McInnes Is Staying And The Stenographers Are Unhappy

I HAVE only met Derek McInnes on a handful of occasions, and he has always struck me as one of those rare footballers whose IQ is not represented by the number – ever if it was a squad one – he wore on his back. So, I am not surprised that he has apparently decided he will not be answering all those pleas and entreaties to ditch the Dons and go “home” to Rangers.

 Captain John Yossarian - or is it Derek McInnes

I have never managed to get past page ten of Joseph Heller's satirical masterpiece 'Catch 22', it simply does not do it for me. I can, however, recognise a Catch 22 situation when I see one, and McInnes is clearly in one right now – he would be mad to reject the chance to manage Rangers, but, by rejecting that opportunity, he cannot be mad, since no sane man would take-on that job at the present time.

Of course, McInnes's decision to remain with Aberdeen will not go down well with the Lap Top Loyal, look-out for some pretty snidey reports whenever Aberdeen fails to produce a performance of the level of the 1970 Brazilians, One Night In Gothenburg or Real Madrid at Hampden. The stenographers have put all that research time in, penning articles such as: “Ten things you didn't know about Derek McInnes”, and all those speculation pieces about who he was going to buy, and how he was going to restore Ra Peepul to their rightful position of all-powerful victory. What a shame.

And the disappointed foot soldiers of Lodge 1690 will not have long to wait to vent their spleen at McInnes's disgraceful decision to turn his back on Rangers, with Aberdeen stepping-out at Ibrox on Wednesday night in their next match. Really, anything less than a Dons win in that win and the petulant prose-writers of the popular press will really go to town on him – just watch.

Still, they can go back to what they do best – speculating on who will pick-up the poisoned chalice. I think Big Eck is going to suddenly be very-popular again.

Meanwhile, McInnes can get back to the big task for him, getting his team to play with something like Celtic's domestic standard and close the gap on the Champions. As PSG proved on Wednesday night, if got-at by good players, playing well, this Celtic team is vulnerable. I reckon, you don't need talent such as Neymar to get them worried – a bit of belief, and consistently good, attacking football might do the trick.

A FORMER colleague, one of those indispensable sub-editors who could make even the most prosaic prose sing, contacted me this week. Born into a Celtic family, he can, and frequently is, critical of his team, when criticism is merited. But, he is firstly a football fan – when lured away to the fleshpots of London, he got his weekly football fix by watching Arsenal – he can be something of a purist.

Gutted though he was by what one Rugby-loving Rangers supporter dubbed: “The Paris Sevens” in midweek, he was realist enough to appreciate the huge gulf in quality between the two clubs. He then regurgitated that old saw, the only hope for Celtic is to get into the English Premiership.

“Dream on”, I told him. That will not happen, unless FIFA really puts the foot down and insists, since English, Northern Irish, Scottish and Welsh-born players all travel on a United Kingdom passport and generally play for UK-based teams, then the four individual national FAs would have to close down, to be replaced by a single UKFA.

The knock-on effect of that would be, a single UK-wide league structure would require to be formed, and, under such a structure, there is no way Celtic would be outside the top flight, and therefore having immediate access to the billions which BT, Sky and every other media mogul insists on throwing at the Premiership.

That Premiership Door Isn't Going To Open Any Time Soon

But, that isn't going to happen any time soon – more-so since, with this Tory government stumbling from crisis to crisis, there is more likelihood of the UK splitting-up than growing as a stronger unitary entity. So, what are Celtic to do?

Regular readers of this blog may recall, old Socrates here is a member of the Baby Boomer generation. We didn't have CeeBeebies, or Children's Television for more than one hour per day. We didn't have comic strips, really – but we had the excellent DC Thomson comics, such as Wizard, Hotspur, Rover and Adventure – which had stories you were required to READ.

Many of these stories were about sports heroes – the 200-year-old super athlete, Wilson, who lived in a cave on the North Yorkshire moors, drank the elixir of eternal life and, clad in his black combinations, won more Olympic medals than Chris Hoy, Steve Redgrave and Usain Bolt combined. The other great athlete was Alf Tupper - “The Tough of the Track”, a plumber and welder who could have come off a 12-hour night shift in a shipyard and shown Seb Coe and Steve Ovett a dirty pair of heels, his greatness achieved on a diet of fish and chips and Vimto.

Then there were the footballers – my own hero, goalkeeper Bernard Briggs, who only ever conceded one goal, caught-out sneezing to miss a shot in the pre-match warm-up; midfield maestro “Limp Along Leslie”, a shepherd by day, born with one leg shorter than the other but, Messi-like in his influence; and Nick Smith, a veteran player-manager, who, with his faithful midfield partner, the “gritty” (he kicked people) Arnold Tabbs, specialised in taking over struggling Third Division (League One) clubs and turning them around so they won the FA Cup.

Forgive this somewhat lengthy diversion, time to get to the point. There were others, and I am sure, although the old memory is going, there was one tale of a team manager with accountancy skills, who insisted, so-long as you scored three goals per game, you could not be beaten.

Incentiivise Winning By Three Goals And Keeping Clean Sheets

Well, there's a possible way of getting the improvement out of the Celtic team which might see them reaching the sharp end of the Champions League. Brendan Rodgers should insist, in domestic Scottish matches – anything less than a win by three clear goals, for his Celtic team, is to be considered at best a 0-0 draw. No bonuses in domestic games unless they score at least three goals, and fines for conceding goals.

That way, they would earn their corn, be mentally sharp and up for the challenge, or, they would lose money. Make them work for their big money Brendan.

Who knows, it could kick-on into better European performances.