A QUESTION for his critics: If not Stevie Clarke – who? I fear we are now in one of these periods when the wilder elements of the Tartan Army, the Lap-Top Loyal and the Celtic Family Apologists have united and decided, the current temporary custodian of the poisoned chalice – being Scotland Head Coach – has to go. Except, as used to happen when the Conservative Party was reasonably competent, succession planning would consist of an acceptable replacement for the incumbent emerging, rather like a new Doctor Who regenerating. Which has me thinking, Billy Piper – why not?
It matters not a jot whether Clarke limps on, “A Dead Man Walking”, or says: “Bugger this for a gemme o' sojers” and walks away - what's the use of changing drivers when the steering is jammed, the suspension is knackered, the big end has gone and the body-work is rotten? Scottish Fitba is a basket case, money cannot fix it, and in any case, the guys supposedly running the show couldnae run a bath.
We find, in th cold light of dawn, we already have a convenient scapegoat for Friday night's latest “Disaster for Scotland” - if I may rehash one of dear old David Francey's stock lines. Step forward Cieran Slicker, a young man who seemed to freeze in the headlights when thrown on following Angus Gunn's early injury, to suffer what might have been the worst game for a Scottish goalkeeper to endure since 1961.
I am grateful to the BBC Sport Scotland website, for pointing out, Slicker was actually Scotland's sixth-choice goalkeeper, behind:
Craig Gordon – injured
Angus Gunn – injured to be replaced by Slicker
Liam Kelly – injured
Zander Clark – injured
Robbie McCrorie – injured in Friday's warm-up
It has long been customary for a really-young goalkeeper to accompany the Scotland squad, for experience and to act as a ball boy during the specialist goalkeeping training. The current incumbent in this role is 18 year-old Bournemouth kid Callum McKenna. I once, for fun and out of near-boredom, wrote a short story in which this youngster had to be thrown-in at the deep end and became a hero – might life imitate art for McKenna in Vadus, Liechtenstein, on Monday night?
Me – I'd call-up Alan Rough; “Scruffy” might be 73 now, but, I reckon he could do a job against Monday night's opponents, nae bother and, let's face it, we don't have many active alternatives.
One of the rites of passage of being Scottish is, when we sign-up for the Tartan Army, we are initiated into that very-select group: ABE – Anyone But England, when it comes to who we want to win the World Cup and European Championship final tournaments we are outside, looking-in on. Well, I reckon the men running our game, the Scottish Club Managers and Directors running our top clubs, have started a rival group – ABS – we will sign Anyone But A Scotsman, when it comes to signing new players, particularly goalkeepers. Until this changes – we are only going to get worse internationally.
I have written this before, I will surely write it again: until our clubs are forced to adopt Chic Young's “eight diddies” rule and force our clubs to only field a maximum of three NSQ that's Non-Scottish-Qualified players in domestic games, we are going nowhere internationally. We have to trust our young players, and give them game time with their clubs, so they might be half-way ready for the international game. Having an international player pathway which works as well might not be a bad thing either.
But, as long as we continue to stagger along as we have been – there will be a lot more Disasters for Scotland.
By the way, Friday night's game was a Friendly. Here is a ranked breakdown of how Scotland has performed in the various types of games since we began playing internationally, back in 1872:
Nations League game (2010-2025) 24 games – won 58.4%
Home Internationals (1872-1984) – 287 games – won 56.4%
World Cup qualifiers (1949-2022) – 137 games – won 50.4%
European Championship qualifiers (1966-2025) – 123 games – won 47.2%
Friendlies (1929-2025) – 238 games – won 39.5%
European Championship finals (1992-2025) – 12 games – won 16.7%
World Cup finals (1954-1998) – 23 games – won 13%
That league table demonstrates all too-clearly, our ability to mess-up in friendlies is only exceeded by our inability to perform on the biggest stages, it's all part of being Scottish.
SCOTTISH FOOTBALL lost one of its unsung heroes last week, with the passing of Richard Cairns. Richard was “KTID – Killie Till I Die” in bad times and in the occasional good, he was around Rugby Park – just a short walk from his home in Dundonald Road. If the club asked for fans' assistance, Richard was in the front line of the volunteers, he was a true fanatic.
His regular pre-match spot was behind the Frank Beattie Stand, selling programmes and passing the time of day with the many fans of Killie, and the visiting sides, who knew him. He was a font of all knowledge in the matter of Kilmarnock FC and, back when I was writing obituaries on footballers who passed on, if there was a Killie connection, Richard was my first port of call for information.
I would call him up, usually to be greeted with: “Who's deid noo”, then I would be furnished with helpful information and insights. He was Editor of the short-lived but highly influential fanzine “Killie Ken” a publication which did much to encourage the guerrilla movement which got rid of the old guard and brought-in the Fleeting Revolution which turned around the club's fortunes in the 1990s.
During that time, Richard came up with one of the best bits of fanzine writing I have ever seen. He noticed a trend around Rugby Park, whereby th club had, over the years signed a lot of players who as a general rule were a good player's useless brother.
He listed many of these “haddies” - along with their better brothers, before coming up with a zinger of a final sentence, something like: “We've been doing it all wrong for years, what we should be doing is signing a really bad player's brother – is Rangers' Iain Ferguson an only child?”
Richard spent part of his working life in what was thankless missionary work. He was employed by South Ayrshire Council, working in an office in the centre of Ayr, surrounded by Ayr United fams. But, it never broke him. Rest In Peace old friend, you will be badly missed.
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