ONE OF MY mentors in this daft craft of writing about Football – the late, great and much-missed Ian “Dan” Archer – once quipped that the old Clan Wars never really ended, the feuding clansmen simply took up Junior Football and carried on the age-old tradition of killing and maiming. This view is opposed by Hugh Dan McLennan: he insists they took-up Shinty.
Whatever, I take the view, Shinty is the Scottish equivalent of Kendo, Junior Football is more a free-style Judo. Of course, today's leading scribes, men such as The Sun's Scott Campbell will tell you the Scottish Cup First Round tie between Auchinleck Talbot and Cumnock, which will be broadcast live on Television, will be some way removed from the Western Front style war-fare he had to cover as a young reporter, learning his craft with the Cumnock Chronicle.
Back then, at the end of the last century, the battles between the teams representing the two neighbouring mining villages in East Ayrshire were epic. Fewer than three red and eight yellow cards and a game was voted decidedly dull, while meetings between the sides saw police leave cancelled to keep the warring supporters apart.
The legendary tales are passed down through the years. The young George Morton signed for Talbot as a teenager, scoring a hat-trick on debut, against Cumnock. He returned to his Cumnock home post-match, to find his belongings packed up and on the door-step. The ultimatum was: “leave them, or leave home.” George opted for home comforts and went on to give Cumnock half a century of service, as player, club official and President. He also served as President of The Scottish Junior Football Association.
Geordie's equivalent along the road at Auchinleck is Henry Dumigan, who has been Talbot Secretary for some 40 years. The High Heid Yins of the SJFA, Joe Black, Tom Nelson, Iain McQueen etc have all tried to get Henry involved at national level; he has refused all approaches, preferring to devote his energies to Talbot.
The late Jim “Buller” Reid was Cumnock to the core. His local charity work was legend, he raised thousands for the club and local good causes, but, if Talbot called, Buller and Friends would cross the divide and help out – while he made Talbot and that club's more-prominent fans the butt of his stand-up one-liners.
The late Malcolm Donnachie, Henry Dumigan's predecessor as Talbot Secretary always maintained his most-embarrassing moment was when he had to attend an SJFA disciplinary tribunal: “to defend a goat”. The said animal was the pet of legendary Talbot supporter and Club President Jock Muir. A one-time World Twist Champion, Jock had famously taken the goat, which was clad in a Talbot shirt, onto the park and refused to leave until the referee chalked-off what Jock thought was a wrongly-awarded goal against Talbot. The match had to be abandoned and Malcolm had to represent the club at the tribunal.
The result was a life ban for the goat and a temporary ban on Muir, which the bold Jock circumvented by placing a ladder in an adjoining garden and using it to climb onto the club-house roof, from where he banged his big drum to urge on his favourites.
Drew Cochrane, a long-serving Ayrshire journalist recalls, after being the recipient of the over-whelming Talbot hospitality at one end-of-season soiree, waking up in an armchair in a strange house, with a goat eyeing him up suspiciously. Yes, Jock Muir had taken Drew home and let him sleep-off the excesses in an armchair.
Some of the biggest fans of both clubs were to be found on the park. James Forbes CBE – aka “The Jockweiler” was a titan of the utilities world, as CEO of SSE - Scottish and Southern Energy, then Chairman of Thames Water. When he retired from SSE, the in-house magazine did a retrospective piece, in which one of the questions was: “which of your achievements are you most proud of”?
The Jockweiler Bites
Jim's reply: “I was never on the losing side against Talbot”. As a born and bred Cumnockian, who proudly wore their black and white stripes, that meant a lot to Forbes. But the ginger-haired Forbes may at best, be said to be only the third-most-committed Cumnockian, behind “The Two Maxies”. Jim McCulloch and his son Bobby, both of whom were known as “Maxie”. Jim captained Cumnock to their first Junior Cup Final, a losing on e to Blantyre Victoria in 1950.
Bobby wore the armband in the victories over Bo'ness in 1979 and Ormiston in 1989. On that latter occasion, whereas Ormiston seemed happy to just be there, Bobby right arm raised aloft, fist clenched, stormed out of the Rugby Park tunnel faster than Usain Bolt – he was there to win. In truth, it was a dull final, but, some of us in the press seats reckoned Bobby won it for Cumnock, simply by that entrance. Legend has it, Joe Black, the long-serving SJFA Secretary, during the pre-game formalities, cautioned Bobby: “Now Bobby, this is a showpiece occasion, on TV, we don't want any red cards.”
The reply was: “Well Joe, just tell them not to score and there will be no bother.”
Cumnock's management team that day was Dennis Gray and Brian Lannon, two men who had forged their reputations with Talbot. Gray tells the story of how, shortly after the cup win, following a works night-out, he fell asleep on the train and missed his stop at Kilmarnock. Getting off at the next stop down the line – Auchinleck, he went into the Railway Hotel to phone home for his wife to come and collect him. (This was in the days before mobile 'phones).
