What Would Oscar Wilde Have Said?

ONE OF THE basic tenets of Journalism 101 is that you have a working knowledge of the wit and wisdom of Oscar Wilde. Old Oscar left us with a shed load of quotes, some of which can even be shoe-horned into a sports column.

Watching the Breengers huffing and puffing to salvage a point at St Mirren on Sunday afternoon, I was mindful of Oscar's great put down of Charles Dickens. In reading his novel 'The Old Curiousity Shop' Oscar was forced to say: “one must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell without laughing”.

Well over a century later, the same view applies to watching this current Breengers team in action.

The Union Bears and the rest of Ra Peepul are, most certainly, suffering at the moment – but, the rest of us, we haven't had this much fun in years, and I see that mindful of how much Schadenfreude we Scots have enjoyed as the slings and arrows of misfortune have taken up seemingly permanent residence around Ibrox over the past 13 years.

Being shite against a reasonably-good side like Club Brugge – that you can maybe be able to excuse, but, being second fiddle to St Mirren, that's all but impossible to excuse – they were, not for the first time this season, absolutely honkingly bad.

It's a good job for the Buddies, that I am lang syne retired from covering them for The Paisley Daily Express – I could have done a good hatchet job on the St Mirren side – for being unable to beat quite the worst Rangers side I have ever seen.

But the real kicker came post-match, when it was announced that Hamza Ingamane had refused to take the field as a substitute. I don't think he'd have tried that in the days of Bill Struth, Scot Symon, Davie White, Willie Waddell, Jock Wallace, John Greig, Graeme Souness, Walter Smith or Ally McCoist – men who knew what it meant to pull on that jersey. I shudder to think what would have happened had he tried to pull that stunt with some of the above named; I fancy he's be enjoying the care of the staff in the RAH – Royal Alexandra Hospital's excellent Intrnsive Care Unit.

On the other hand, maybe the Moroccan was thinking: “I cannot play badly enough as to fit into this side – I'm better than this.”

Of course, footballers, once little better than serfs under the “retain and transfer” system of the sepia-toned days of yore, now have most of the cards stacked in their favour when it comes to contracts. Ingamane reportedly cost the club around £2 million when they signed him, so, that's at least how much they will be looking for to get him off the books.

I would be inclined to say he's in breach of contract, suspend him without pay and tell his Agent: “Get him out of here, but we want £2 million for him”. I don't think throwing out such an ultimatum would see him out of the game for long. But, clearly, he has burned his boats in Glasgow and has to be got rid of.

I've been saying for years, Celtic and Rangers both need to get more Scots into their squads - “fans on the park” - that's long been their USP. To my mind, the only players who showed Rangers-level of commitment in Paisley were the Scots; get shot of the foreign badge-kissers and get more home-grown players onto the park.

But, to be fair, Rangers' travails are small beer, compared to the problems which are besetting Manchester United, who travelled to Craven Cottage to get a draw with Fulham on Sunday. No matter how bad you think things are, there is usually somebody in deeper doo-dah.

To bolster Rangers, I suppose 7^th of 12 clubs in Scotland is better than 16^th of 20 clubs in England, which is where United currently sit. Both clubs accruing points at a rate of one per game. Also, Rangers have spent less money in recruiting pish players.

I didn't watch Fulham v Manchester United, opting instead for New Zealand v Spain in the Women's Rugby World Cup. I'm a big fan of the New Zealand girls – “The Black Ferns” and in particular, the true G.O.A.T. Of Women's rugby, Portia Woodman-Wickliffe, who showed her class by scoring with her first touch after coming off the bench. (I mean leaving the G.O.A.T. On the bench, that never happens with Lionel Messi, Kylian Mbappé, Finn Russell or Antoine Dupont). The Ferns even opted to end the game by playing with 13 players for the final quarter, after a couple of bad injuries. They still won 54-8, which was no reflection on a dogged and talented Spanish side.