I Puts My Thinking Head On

WHEN playing old Worzel Gummidge, the late Jon Pertwee, at least once per episode would say: "I has to puts my thinking head on". I have a mate, one of the leg ends of Ayrshire Junior Football, who from Monday to Friday is a very big fish in the corporate banking pond. You want to borrow upwards of £1 million from that particular bank - he's the guy who sits across the desk and laughs at you.

But on Saturday, he used to insist he took off his banking head and put on his football one, thereby turning himself into just another Scottish football managerial psycho.

I reckon given what we occasionally read about his interests in the arts and culture, the fact he's apparently shit-hot on the West End of Glasgow's competitive pub quiz circuit and he has seemingly read a book or two - Neil Lennon has a Monday to Friday normal head and for match days and nights, a football head.

He clearly had his normal head on yesterday for the Celtic media conference, since he spoke a lot of sense - how about wearing it to a match of two Neil.

REGULAR reader 'Sausage Fingers' asked an interesting question following my post yesterday, wondering if anyone had ever been banned for sectarian behaviour in Scotland.

The answer, sadly for its eradication, is yes. Back in the seventies, I remember they (the authorities) tried-out banning orders, which required the recipients to report to police stations while matches were being played. I think, somewhere in England since this was when "casuals" first appeared and they were mostly in the 16-24 age range, some police forces actually put on events which were supposed to use up their excess energies. Of course, they pushed the casual problems underground and the civic foot was lifted from the neck, back came the aggro, but it has, in England, been maintained at a level the public will tolerate, if not entirely obliterated.

After I think it was the Villareal You Tube furore, I recall one daily newspaper, either the Herald or the Daily Mail running an interview with Martin Bain in which he insisted Rangers had indeed, quietly banned a few miscreants from Ibrox for unseemly behaviour. I think the reporter who wrote the piece had to carry-out all the dirty jobs at the next four meetings of the Lap Top Loyal, for breaking ranks on that one - and, significantly no names of the guilty were ever published.

A wee aside here - covering the local JP or Police court used to be a basic rite of passage in journalism. You had to cover the local monthly sitting, at which you would find otherwise upright citizens appearing for such heinous crimes as being drunk and disorderly, pissing up closes, allowing their dogs to defecate in public and minor but not serious crimes, such as shop-lifting.

This is where breaches of the peace, minor skirmishes at closing time and the like were dealt with. Today, given the polis ride around in cars and vans and are never seen on the streets at closing time or afterwards, the JP/police courts don't handle the same level of cases and, in fact, the way we've got bigger coonsils and more centralisation, in some places they've been phased-out, with even the smaller crimes going to the sheriff courts - which is a pity.

The thought of appearing in the local court and having your misbehaviour plastered all over the local paper was a great deterrant to petty crime. Today's local paper journalists seldom have to cover the local court and as a result, the local papers miss-out on some great stories and the young journalists don't make contacts or learn their craft properly.

Back on-track now. I know all about Maggie's phrase: "the oxygen of publicity" and doubtless some would wear it as a badge of pride - but why don't the clubs print their banning orders; if only in Rangers News and the Celtic View, or Pravda and Isvestia as they are known in the newspaper offices of Scotland.

A couple of pages: "The following members of the Larkhall Loyal RSC have been banned from all Scottish grounds for three months for sectarian singing....."

The following members of the Croy Sean South CSC have been banned from all Scottish grounds for three months for chanting IRA slogans...." just might work.

Usual disclaimer here to placate the Celtic Family - you've both got a problem but Rangers' is greater, OK.

YESTERDAY was a sad anniversary, the 50th of the calamitous 9-3 defeat by England at Wembley.

Of course, legend has it that it was all Frank Haffey's fault. The trouble with this is blaming Haffey is now nothing more than the Liberty Valance excuse - from the line in that great western 'The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance' - "When the legend becomes truth, print the legend", or, as a greater philosophical thinker than I explained it: "tell the public what they want to hear".

The Tartan Army wanted a scapegoat and, particularly after being coerced into having his picture taken under Big Ben at 9.15pm that Saturday night - big Frank was doomed.

Having seen him play, he wasn't a bad goalkeeper, but those 90 minutes condemned him. This year I tried to get a piece printed which I felt partially rehabilitated Haffey. I managed to unearth what little film footage of that game is still in the public domain. Rumour has it Scottish film technicians have managed to destroy almost all the footage ever shot.

I analysed this film and discovered: Haffey was only responsible for three of the nine goals. Billy McNeill, who was the solitary Scot to emerge from the game with any credit - it was his international debut - was also at fault for three, while Bert McCann, who like Haffey was never picked for Scotland again, sold two and skipper Eric Caldow one. But, in truth, none of the Scotland XI came out of the disaster untarnished - though big Frank has carried the can all these years.

Ron Springett in the England goal, by the way, sold all three Scottish goals and got clean away. It's an unfair world.

I thought, naively, after half a century, big Frank, now 72 and enjoying a sun-kissed retirement in Molindinar on Queensland's Gold Coast, was overdue rehabilitation - but I was wrong. When it comes to the 9-3 game, Frank Haffey is still "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance".