BACK in the day, when he still had a future in the mad world of fitba writing, Graham Spiers used to write-up on a regular basis, the foibles of the Ayrshire Region of the Scottish Junior Football Association's Disciplinary Committee.
These much-anticipated pieces were based on the eye-witness reports of Graham's Ayrshire Correspondent - Me; who, Graham asserted: viewed matters from a dank cave, which looked down on the putrefying plains of Ayrshire Junior Football.
It says a great deal for then Ayrshire secretary Matt Spiers, a lovely gentleman, thankfully still with us in his ninth decade and no relation to Graham, his staunch right-hand-man, the Treasurer, John McMurtrie and the various elected officials, that they allowed the press into the room while they conducted their deliberations on the various cases of Assault, Serious Assault and Culpable Homicide which passed for tackles in such fixtures as Auchinleck v Cumnock and Irvine Meadow v Kilbirnie Ladeside.
I got some belting stories to pass-on to Graham, but, what remains with me concerning those far-off days of watching justice dispensed in the raw, was how often the committee got it absolutely spot-on.
Another thing I recall of those days was how, after bringing the latest Beechwood Park or Townhead Park riot to the attention of the world beyond God's County, Graham would seek a comment from "Uncle" Joe Black, the ex-polis who ran the SJFA at the time. Inevitably Graham would be able to tell us: "The SJFA will hold an enquiry into the affair".
Well, after the fiasco of yesterday's William Hill Scottish Cup quarter-final draw, maybe the apparatchicks on the sixth floor at Hampden should call Uncle Joe out of retirement, to spearhead an enquiry into the affair.
Joe is the sort of old-fashioned Scottish official we have lost. He would have had the Rangers ball heated-up, the Celtic ball stuck in the freezer for a week before the draw, and the whole thing would have been conducted with dignity and decorum.
I barely caught the embarrassment of the TV pictures of the whole sorry incident - I was too busy laughing. Wee Alan Macrae the SFA president, did a more than passable Captain Mainwaring impression as thing unravelled before him. His petulant summoning-in of the typists to sort-out the mess was a thing of beauty.
The Scottish Football Association - couldnae run a draw, far-less a gird and cleek - priceless.
AS I have written on here, several times, I do not do Twitter, or Facebook, or Instagram of any of the populat forms of "social media" - I leave that to my gormless daughters and my highly-annoying grand-daughter.
But, while I have every sympathy for Leigh Griffiths, in his current travails on Twitter, where apparently he is being "trolled" relentlessly by dummies with more time on their hands than functioning brain cells, can I offer a word of advice to the talented Mr G and, more-importantly, the High Heid Yins at Celtic Park.
Leigh - get off Twitter. Celtic - order your players off Twitter. That way, you aint gonna be bothered by the loonies, simples.
SO, the Tartan Army WILL be in France this summer, with Scotland down to be France's warm-up act, prior to the big show. Aye well, if going there, seeing all the bunting and banners going up, but, realising, we will not be there when things get serious inspires players, management and officials to make certain, Euro2016 is the last big show we miss out on, it might be a worth-while exercise.
Old cynic that I am, however, I see the trip as a step back in time, to the period between 1930 and 1950, when the SFA seemed to arrange an annual end-of-season Parisian trip for the SFA Council, plus a few players.
Hughie Gallacher famously went totally overboard on a couple of trips, to the extent the selectors wouldn't pick him for a time - let that be a warning to Leigh Griffiths!!
Mind you, I always reckoned the best story to come out of Scotland's French farces was the 1948 trip, when Morton's Billy Campbell split the toe cap of his Manfield Hotspur boot, there wasn't another boot the same size to be found and thus, Sammy Cox got his first cap.
The rat pack of reporters from the red tops, who now follow Scotland everywhere, didn't venture beyond Wembley back then, so, it was duly reported back to Scotland, probably by Reuters' Paris bureau, that Charlie Cox of Hearts had won his first cap in that game.
Charlie went to his grave still embarrassed at being "capped". It took years for the Wee Red Book to correct the error. Indeed, when the Rangers's Cox was named in the Scotland team to face England, in what became known as "Jimmy Cowan's Match" in 1949, even the mighty Waverley of the Daily Record reckoned it was Sammy's first cap.
Scotland lost 3-0, but, as I think we all know, Paris in the spring doesn't really suit Scotland. I am a wee bit worried about this game.
BACK to the Juniors to finish. I see Rossvale, the newest club in the West Region of the SJFA, and, a club with, I believe the right approach to being a true community club, has signed ex-Celt Bobby Petta.
Welcome to the world of real fitba Bobby, but, pack your shinguards, you will need them.
Bobby is not the first former Old Firm star to dip his toe in: "the fetid waters of junior football", (copyright Graham Spiers). Robert Pritz did a good shift for Pollok some years back, while I recall the late Colin McAdam coming off the field after his Irvine Meadow debut, at Kilwinning's Abbey Park and saying: "I think you could play an entire season in midfield in this league and never kick the ball".
Bobby, however long it lasts, your time with Rossvale will make a terrific chapter in your autobiography.
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