Scotland - Good At Other Sports, So Why Are We Shite At Fitba?

WHEN it comes to Sport, I find myself torn somewhere between the view of my mentor and idol, the late, great, Ian 'Dan' Archer, whose motto was: “Always remember chaps, we are the comic pages of the paper,” and my second cousin, once removed, the equally late, and even greater Wullie Shankly: “You guys think football is a matter of life and death, it's more-important than that.”

Cousin Wullie took his fitba seriously - it must run in the family

I am, I have often been told: “Obsessed with Sport.” That's maybe going a bit far, but, to me Sport is more than 22 over-paid guys kicking a bag of air around. Some sports, I can take or leave, but, generally, if it's around or on TV, I am interested, and I am certainly interested in the ongoing Commonwealth Games on Australia's Gold Coast – where I am unashamedly behind the Scotland team.

Now, we are doing rather well out there, both in the pool and on the boards of the velodrome, the places of principal interest over the opening week. (“Whit the fuck his this tae dae wi fitba?” I hear you ask). Bear with me.

Any success which “the Home Countries” have in Australia has over the Games, is due in no small part to the effect of lottery-funding and Team GB's “obsession with medals” in seeing our top talent “hot-housed” in places such as Manchester, where the cycling team is based, Loughborough University, or, nearer home, Stirling University. The idea is to have the top talent from the four countries of the United Kingdom training and working together. However, once every four years, they split-up to represent their respective nations at the CG.

 Katie Archibald - even a Nationalist like me can view her success as a Union benefit

OK, a Team GB in football is a no-no, particularly for the Hampden “suits”, however, most of the current Scotland A squad play for English clubs; “receive wisdom” has it that the game in England is light years ahead of where we are up here. How come then, while the likes of Katie Archibald and Mark Stewart can move to Manchester and win Olympic, World, European and (with Scotland) Commonwealth gold medals – our footballers move south, but Scotland continues to fail to qualify for the big finals and be considered: “Shite” at home.

What about Mark Dry in the Hammer Throw yesterday? Out of the medals, one final throw to produce, and he nails it, to claim back-to-back Commonwealth Games bronze medals, with his best throw of the season. Aside from Leigh Griffiths' two exquisite strikes against England last season, can you think of many current Scots footballers who have done the business lately, when it mattered?

If there are two games at which Scotland excels, they are curling and bowls. In Las Vegas tonight, Bruce Moat's unsung young team will be going for bronze at their first World Curling Champions – having had to get past the Team GB Winter Olympics squad to qualify. On the Gold Coast, in the Bowls Triples final, Darren Burnett produced a string of quality bowls to skip Scotland to gold, in a gripping game against a very good Australian side.

And we still have “Tattie” Marshall and Paul Foster to come in the Pairs. Their win over England in the final in Glasgow four years ago – and in particular “Tattie's” 'Get it right up you' response to some barracking from the English fans, was one of the highlights of the Glasgow games. Can I say, at this point, however, for me, the highlight of the bowls in Glasgow was one particular delivery from one of the members of the English disabled bowling triple. I regret, I have forgotten this gentleman's name, but, he delivered his bowls from a specially-adapted shoe, the bowl being laced on a sort of saucer on his left foot. That delivery just might be the best use of a left foot in Glasgow since Jim Baxter hung up his boots.

Aye, Scotland might be shite at fitba, but, we can do the business elsewhere.

EVER since I first saw him, as an 18-year old stand-out in a Manchester United youth team at Somerset Park, I have been a Paul Pogba fan.

 Paul Pogba, a promising boy who has grown-up and delivered

His consistency this season has, admittedly, not been great. However, just in time to uphold that old chestnut: “Form is transient – class is permanent,” the big Frenchman with the world's worst taste in haircuts, came up with a brilliant performance, topped by two very good goals, as United put a spanner in the spokes of City's seemingly serene progress to another Premiership title.

The odds are still in favour of the men from the Etihad, but, the fact they have, in two huge games this week, been terrible and lost to fierce rivals, must make one question their title credentials.

WE ARE now getting to the “tickly bit” of the season, and the great and good of the SFWA (Scottish Football Writers Association) are beginning to hype their personal choices for the individual prizes such as Player and Manager of the Year.

The “Celtic-minded” among them will be keen to establish that Brendan Rodgers wins the managerial title. For me, however, what Stevie Clarke has achieved at Kilmarnock has been quite exceptional. Given the huge financial advantage he enjoys, it will be a disaster if Rodgers does not win another Treble, but, one wonders if he could have, with the same resources Clarke has at his disposal, oversee the turn-around in Killie's fortunes.

Boydie and Clarkie - used to winning, so why not at the end of the season?

And, why not a Kilmarnock double? There has not really been a single outstanding individual in Scottish football this season – other than Kris Boyd. Other players have produced great wee cameos, but, the fat man from Tarbolton has simply done what he does – stuck the ball in the net with monotonous regularity.

Kris has also supplied a lot of entertainment, both from his goal-scoring celebrations and from his media pronouncements. I cannot think of another player who has provided so much entertainment this season – and, football at professional level, is supposedly a branch of the entertainment business.