“It was like the scene from a Western when the bad guy enters the saloon – all those goals I had scored for Talbot meant nothing to the locals, I was a now a baddie from Cumnock.”
Even the referees get caught up in the rivaly. The SFA still uses this game as a sort of passing-out challenge for officials looking for promotion to Grade One. The reasoning being, if they can handle the pressures of this one, they can handle anything.
I have long supported Dougie Smith, when the now retired Troon official is castigated for yellow carding Paul Gascoigne in that famous incident after Gazza picked up his card in a game at Ibrox. Dougie was the man in the middle during some of the fiercest battles between the two clubs, a sure means of destroying anyone's sense of humour.
During these wars at the end of last century, there was one game when the referees won. FIFA and UEFA came up with the notion of national teams of match officials for big games, which meant – in the days before specialist assistant referees – some of the guys on the FIFA list had to have a refresher course in running the line. To help them get used to this, the SFA sent their chosen team to cover some strange games, which is how, one midweek evening in May, Referee Jim McCluskey, Linesmen Hugh Dallas and Les Mottram and Fourth Official Willie Young rolled up at Beechwood Park to officiate at a local cup time involving the two clubs.
Out they came to warm-up, to be greeted with quizzical looks from the players. Almost immediately a high-level conference was convened in the centre circle, involving the two Team Captains and their First Lieutenants (the guys most-likely to get red cards).
That season the games between the clubs had been averaging three reds and eight yellows per meeting; this one passed without incident, indeed, narry a foul, as the players got on with playing football. It was, by all reports, a great game.
There is a legendary Rugby Union story of how, when former England Captain Will Carling was thoroughly worked-over in an old-style ruck, requiring the attentions of the Harlequins physiotherapist, a couple of his own team mates attempted to take credit for the damage done to him.
The Football equivalent is probably the tale of the Talbot talisman who was so unpopular, a team-mate – his brother-in-law in fact – did him serious damage during a practice game. The said Talbot man was once hit over the head with a very substantial corner flag post, by a Cumnock committee-man, as he left the field following one game.
This precipitated a full-scale enquiry by the Ayrshire League's Disciplinary Committee. The committee-man claimed it had all been blown-up out of all proportion by the local paper and that he had, in fact, been holding the corner flag horizontally and had been trying to push the player and others into the club -house.
His case fell apart when the refereee – the afore-mentioned Dougie Smith, reported that he had felt the disturbed wind of the flag post a it flashed, vertically, past his nose on its way down to hitting the Talbot player's head.
Out Trumping The Donald
The committee-man was not asked to resign, indeed, the incident did help his campaign to become Cumnock President, and ignited the rumour that, whereas, every other Ayrshire club elects The Village Idiot to the Junior club's committee – Cumnock makes the VI the Club President. This was long before the rise of Donald J Trump.
Another time Cumnock had to defend poor behaviour was after the above-mentioned Bobby McCulloch was sent off late in an Ayrshire Cup Final, against Talbot. The magnificent Ayrshire Cup was sat on a bar stool at the tunnel mouth, it was too-much of a temptation for the annoyed McCulloch, who kicked over the stool. The damage to the cup cost Cumnock a considerable sum and to this day, the footballer on the top of the lid stands at an angle.
It's good to reminisce about the bad old days, but, you can bet, while no quarter will be asked or given tonight and the game will be fiercely-contested, today's players are less-likely to resort to unarmed combat to win – the Junior game has changed and, in any case, tonight's match is in THE Scottish Cup.
Who will win? As a neutral who follows another local club, I have sympathy with the late Jim Yates. Jim was a local haulage contractor who was a very-generous sponsor to Cumnock. Asked what outcome he favoured in the Junior Cup Final between Talbot and Glenafton Athletic back in the early 1990s, Yatesie replied: “I rather fancy an atomic bomb dropped on Firhill just as they kick-off.”
I can see where my old Cumnock Academy team mate was coming from, but, I am not so-keen on Armageddon. On form, league position and with home advantage, you have to fancy Talbot to take the honours.
After two or three, by his standards, fallow seasons, Talbot boss Tucker Sloan is rebuilding a formidable Talbot team. They should win, but, in this fixture, you can take nothing for granted. Let's just hope they put on a match worthy of the television exposure.
Neutral visitors to tonight's game should, if they can swing it, sample the purvey in the club's hospitality area. The best hospitality I ever encountered in the Juniors was in the Forth Wanderers committee room. Here: “You'll have a half” was an instruction rather than an enquiry. However, the best scram is to be had – and I honestly cannot separate them – at Beechwood, or at Cumnock's Townhead Park. The ladies who cater at both venues are wonderful home bakers and tea makers. If tonight's players play as well as the catering ladies – this game will be epic.
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