropping from the Champ;ions League into the Play-off round of the Europa League.

Next come the eight clubs who finished bottom of their Champions League group and are not out of Europe. Below them are theeight Europa League group winners, followed by the eight second-placed teams, ahead of the eight third-placed teams in each Europa League group.

Using my ladders method, we find Rangers this season ranked (at the moment) 48^th in Europe, while Celtic, who finished third in their gorup to drop into the European Conference League are currently ranked 50^th in Europe. So, not much between the two clubs.

If we look at the make-up of the top 56 teams (the ones still involved in the knock-out stages of the three UEFA competitions) we find Scotland is ranked eighth of the 21 nations who still have teams involved. England, Germany, Italy and Spain each has six teams still involved,France and Portugal each has five teams still involved, Turkey has three while we are joined on the two clubs still involved mark by Austrai, Russia and Ukraine.

So, Scotland has two clubs ranked in Europe's top 50. However, it's where the remainder of our clubs are ranked that is, for me, the big problem.

With the introduction of second chances (lose in the Champions League, you drop into the Europa League, lose there, you drop into the Europa Conference League, it becomes all but impossible to rank the clubs who don't at least reach the group stages of even the Conference League, the lowest-ranked of the three competitions.

What is clear, however, is, there is a massive drop-off between our top two teams and the rest. Aberdeen, Hibernian and St Johnstone, our three other representatives in Europe this season were all back on domestic duty, almost before the season had started.

Given the teams which dropped out of Europe in later rounds of the three European competitions, I would say their rankings will be some 100 places lower than the Old Firm's.

Until we sort our domestic league out and start to get back to where we were in the 1960s to 1980s, when Scottish clubs such as Aberdeen, Dundee, Dundee United, Dunfermline Athletic, Hearts, Hibs, and Kilmarnock were all competitive in Europe and Scottish clubs were regular visitors to the later rounds of European competitions, then we are only going backwards.

We desperately need to re-structure our league, to level the playing field and narrow the gap between the Old Firm and the rest. It is in the interests of the other clubs to make this happen – I wonder what is stopping them.

And, while we are at it, let's see ALL our clubs favouring Scottish players and giving our young talent a chance to flourish.

EARLIER this week I had to attend the funeral of a cousin. Obviously, with the Covid restrictions, this was the first set-piece family gathering for some time, so I was meeting up with friends I hadn't seen in many years.

One of my cousins came up with a belter of a story, from the glory days of Ayrshire Junior Football, back in the 1970s. It's worth re-telling.

This cousin was playing for one North Ayrshire team, his elder brother was playing for an East Ayrshire side. Now, the elder brother had a justified and deserved reputation as a “nutter.” He fully-embraced the gospel of Ayrshire Junior football: “If it moves – kick it; if it doesn't move – kick it till it does.” He was on first-name terms with the members of the SJFA's disciplinary committee, so-often did he appear before them. The younger brother – the narrator of the story, was a very-clean player, who seldom troubled the referees.

Any way, the younger brother caught the 'flu a couple of days before his side were due in Dundee on Scottish Junior Cup business, but, if he missed the game, his team would struggle to put 11 men on the park.

Help was at hand, however, big brother was serving a suspension so, on the basis the game was in Dundee and nobody would know any different, he would play in his wee brother's place.

This was agreed and away he went. When he returned to the family home that Saturday night, wee brother asked how it had gone.

“Good news and bad news – we won 3-1, but, you got sent off late in the second half.”

Wee brother then had to attend a disciplinary meeting, where he copped a 28-day suspension, in spite of the player he had allegedly punched insisting: “that's no the guy wha punched me.”

“Aye Ah did, and ye deserved it,” said the innocent fall guy.