Expand The World Cup - Ye'r 'Avin' A Larf

SO, the World Cup is to be expanded from 32 teams to 48 – yet further proof that, when anyone is sent to Switzerland to join the FIFA gravy train, the first thing the blazers in the background – the faceless guys who do all the work – do, is have three-quarters of their brains removed.

The way to make any sport better is to make it more difficult to operate at the highest-level. For example, in theory, any golfer on the planet can enter The Open Golf Championship; the very name is the give-away, the event is open to anyone.

Well, women golfers need not apply, ditto amateur golfers who do not have a low handicap, similarly, “professional” golfers – why do you think, after the Maurice Flitcroft affair (a Cumbrian crane driver who gate-crashed the Open and shot a 121) did the R&A work so-hard to close that door – Flitcroft had declared himself a professional to get round the amateur handicap rule.

The R&A has realised, the way to safeguard the integrity of what they hold to be the best golf tournament in the world, is to make it bloody hard to get in.

Ditto Wimbledon and the other big tennis tournaments. If you are ranked among the world's top 100 players – you are in, otherwise, you have to qualify. Olympic Games – same again, there are qualifying standards to be met. They only want the best: look at the Olympic motto - Citius, Altius, Fortius, which is Latin for "Faster, Higher, Stronger".

International football, regardless of the claims of the money no object leagues such as those in England, Italy, Germany and Spain is still the highest form of the game. So, to me it makes no sense to have more teams in the finals – to preserve the mystique, they ought to have fewer nations in the finals. I would go back to 16 countries. If FIFA wants more games and the chance to make more money, then, refine it so that at the end, the nations could be properly graded from 1^st to 16^th.

It's easily done, other world team events do it. You start with 16 countries; four groups of four. The top two in each group qualify for the quarter-finals, the four nations which finished third in their group then play each other to determine who finishes 9^th to 12^th; the four nations who finished bottom of their groups play-off to determine positions 13 to 16.

The four losing quarter-finalists play each other for positions 5 to 8; the losing semi-finalists play-off for 3^rd and 4^th, then you have the final. It keeps the tournament going, there are no two or three day gaps between games.

There are many unanswered questions about how this enlarged World Cup would be organised. Some have questioned whether or not Europe deserves the three additional places it stands to gain. Others question if the unfashionable FIFA confederations – ie anyone not Europe or South America – deserve the additional places they will get. There are a lot of unanswered questions.

Well, here's another onem but one that is simple to answer: Does anyone in Scotland think we can rise from our current European ranking of 23^rd into the top 16, by the time the new World Cup format comes in?

I for one cannot see it, unless we make the radical changes which the turkeys along the sixth floor corridor at Hampden simply will not countenance.

SPORTS writing can still be a great life, particularly if you have managed to brown-nose your way into membership of those two exclusive Scottish media clubs – the Lap Top Loyal and the Celtic Family Propaganda Unit. Budgets may be be being slashed, circulations may be dropping like a stone, production teams may be being cut back beyond the bone, but, the guys of the Scottish Football Writers Association's A team's inner circle can still pack their holiday gear and head off to the Middle East, to keep us up to speed on how Celtic and Aberdeen are enjoying their warm-weather winter break.

Once upon a time, Rangers too would have headed off to sunnier climes during a mid-winter break, but, now they are skint, frozen East Germany for a long weekend is as far as they are going – nae luck if you're the chosen scribe. Aye, if you're rostered to cover the wrong club, it can still be hard.

I remember once, back in the day, being kept back in the office to keep the other 50-odd sports covered, while my local paper's fitba reporter was sent off to Spain for ten days with the team. The stuff that came back could have been just as easily gathered via a daily 15-minute 'phone call to the manager – it was pure mince, and not even steak mince at that. Still, said reporter came back with a nice tan.

Maybe, just maybe, if our sports desk pilots started paying attention to the many good news stories in other Scottish sports, and put a bit less effort into the absolute shite which passes for a lot of current writing on Scottish football. And, maybe too, if they were honestly critical about the pap we are being served up, the guys running the game up here might put a bit of effort into improving the product, the players and our game.

I mean, Bertie Auld urging Celtic not to sell Dumbele – is that news? Willie Henderson suggesting Rangers should manage their finances better – come on Willie, you know and I know, everyone knows, that isn't going to happen.

AN English lady footballer, Kelly Smith, of whom I have barely heard, has apparently retired. This news got her a nice wee piece on the national BBC News last night. Nae harm to the lassie, who, just from her record, 117 caps for England and 46 goals, is clearly a decent enough player.

But, I wonder if the same coverage will be given when Julie Fleeting-Stewart eventually hangs up her boots. Julie has a far-more impressive football record – 121 caps, 116 goals for starters, but, she is Scottish, so, I doubt if the guys at the BBC in London even know she exists.

And Julie is, arguably, only Scotland's second-best ever woman footballer, after the marvellous Rose Reilly.

Good luck to Kelly Smith, but, compared to oor ain twa Ayrshire lassies – she's a wee bit average.